[title]Family quotes[/title] [description]Welcome to our family quotes section! Here you'll find some of the funniest (and wisest) quotes on the subject of family life![/description]
Learn English and meet people on the world’s largest EFL social network

We have partnered with TradePub to bring you free industry magazines and resources - no coupons or credit cards required!

Visit: englishforums.tradepub.com


Share this topic:
This is a discussion thread.
Latest post Fri, Jan 18 2008 11:40 PM by Pressey. 4 replies.
| |
Pressey  +  465995 Fri, 18 Jan 08 09:29 PM
hi i wanna know if this essay is good enouht i kow it sounds good but i need someone to help me make it sound better.
this is the question
Please describe the challenges you expect to face at the College at Old Westbury
and how you are prepared to meet those challenges.

here is the essay

Entering the college of old Westbury I am expecting to face different challenges because it is going to be a new environment for me. I expect to meet new people and learn new things because all freshman students are expected to face challenges in their first year of college and I am ready to face that challenge because I have faced challenges before. I came from Nigeria a country which has a different culture and language and I had to come to a whole new country which was like a whole new world for me because in New York city there are different types of people who live in here and they all have other cultures.  For me it was a easy challenge because I was prepared for all those things.

            Coming from Nigeria to the U.S was a whole new thing for me because I never thought one time in my life that I would move to another country it was difficult, however it was for a better future because I came from a country where schools were like politics. The only way you can be able to go to college is if you can pay the people who check your admission papers to see if you qualify or not. It really doesn’t matter if you have the highest GPA. The country has a government but the government doesn’t care about the country, they care more about their pockets.

            I welcome these challenges of higher education because it is a productive challenge rather than a negative challenge. Which ever challenge I face at the college of old Westbury I am ready to fight it because whatever I achieve from those challenges are the keys to my future. I take college as a journey everyone faces at a certain point in time. If you complete the challenges, the road to success will be wide open you just have to go and get whatever you want but if you don’t finish the journey the road to success will be tougher on you due to the fact that you never finished the challenge and there are certain things you never got to find out. The main goal of college is to get you ready for the world out there. So whatever challenges that come in for me at the college of old Westbury I can face because I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again..

 


Joined on Fri, Jan 18 2008
New Member 03
Mister Micawber  +  466008 Fri, 18 Jan 08 10:07 PM

Hello Pressey.  I have underlined problem areas and crossed out unnecessry verbiage that should be removed:

Entering the college of old Westbury, I am expecting to face different challenges because it is going to be a new environment for me. I expect to meet new people and learn new things because all freshman students are expected to face challenges in their first year of college and I am ready to face that challenge because I have faced challenges before. I came from Nigeria, a country which has a different culture and language, and I had to come to a whole new country which was like a whole new world for me because in New York city there are different types of people who live in here and they all have other cultures.  For me it was a easy challenge because I was prepared for all those things.

            Coming from Nigeria to the U.S was a whole new thing for me because I never thought one time in my life that I would move to another country it was difficult, however it was for a better future because I came from a country where schools were like politics. The only way you can be able to go to college is if you can pay the people who check your admission papers to see if you qualify or not. It really doesn’t matter if you have the highest GPA. The country has a government but the government doesn’t care about the country; they care more about their pockets.

            I welcome these challenges of higher education because it is a productive challenge rather than a negative challenge. Which ever challenge I face at the college of old Westbury, I am ready to face it because whatever I achieve from those challenges are the keys to my future. I take college as a journey everyone faces at a certain point in time. If you complete the challenges, the road to success will be wide open, you just have to go and get whatever you want but if you don’t finish the journey the road to success will be tougher on you due to the fact that you never finished the challenge and there are certain things you never got to find out. The main goal of college is to get you ready for the world out there. So whatever difficulties confront me at the college of old Westbury I can face, because I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again..


Joined on Wed, Aug 4 2004
Yokohama
Veteran Member 30,825
'The question is,' said Humpty Dumpty, 'which is to be master-- that's all.'
Pressey  +  466009 Fri, 18 Jan 08 10:16 PM
can you help me make it sound better since you have alredy crossed somethings out and you know more.also i want to know if i should chage the underlined words or not
Mister Micawber  +  466023 Fri, 18 Jan 08 11:22 PM

I am not going to rewrite your essay for you, Pressey--you only learn by doing.  Change the underlined parts, delete the crossed-out parts, and revise to make the essay smooth (some of my deletions affect the grammar and punctuation of the rest of their sentences).

Pressey, 1 yr 312 days ago
okay ig to it i was just wondering if u could revise it but i will fix it okay. and repost it
© MediaCet Ltd. 2009, v5.0.3616.28671. All content posted by our users is a contribution to the public domain, this does not include imported usenet posts.*
For web related enquires please contact us on webmaster@mediacet.com, status updates are available at status.mediacet.com.
*Usenet post removal: Use 'X-No-Archive'. You may not have understood that your posts would end up in the public domain. Please send proof of the poster's email, we will remove immediately.