hi, i am going to apply for economic major for Undergraduate Application, can you help me to correct my whole essay? I am not good at grammar and i hope to make each paragraph more link and smooth. we are require to show our knowleadge on economics in our essay, also, we are need to tell why the school should choose me and how i am outstanding or having advantage than others with same GPA, but i have not idea where to add these in. Could anyone of you help me out? These are some of the other requirment that i wanna to maintain in the essay:

-Is thoughtful and honest, reflective

-Strives for depth, not breadth

-Follows the conventions of good writing

-Conforms to guidelines

-Answers the question!

-Benefits from several drafts and feedback from others

-Contains a catchy introduction that will keep the reader interested

-Transforms blemishes into positives

-Demonstrates your knowledge of the major/college

-Exudes confidence--you will be successful no matter what

The personal statement...

• Offers us an understanding of you as a unique individual within the context of your family, school, community, and the world.
• Adds clarity, richness, and meaning to the information collected in other parts of your application.
• Allows you to make your best case for why you should be admitted.
• Clarifies the distinctions between applicants whose academic records appear to be quite similar.
• Provides us with information that may not be evident in other parts of your application.
• Is a forum for you to explain how factors outside of your school environment have enhanced or impeded your ability to maximize available academic and intellectual opportunities.

The most compelling personal statements often include discussion of…

• Your academic record, accomplishments, and activities.
• Any unusual circumstances, challenges, or hardships you have faced and the ways in which you have overcome or responded to them.
• Your initiative, motivation, leadership, persistence, service to others, special potential, and/or substantial experience with other cultures.
• Your achievements in light of the opportunities available to you.
  

Be clear. Be focused. Be organized.

Be careful with humor and clichés.

Don’t manufacture hardship.

Use specific examples to illustrate your ideas.

My essay:

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Prompt #1 (transfer applicants)

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field — such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities — and what you have gained from your involvement.

My interest in economy dates back to my life in high school, where I was not good in economic. My failure in high school did not make me back down on economics, but firing up my will to overcome this subject.

When I was Grade 10, I met my economic teacher, Mrs. Tang. She is a very experienced teacher. She teaches very well and is patient with student. Although she was pregnant at that time, she still not gives up on us. She delayed her maternity leave for us, tried to finish up the chapters, since she worry that we cannot follow other teachers’ steps. We all appreciated her devotion of time to us and I was touched beyond words. In order to return her dedication, I make a promise to myself; I must need to spend more time on this subject, and get good grades on economics in the future. Hence, I pay extra effort on economic classes in the College. Thanks to the professors, I achieved some success on this subject. This sense of accomplishment makes me surer that I should make economics as my major.

The Cathy Pacific I Can Fly Program provides me a chance to know more about the world we are living with. This program consists of ground school training, aviation facilities visits and 1 self-designed social service activities.

In ground school training, Pilots teaches us the structure of planes, how it rise (something about physical science), and the aviation language. We are given an opportunity to practice the knowledge we learn, and divided into groups, pretending pilots and officers in the control centre. I was leaded by another group mates, and our team finally win the game. This activity makes me learn how to obey rules and orders from leaders, and cooperate with others. I think that this also enhanced my leadership, since we can learn the advantage from our leader. The skills I learned favored me on doing group work in school and in the program later on, making our team work more effective.

Among those aviation facilities visits, the visit that I remember the most is the visit of the Government Flying Service (GFS). This is a department responsible for search and rescue, air ambulance, firefighting, and law enforcement agencies’ operations, and they are 24 hours stand by, in order to provide the fastest help to the citizens. When we walk inside, we can see all the black helicopters lining up in the entrance of GFS. Some of the pilots in are hurry running to the material room, and run to the helicopter stand by outside. They are so professional and fight for every second they can get. We all keep our sight on the running pilots, and our guide hurried us to move forward. An officer is waiting for us in the material room, ready to teach us the first aid. We are taught for how to save ourselves and others when the helicopter drops into the sea. After that, we all need to be tested and count on time, and make us to know how important time is when we are doing the operation. Pilots and doctors risk theirs’ neck to save the patient, which we should respect on and learn from them, and contribute to our society.

Our self-designed social service activity is going to the rest home to take care the elder. We need to find our own sponsor, design our own activity, and plan our transport by ourselves. This enhanced our organizational skills and how we handle problems. Although the budget was a problem, we solved it by cut down the price of the prize, and we asked for a lower price for the transportation. Since the boss of the transportation organization knows that we are non-profit, he willing to provide us service in a lower price. During the activity, we are divided into group s of three, one is responsible for the performance (some magic, and sing karaoke with them), one take care audiences under the stage (help the elders cut their hair after the performance) and my group is responsible for the preparing food and services. Luckily, we prepare emergency plans and extra foods; therefore, our activity is very success.

I dream to study in (school name) when I was young; the beautiful campus of (school name) activities (school name) provide to student makes me looking forward to enroll in (school name). This make them not only good at academic, but also good in personality. I hope that I can get into (school name) economics major, to deepen my knowledge on economics, so that I can know more about the society problems, and help making our community better. I hope to have the ability to contribute to my society, and I believe that (school name) is the only place that can train me to be that kind of person.

Prompt #2 (all applicants)

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

 

Taking economics classes not only developed my interest on economics, but make me understand that it is a matter about human behavior, about us, and about our world.

 

Most of us tried to earn money by the fastest way – the stock market, and my dad is not an exceptional ones. Since I was young, I am imperceptibly influenced by what my dad constantly sees and hears. My dad always tells me about stock market, from time to time, helps me to create a database about economy in my head. In these years, my dad did not stop for buying stocks. He does this for me, to support my life and hope to maintain a better living standard for the family.

 

During the recent international economic disruption, my dad makes a great loss. This discouraged him from buying stocks, but he still remembers to remind me to look up for news of the Lehman Brothers and the stock market, as I am majoring in economics, it is good for me to know more about the global economy. My dad forgets about sadness and fail stock market brought to him, and think everything that good to me, makes me learn to be considerate and be strong. No matter what challenges block our way, we still need to face it and work. Therefore, we better face it happily rather than facing it sadly.

 

After the death of my grandpa, which he dies for sudden heart attack, makes us understand that life is short, and we need to treasure and considerate each of the people around us. My relationship with my family becomes better than before. My dad and mum phone me regularly; they are always worrying about me, afraid that I got ill. In the past, I may feel that they are annoying; but as I grow up, I know that it is their way of caring me. Their care is no longer annoyed me; but warm my heart. I should treasure this kind of care from them since many of the children have parent divorce or abandon by their parents, and I am the lucky one.

 

I am proud of having my dad. I hope that one day, I could be a daughter that he can proud of.