Could anybody please help me with this paragraph which is a part of my motivational letter for MA in tourism. I want to emphasise that one of the reasons why I chose this uni is that offers the opportunity to meet people from around the world which I find extremely beneficial when studying tourism. So, am I on the right track or should I change something?

Here it comes:

Living and working in X, a tourist city, gives me the opportunity to interact with others from all over the world. Similarly, I look forward to attending your university and acquiring knowledge in a global environment / through international educational experience.
New Member13
Living and working in X, a tourist city, gives me the opportunity to interact with others from all over the world. Similarly, I look forward to attending your university and acquiring knowledge in a global environment / through international educational experience.

1. You can still simplify your statement. The simpler, the better.

2. to - attend and aquire (grammar error)

To improve your statement, it may goes like this: (note: you can still rephrase this. i'm not saying that this is the only better way to state your mind Emotion: big smile)

Living and working in a tourist city like X gives me the opportunity to interact with different people from all over the world. I look forward to attend your university and aquire knowledge in a global environment setting through international educational experience.

I don't get what you mean by the underlined phrase. But gramatically, it is not wrong.

Comment on the content:

I think you should give more reasons why you like to go with that university (if it is the case). Generally, you just need to convince the one whom you'll address this, so just give good reasons why they should ----.

Hope this helps Emotion: smile Anyway, your original statement itself is good. Emotion: smile
New Member09
Dear Jei,
Dear Jei,

Thank you a million for your help!

I'll post my entire motivational letter, so maybe you'll understand it better (I sent this letter to uni, and they offered me a place, but I found out I can apply for a scholarship for another uni and I need to change this paragraph only)

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying to your MSc International and Tourism Management sandwich programme starting in X.

I attended Tourism and Catering high school X, the most renowned X school in this field. During the four-year programme I had performed to an exceptional standard and achieved a final exam exemption certificate. Upon graduation, I was awarded the position of a seasonal receptionist in a hotel by demonstrating enthusiasm and competency to communicate effectively in English, French, Italian and Spanish. While working the front desk, I learned how to handle difficult situations with a positive attitude. Throughout my academic career, I accomplished the goals I had set for myself.

In 2011, I earned a Bachelor Degree in French language and Literature from Faculty of Philosophy in X and was honoured to be one of two students in my department who won the Excellent Bachelor Thesis. During my studies, I was among the top two students in my classes and was elected the president of my class three years in a row. These experiences allowed me to develop my leadership and organizational skills.

My passion for travelling and exceeding tourist expectations while managing our guest houses motivated me to pursue my studies in tourism industry. I find meeting new people and becoming acquainted with their cultures personally and professionally rewarding.

Living and working in X, a tourist city provides the opportunity to meet and interact with others from all over the world. Similarly, I look forward to attending your university, located in X, another famous tourist destination centre, and learning to apply my new knowledge in a work based environment. (this is the original part of the letter, but I need to change it because this new uni is located in a small and unattractive town... the things I like about it is that it has a very good reputation and a lot of international students and I can undertake this MA couse although I don't have a bachelor degree in this field)

Because I am a dynamic, ambitious and highly motivated student with a strong record of success, I am confident that I will exceed your expectations. Furthermore, my varied and rich background will add diversity to your programme.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Yours faithfully,

THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN!!


Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying want (ignore the correction if you mean that you are already accepted and applying) to apply on your MSc International and Tourism Management sandwich programme starting in X.

I attended a four-year programme at Tourism and Catering high school X, the most renowned X school in this field the field of ***. During the four-year programme, I had performed to an exceptional standard and achieved a final exam exemption certificate. Upon graduation, I was awarded the position of a seasonal receptionist in a hotel by demonstrating enthusiasm and competency to communicate effectively in English, French, Italian and Spanish. While working at the front desk, I learned how to handle difficult situations with a positive attitude. Throughout my academic career, I accomplished the goals I had set for myself.

In 2011, I earned a Bachelor Degree in French language and Literature from Faculty of Philosophy in X and was honoured to be as one of the two students in my department who won the Excellent Bachelor Thesis. During my studies, I was among the top two students in my classes and was elected the president of my class three years in a row for three consecutive years. These experiences allowed me to develop my leadership and organizational skills.

My passion for travelling and exceeding tourist expectations while managing our guest houses motivated me to pursue my studies in tourism industry. I find meeting new people and becoming acquainted with their cultures personally and professionally rewarding.

Living and working in X, a tourist city provides the opportunity to meet and interact with others from all over the world. Similarly, I look forward to attending your university, located in X, another famous tourist destination centre, and learning to apply my new knowledge in a work based environment. (this is the original part of the letter, but I need to change it because this new uni is located in a small and unattractive town... the things I like about it is that it has a very good reputation and a lot of international students and I can undertake this MA couse although I don't have a bachelor degree in this field)

I think you can omit the part that tells about its location. And just tell why you look forward to attend on that university. Emotion: smile

Because I am a dynamic, ambitious and highly motivated student with a strong record of success, I am confident that I will exceed your expectations. Furthermore, my varied and rich background will add diversity to your programme.


PS. I tried to correct some parts. Hehe. But I you may ignore it since you don't intend to change it Emotion: big smile
Dear Jei,

I'll take your advices, I appreciate your help Emotion: wink

I've added the part why I want to study at this uni.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I want to apply to your MSc International Tourism Management programme starting in X.

I attended Tourism and Catering high school X, the most renowned X school in the field of tourism and hospitality. During the four-year programme I had performed to an exceptional standard and achieved a final exam exemption certificate. Upon graduation, I was awarded the position of a seasonal receptionist in a hotel by demonstrating enthusiasm and competency to communicate effectively in English, French, Italian and Spanish. While working the front desk, I learned how to handle difficult situations with a positive attitude. Throughout my academic career, I accomplished the goals I had set for myself.

In 2011, I earned a Bachelor Degree in French language and Literature from Faculty of Philosophy in X and was honoured to be one of two students in my department who won the Excellent Bachelor Thesis. During my studies, I was among the top two students in my classes and was elected the president of my class for three consecutive years. These experiences allowed me to develop my leadership and organizational skills.

My passion for travelling and exceeding tourist expectations while managing our guest houses motivated me to pursue my studies in tourism industry. I find meeting new people and becoming acquainted with their cultures personally and professionally rewarding.

Similarly, having an opportunity to interact with students from around the world is one of the reasons why I want to study at your university. In addition, its reputation in tourism education and the opportunity to acquire high-quality knowledge is the greatest motivation for me. (should I add more reasons?)

Because I am a dynamic, ambitious and highly motivated student with a strong record of success, I am confident that I will exceed your expectations. Furthermore, my varied and rich background will add diversity to your programme.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Yours faithfully,
Anybody????
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