Please help - application letter for secondary school

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Guest:
I m a parent whose daughter is applying for admission of secondary school(Form 1). I would like to write an application letter. Should I write as a parent or as if she were writing the letter
??

thx
Hi,

Unless your daughter writes the letter herself, you should write as a parent. It's more honest.

MountainHiker
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thanks a lot.

Then is it better to wirte the application letter herself or I write it as a parent?
New Member04
That would depend upon the school's policy. Ask them to explain the admission process to you.
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Here is the draft of the application letter. Would you please give me some comments and make corrections? Thanks so much for your kind help.

I am a parent who is seeking an open and lively learning environment for my daughter in order for her to achieve a balanced development in academic, moral, physical and artistic qualities, as well as to nurture the values of love, goodness and truth. After researching secondary schools in this region, I am greatly impressed by your school's educational philosophy, dedicated teaching staff, overall facilities and excellent track record. Therefore, I would like to apply on behalf of my daughter, ***, for admission into Form 1 of your school.

Since 1999, *** has been studying at *** primary school. It has well equipped her with strong academic background, and developed her moral values and artistic qualities. She attained good grades in Chinese, English and Putonghua, and was nominated as “Outstanding Student of the Year” from P4-P6.

In addition to academic achievement, we have provided opportunities for *** to better develop her other abilities and talents. She has participated in various extra-curricular activities including arts classes, music events and English drama club. Her talents are well recognized by the awards she obtained in various arts competitions and music events.

Furthermore, *** is dedicated to serve others. She has been the school bus prefect, librarian, representative of the School Cleaning Campaign and member of The Boys’ Brigade, Hong Kong. These activities have helped her build up her confidence, responsibility and interpersonal skills.

We sincerely hope that *** can be admitted to your school, where she will receive appropriate guidance and continue to develop and express her unique individuality.

Enclosed are the application form and the required documents. I look forward to your favourable reply.
Jessmac,

Be sure to thank Howard Cheung for providing some initial thoughts.

The one paragraph that concerns me slightly is the following:
In addition to academic achievement, we have provided opportunities for *** to better develop her other abilities and talents. She has participated in various extra-curricular activities including arts classes, music events and English drama club. Her talents are well recognized by the awards she obtained in various arts competitions and music events.


Is is "art" or "arts" competitions? I would probably use "musical" rather than "music". Search through your paragraph for music and test whether it should be the noun "music" or the adjective "musical". Having said that, I checked "music events" (with quotes) versus "musical events" (with quotes) in Google, and "music events" is far more popular. My instincts tell me to use "musical events" but popular useage seems to support "music events". So go with whichever you think is correct.

I have inherent dislike for "various". If i were marking this letter as a teacher, I would reduce your grade by various marks for various reasons and I would highlight various errors, though not all. You can see that "various" begins to tell you nothing. Instead, I would highlight a couple or few major awards and then mention that many other awards have been won as well.

MountainHiker
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First, I would like to thank MountainHiker for your great help and Mr H Cheung for providing the skeleton of the letter.

Here is the modified one: (with the changes in [ ] ) [How can i use bold or italic or different colours here?? I m too stupid about this]

Since 1999, *** has been studying at *** Primary School. It has well equipped her with strong academic background, and developed her moral values and artistic qualities. She attained good grades in [different] subjects including Chinese, English and Putonghua, and was nominated as “Outstanding Student of the Year” from P4-P6.

In addition to academic achievement, we have provided opportunities for *** to better develop her other abilities and talents. She has participated in various extra-curricular activities including arts classes, [musical] events and English drama club. [Her talents are well recognized by the awards she obtained. She was the first runner up of the “Hong Kong Tour” Drawing Competition and the Champion of 3 other colouring competitions. Many other awards have been won as well. ]

---------------------------------------

1. After checking through the dictionary, I am still not sure about the difference between "art" and "arts". If my meaning here is "drawing, coloring", then which one I should use? And can u tell me their difference?

2. For the para about extra curricular activities, is it better now?

Thank very much for your patience and generous help.
Jessmac,

bold (remove spaces)
underline (remove spaces)
italics (remove spaces)
quoted stuff (remove spaces)
Since 1999, *** has been studying at *** Primary School. It has well equipped her with strong academic background, and developed her moral values and artistic qualities. She attained good grades in [different] subjects including Chinese, English and Putonghua, and was nominated as “Outstanding Student of the Year” from P4-P6.


I would rewrite it slightly differently. Now we are getting into style and personal preferences. So use with caution.

*** has been study at *** Primary School since 1999. Through her studies she gained a strong academic background as well as developed her moral values and artistic qualities. Moreover, she earned high marks in all/most/different subjects including Chinese, English and Putonghua, and she was nominated as “Outstanding Student of the Year” from P4-P6.

If I recall correctly.....

1) She earned high marks, and she was a good student. Okay form.

2) She earned high marks, and was a good student. Poor form. After the "and" is not a complete sentence.

I prefer my version because it is more straightforward and active throughout. There are not "It has...". Rather, we have her as the action figure throughout.

In addition to academic achievement, we have provided opportunities for *** to better develop her other abilities and talents. She has participated in various extra-curricular activities including arts classes, musical events and [a] English drama club. Her talents are well recognized [as evidenced] by the awards she obtained. [You could also write this more active. "She enjoys her activities and frequently wins awards as recognition of her talents."] She was the first runner up of the “Hong Kong Tour” Drawing Competition and the Champion of [three] other colouring competitions. Many other awards have been won as well.

Good. We usually write in English small numbers. There are rules somewhere I am sure, though I don't know them.

I think you are okay with "arts". If it was just one class she took of "art" where they did many things, I think it would be "art". But if she takes different classes in the "arts", then I would use "arts".

Yes, I like the extra curricular paragraph better. I like specificity where you can see, touch, feel, smell, or hear something. I like to provide the reader with something tangible rather than just ether.

I hope this helps.

MountainHiker

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MountainHiker,

Thank you very much for your great help. I really learn a lot from you. You are very helpful and generous.

Would you mind telling me where you are from? I'm from Hong Kong, I learn English as my second language. After I reached a certain standard, I find it hard to improve. Or it takes much more effort to improve a bit, haha.

Thanks again for your help. I will tell you the application result of my daughter later, probably in June 2005.
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