PinkNails Wants Help with Essay

Pinknails,

Please Post:46522 and 56402

Also, please don't carpet bomb the forum with your requests to have your letter examined. One request is sufficient. Several requests is impolite. We Canadians are usually more polite.

You had attached your essay to the end of another thread. I took the liberty of having your post start a new thread.

It's late now, so someone else or I will look at your stuff soon.

MountainHiker

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here are the instructions: ESSAY A - Autobiographical Essay: Give us your best writing. Tell us about yourself. You can include information on your family, significant persons, places and events in your life, what interests you, etc. You have some leeway with the writing format however overly dramatic or comedic writing including poetry or writing in the 3rd person is not encouraged. After reading your autobiographical essay the reader should be both informed and motivated to find out more about you. HERE IS MY ESSAY... I knew I wanted to be a writer when I had three of my poems published in a regional elementary school competition here in Toronto. It was then, at the age of eight that I realized my dream of leaving a literary trace in this world. My first journalistic experience occurred in 1996 through my membership as an active member of Toronto’s Metro Youth Council. I had volunteered for several note-taking sessions concerning the long-term effects of the economy and globalization on youth. I recorded the minutes of formal meetings and assisted facilitators with interactive youth programs addressing issues affecting youth, global concerns, crime, jobs, affordable education and various training programs. My notes were then used to help draft the final proposal, which was presented at the Conference of Major Metropolis’s in Tokyo, Japan, in 1996. As a student attending Catholic Arts high school, I could not understand how an undergraduate’s degree would have benefited me at all. My former dreams of becoming the leading flutist in the Toronto Symphony Orchestra were dying down and I was entering the world as a high-school graduate with no major plans in store. In 2001, I started a small job recruiting and resume consulting business in which I prepare my clients resumes and portfolio’s for today’s job market. After graduating from high school, I stumbled into a five-week contract position with Ingram Micro, an information technology wholesaler, and quickly excelled to a full time marketing role. My experience at Ingram Micro enabled me to visualize how an Undergraduate degree could enhance my performance, communication skills and develop my craft of creative writing. It also helped in the development of my overall administrative skills. I eventually left Ingram Micro to pursue my Undergraduates degree in Communication Studies and Humanities at York University. Throughout my life, my education and work experiences have fuelled my desire to be involved in a professional media environment. My experience as a freelance writer for a number of local print and on-line magazines within Toronto has lead to my interest in journalism. In October of 2002, I joined Urban Vibez Magazine, a small urban hip-hop magazine in Toronto. As junior editor in chief I edited and directed the preparation of a their materials for publication. In addition, I was also responsible for researching marketing and communication news, managing our editorial staff, and keeping track of deadlines and production dates. Working with a small staff enabled me to work closely with our advertising, circulation and promotion departments, which helped me to understand the intricate details involved in publishing a monthly magazine. Unfortunately, within a period of six to seven months my career with Urban Vibez magazine was short lived due to slow advertising sales. Overall, my time spent with Urban Vibez magazine helped me to realize the role I wanted to take part in, in the magazine industry. Aside from working part time and putting myself through school, my extracurricular activities primarily involve freelance writing and the completion of my memoir. I have submitted several articles and opinion pages to print and on-line magazines, local newspapers and community bulletins within Toronto. The articles I have written address a variety of topics including health, relationships and child abuse issues as well cultural events and Internet piracy. I also enjoy reading and collecting magazines, acting and interior design. In addition, I have worked as an extra in the film and television industry in Toronto. My love for being in front of or behind the camera further propelled me to intern for The Weather Network in their Marketing and Communications department in 2004. My duties at The Weather Network vary from researching and archiving media clippings, participating in marketing meetings, assisting with contests, audience relations, partnerships, merchandise selection, advertising initiatives and the overall execution of our Marketing plan. One of my biggest accomplishments was designing, writing and releasing a seasonal newsletter to The Weather Networks Extreme Weather Team. The outcome of this piece received positive responses from Extreme Weather Team members. In the future, I plan to be involved in the creative or business side of a media environment. My goal is to work in a prestigious news, magazine or broadcast organization where I can bring both a Caribbean-Canadian and American perspective to my work. My aim is to inform the public on current, national and local topics and eventually branch out into on-air reporting, anchoring and news production. Living in Canada has exposed me to various cultures, religions and ethnicities. While attending school, my class consisted of children with Italian, Hispanic, Portuguese, East Indian, East Asian, Vietnamese and Lebanese backgrounds. Having friends with such diverse cultures gave me insight into their culturally rich backgrounds. For the past twenty years I have spent my summer’s visiting my relatives in New York City and have developed an interest in going to school there. My summers in New York also allowed me to observe the similarities and differences amongst certain cultural groups within Canada and the United States. My travels throughout the United States of America have spanned the Eastern Coast. I have been to places such as Buffalo and New York City, New York, historic Delaware and Pennsylvania, Atlanta, Georgia, the nation's capital Washington, DC, Mid-West Illinois and the Sunshine State of Florida. Some of my most exciting travel took place throughout several visits in the Caribbean including Cuba, Jamaica, The Dominican Republic and the Bahamas. Throughout my entire employment history, I have had the privilege of working with people from various backgrounds, who not only enlightened me with home cooked meals but also with cultural history lessons. I embrace diversity and I am not afraid of it. Although it took me a bit longer to complete my undergraduate education, I consider it my greatest achievement. I paid for it, I struggled for it and I gave up a great deal of my life for it. I also realize that my educational path is not complete. As I approach the completion of my Undergraduate degree, I realize that in order to reach the level of success I have set for myself, I will need to further my education. That is why I am applying to Columbia’s graduate program in Magazine journalism. In my opinion, Canada and the United States television, newspaper and magazine industries are different. However, America’s media industry yields far more diverse media outlets and opportunities for research in this field. This experience will enhance my understanding of the relationship between Canada and the United States by allowing a cross-cultural and balanced exchange of knowledge with those that I encounter.

Hi MountainHiker,
sorry about confusion, I'm a new user and I was having a problem figuring out how to post.... or start a new thread, which I still don't know how to do by the way....so I just added on to Rody's...sorry..

Thank you for replying so fast !!!
I'm having a serious creative block right now..writing about yourself is hard....I'm starting to wonder why I'm applying at all....getting discouraged with this application..I'll take a look at your pointers and see what I can come up with...can u keep this thread going just incase I want to show it to u again ?

Thanks again!!

Whenever something bothers me, I write about it. [Who does this first sentence relate to the rest of your paragraph?] I am a literary explorer who has written for small entrepreneurial newspapers to a weather news channel. [I don’t like this sentence now as much as I did last night before going to bed. Somehow it has to express a range.] I have known I wanted to be a writer at the age of eight. [Why? How?] My first journalistic experience occurred in 1996 as an active member of Toronto’s Metro Youth Council. I recorded the minutes of formal meetings and assisted facilitators with interactive youth programs addressing issues affecting youth, global concerns, crime, jobs, affordable education and various training programs. My notes formed the final proposal presented at the Conference of Major Metropolis’ in Tokyo, Japan, in 1996.

For the past twenty years I have spent my summer’s visiting my relatives in New York City and have developed an interest in going to school there. I am attracted to Columbia University’s magazine journalism program for its impressive alumni who have worked for major publications including GLAMOUR, Rolling Stones and The New York Times Magazine. Attending the Delacorte [?] lectures given by leading editors in the industry will provide me with the information I need to become a writer and editor in the magazine industry. I am particularly interested in the spring workshops where students get the chance to create their own magazine prototypes from start to finish. Enrollment in Columbia’s graduate program will also make me eligible for a fellowship in the Columbia Journalism Review. [This paragraph seems scattered. You start by talking about visiting your relative in NYC, and you end your paragraph by talking about fellowship in Columbia Journalism Review.]

In the future, I plan to work towards creating my own magazine or assist major publications in providing more of a representative voice that blacks can relate to. [Why not state this at the front of you essay so that we know what your ultimate goal is?] I have found that there is a lack of homebred magazines in Canada, that give a face to important issues ranging from health and relationships to finance and business and other issues affecting African Americans and African Canadians today. In my opinion [as opposed to who else?], the Canadian and United States magazine, newspaper and television industries are very different. However, America’s media industry features far more diverse media outlets and opportunities for research. My goal is to work in a prestigious news, magazine or broadcast organization where I can bring both a Caribbean-Canadian and American perspective to my work. [Didn’t you say you plan to work toward creating your own magazine? Something that blacks can relate to? Or is your goal to work for someone else? Or is your goal…?]

Throughout my life, my education and work experiences have fuelled my desire to be involved in a professional media environment. My experience as a freelance writer for print and on-line magazines within Toronto has led to my interest in journalism. [But didn’t you know at the age of 8 that you were predestined to become a writer?] In October of 2002, I joined Urban Vibez Magazine, a small urban hip-hop magazine in Toronto. As junior editor in chief I edited and directed the preparation of their materials for publication.

One of the things I loved most about that job was the occasional argument between my co-workers over an ambiguous statement or questionable comma in the work I edited. [You love arguments--that ought to go over well with the admissions committee.] The adrenaline of staying on top of deadlines and researching communication news for an upcoming issue is what I crave.[Maybe it is just me, but it leaves me with the impression of poor work habits.] Working with a small staff enabled me to work closely with their advertising, circulation and promotion departments, which helped me to understand the intricate details involved in publishing a monthly magazine. Overall, my time spent with Urban Vibez magazine helped me to realize the creative writing role I wanted to pursue in the magazine industry. [There seem to be a lot of times, places and experiences that have shaped your ultimate goal, no?]

My love for being in front of or behind the camera further propelled me to intern for The Weather Network in their Marketing and Communications department in 2004. One of my biggest accomplishments was designing, writing and releasing a seasonal newsletter to The Weather Networks Extreme Weather Team. The outcome of this piece received positive responses from Extreme Weather Team members.[awkward phrase] Aside from assisting with contests and advertising initiatives, my experience with the Weather Network has reinforced my goal of pursuing Masters degree in magazine journalism so that I may assist behind the lens by writing for media magazines.

In 2001, [why are talking about 2001 after having discussed 2004 in the prior paragraph?] I started a small job recruiting and resume consulting business in which I prepare my clients resumes and portfolios for today’s job market. After graduating from high school, I stumbled into a five-week contract position with Ingram Micro, an information technology wholesaler, and quickly excelled to a full time marketing role. My experience at Ingram Micro enabled me to visualize how an Undergraduate degree could enhance my performance, communication skills and develop my craft of creative writing. It also helped in the development of my overall administrative skills. I eventually left Ingram Micro to pursue my Undergraduates degree in Communication Studies and Humanities at York University.

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[stopped editing]

Aside from working part time and putting myself through school, my interests primarily involve freelance writing and the completion of my memoir. I have submitted several articles and opinion pages to print and on-line magazines, local newspapers and community bulletins within Toronto. The articles I have written address a variety of topics including health, relationships and child abuse issues as well cultural events and Internet piracy. I also enjoy reading and collecting magazines, acting and interior design. In addition, I have worked as an extra in the film and television industry in Toronto.

I consider my undergraduate education to be my greatest achievement. I paid for it, I struggled for it and I gave up a great deal of my life for it. I also realize that my educational path is not complete. As I approach the completion of my Undergraduate degree, I realize that in order to reach the level of success I have set for myself, I will need to further my education. That is why I am applying to Columbia’s graduate program in Magazine journalism. My education, experiences and unique perspectives have prepared me for enrollment in Columbia’s magazine journalism program. By attending Columbia’s Masters of Journalism program, I will become more marketable as a journalist in Canada. This experience will enhance my understanding of the relationship between Canada and the United States by allowing a cross-cultural and balanced exchange of knowledge with those that I encounter.


PinkNails,

Your essay is weak and chaotic. I can’t give you much help. These essays are supposed to be written by YOU. They want to see how well you write. They want to know can you organize your thoughts into a coherent series of arguments to present your story or case.

Columbia wants your BEST writing. Not my best, or our best, but YOUR BEST.

I think you need to think deeply about your essay and your career ambitions. If you are truly serious about Columbia, you have to kick it up several notches.

I have given you some comments to think about. What you do with those comments is up to you. You can provide another revision to the forum for review. But it’ll likely be the last one we will look at. We can’t afford to spend too much time on any one individual, especially when she is crafting an admission’s essay that is supposed to be written by her alone.

The other thing is that Colombia could take a sentence from your essay, throw it into Google, and up comes this discussion. So much for your argument that this is solely your effort.

Anyway, something to think about.

MountainHiker

Hello,

I would like to know if you could help me with this essay. I intend to apply to columbia univ, and this is the topic of the essay:

What are your short-term and long-term post-MBA goals? How will Columbia Business School help you

achieve these goals? (recommended 1000 word limit)

I don't know how to link the second part of the essay - the one with the goals - to the part with my past ( while i know that it doesn't exaclty answer the question, i think the first part gives a backgoround on why or how i have those specific goals).

any other comment are welcomed.

The essay:

I was born in Romania at a time when the communist dictator Ceausescu was running – and ruining – the country. On 17 of December 1989 the Romanian people have commenced the Revolution. It was one of the bloodiest revolutions that brought the fall of the communism in Europe, with more than 1000 victims. While the fight hasn’t reached my city, we all watched the revolution live on TV. Time after time, the people (mostly students) were gathering in the Bucharest center and then were fired upon by groups loyal to the regime. I was only eight years old than, yet I remember what I’ve seen than like it were yesterday. Although I didn’t know it at the time, those events were bound to have a profound impact on my life in general and on my values system in particular. Freedom, respect for human rights and the continuous fight for one’s believes are values that those that died have thought me.

These values have guided me later in life. While in university, I created a student cell with the stated mission of promotin