my essay tutorial

(I apologize for the typos in the following examples.  I made them up myself, and I'm no native speaker!)

Two main techniques to overcome paragraph sprawls:

1.      Commitment and response. You tell the reader you are going to talk about something, then stick to your promise.

Example: Many people have been speculating over the causes that led to Leslie Cheung's tragic suicide. Some say it was a lovers' quarrel; others think the superstar had been suffering from an ongoing depression; and there are still those who attribute the whole affair to some unaccountable jinx that befalls a celebrity every 10 years.
(I am making it up! I really don't know why he died)
    Then offer your own interpretation.

In this example, I promise, in the first sentence, to talk about the possible causes of Leslie's death, followed by the gossip itself.

Example .   Until the awe-inspiring performance at the 1998 Olympic games, Chen Lu had given every indication that she was "history" in the world of figure skating. Just the previous year, she did not even qualify for the long program at the World Championship. She had gained weight; she had lost her coach; her spins travelled for a mile; and her triple jumps -- for a long time a staple in her programs --had deserted her. Coming into the 1998 Olympic games, no one in the skating world was giving her much of a chance, except, perhaps, Chen Lu herself.

In this example, I tell the reader that no one expected Chen Lu to medal in the 1998 Olympics, and then I explain why.

Example

Inanimate objects are classifed into three major categories--those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. (Quote from Russell Baker, "The Plot Against People")

In this paragraph, Russell tells his readers he is talking about three objects, and he explains what they are.  Then he is going to discuss each thing one by one.  (Note the rule of three in the examples!)

You can also start with a question, then answer it yourself.

Example

Why did Leslie commit suicide?  Everyone in HK was wondering about this.  And no one really knows for sure.  Some say…some say…

Then offer your interpretation.

2.    Second Technique: Downshifting -- going from talking generally to talking specifically
You start the paragraph with a general statement, then you provide explanation, statistics and examples (i.e. the details).
If you give a score of 10 to the most general statements, and 1 to the most specific ones, then your paragraph should start from 10 and work towards 1.

Example
10. For the past decade, the educators in the U.S. have seen a steady decline in the quality of Math education a student receives in an American public school.

9 The latest data release from the TIMSS study has, once again, reminded the American public of just how "fuzzy" their Math is (to quote George W.). (proof)

8 According to the report, U.S. students, by 12th grade, are way behind students in other countries in all areas of Mathematics. (be specific)

7 According to Dr. Whatabore, a professor at University of ABC, the Math curriculum in many schools is "a mile wide, and an inch deep" -- as a result, students graduate from high schools not knowing much of algebra, geometry or trigonometry.

In this example, I make a statement, then I use statistics to back up my statement, and then I close the paragraph with a quote from a professor. The paragraph goes from the most general (with a score of 10), to the most specifc (a score of 7).

Hi Dmitrij,

I was merely trying to add my two cents about academic writing in general -- things you do in class.  Exam strategies are a different animal altogether.

In an exam like IELTS, the important thing is making sure every part of the question is answered. You've covered that part nicely.

Cheers.

PS. The first example I cited (e.g. People think that drug abuse is only the problem of adults) was something I took out of a Chinese student's essay (with some modifications to mask the original writer's identity). I rewrote that paragraph for her (see the next example).

Glad to have you here.  Feel free to jump in any time!

Hi Dmitrij,

I was merely responding to your words:

I believe your suggestions addressed the problem of paragraph sprawls.  That's why I posted my own two cents -- to supplement your strategies.  The ideas themselves I got from writing handbooks, so they aren't exactly my ideas, though I wrote my own examples. 

A while back, I promised the forum guru -- Mr. Micawber -- I'd do an assignment on writing strategies. So consider this assignment "turned in", Mr. M!

Hi guys,

After reading this thread again and again, I understand that your comments are actually something I have been waiting for as a response to my essay tutorial. I can now tell that your helpful advices would undoubtedly bring my writing skills up to the next level.

I also recommend this thread to everyone looking for improvement. I wouldn’t preach to the converted but since you got here you might as well spend some time reading carefully through the posts.  Skimming over won’t help much.

As you are getting to know our points, you might feel like putting your own two cents into our discussion. We will benefit from it in many ways. First, we’ll get new blood in our company. Second, you’ll have a chance to make a contribution to ‘our essay tutorial’. (Yes! With Julielai’s additions, it has shaped up into a team work). Third, I am collecting cents to buy a decent book on essay writing (I envy you, Julielai!)

Best wishes,

Dmitrij.

Dear friends,

This is another essay I wrote to continue our discussion. I intentionally had kept to my strategy because I wanted to try it out one more time.

It took me 38 minutes to complete and it contains 319 words. I had some trouble thinking up the ideas but when I was done with that part (10 min) I managed the rest quite fast.
I didn’t check it for style and grammar I just stopped when the time had run out. 
I wouldn’t call it the best I have ever written. I also wouldn’t insist on correcting this.
I don’t know, I just wrote it and that’s all.

TASK

Education is the single most important factor in the development of a country. Do you agree?

ESSAY

Nowadays many people argue the paramount importance of education for the successful development of a country. I believe that while many other significant factors account for prosperity of the nation, education is, probably, most important.

Education has several important effects on the economic development of a country. First of all,
industry requires an effective system of professional education, since it needs skilled workers to handle sophisticated modern equipment. Secondly, Globalization generates intensified competition in technology. Only nations that excel in the educational area can succeed on the international markets. Finally, health education is another requisite of efficient economy. It helps keep workforce healthy and most productive.

I am convinced that education is the base of affluent and stable societies. One of the grave consequences of illiteracy is poverty. In the 1960s, Lyndon Johnson addressed the problem of poverty in the US with words, 'Poverty has many roots but the taproot is ignorance'.  Another point here is that educated people are less involved in criminal activities. Law enforcement agencies report an appalling rate of crime among low-educated citizens. To end with, countries with better educational opportunities have lower levels of unemployment because people can afford another degree if they are not satisfied with the previous.

Education is also a unique tool for a country to succeed in international relations. Firstly, it helps to dismantle cultural barriers between nations. Students studying abroad get to understand customs of the host country. Secondly, it is a key to successful foreign policy. Educational exchanges help promote goodwill toward other countries. Final point is that education fosters the atmosphere of partnership between nations. International communities on universities’ campuses learn to understand each other and shift away from potential conflicts toward greater cooperation.

To summarize, I would like to point out that education is crucial to build a successful society in the 21st century. It undoubtedly influences industrial strength, social stability and the international image of any country.

Regards,

Dmitrij.