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Latest post Thu, Jan 22 2009 12:20 PM by Chips_vik. 2 replies.
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Chips_vik  +  650609 Wed, 21 Jan 09 06:49 PM
cip
Joined on Wed, Jan 21 2009
New Member 08
ferpectedit  +  650855 Thu, 22 Jan 09 01:02 AM
Hello:
I work for an online proofreading and editing service. Please see my profile for more info. I won't revise your whole essay here, but I will show you the changes I would make in your first two paragraphs (which I have combined into one).

To The Selection Committee:
I have lived my whole life in the same country, in the same city, so my dearest dream is to study abroad after I graduate high school. I love my hometown but feel a strong need to discover new cultures and gain new experience. Studying at the English-taught bachelor's programme in Economics and Business, at the University of Amsterdam will provide me with the knowledge and change of scene that I crave.

The beginning of your motivation letter is basically sound, but please pay careful attention to the changes I have made.
1) Salutations for a motivation letter (or anything other than junk mail) should never begin "To Whom It May Concern". Either do a little research to find out the full name and title of the contact person (Dr. would be the most likely title in the U.S.) or use my salutation (which is acceptable for this type of program which--in the U.S.--usually has a committee reviewing applications). Also, a business (as opposed to personal) letter salutation always ends in a colon.
2) I made your sentences a lot more direct and eliminated unnecessary words like "hereby", which is old-fashioned and should be used only in official proclamations.The program and university you are applying to should be part of your concluding sentence in the first paragraph.
3) Avoid the word "foreign" in this context. The country and the language are not foreign to the people to whom you are addressing this letter.
4) Try to include either in this paragraph or the one right after it why you would be a great addition to this program. Make the letter less about what you want and more about why they should want you.
Good luck and take care.

Joined on Mon, Sep 8 2008
New Member 27
See my profile for info on getting reasonable (or for those new to my site, free) proofreading and editing services.
Chips_vik  +  651388 Thu, 22 Jan 09 12:20 PM
Thank you very much for you comments!!
I totally agree with your 4th point... I kinda got the feeling too that I made the letter more about why the university is a great match for me rather than why I am a great match for the universty (:)) Smile I'll try to make some changes about that....
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