We have partnered with TradePub to bring you free industry magazines and resources - no coupons or credit cards required!

Visit: englishforums.tradepub.com


Share this topic:
This is a discussion thread.
Latest post Wed, Jan 28 2009 11:07 PM by ferpectedit. 1 replies.
| |
mhproductions  +  654553 Mon, 26 Jan 09 02:31 PM
Dear Forum Readers,

I am a second year bachelor student. I am applying for an exchange programme. Would someone be so kind to give my motivation letter a review and check it on grammar, spelling, fluency, etc..

Thank you very much!

With Kind Regards,
Maarten van den Heuvel





Dear Sir / Madam,

Bachelor exchange is about new experiences. Getting to know yourself better, getting to know new people, new environments. I would be honoured to be considered as a part of an experience like this.

Let me get started with a short introduction of myself. My name is Maarten van den Heuvel. As my name reveals, I am Dutch. I was born in Nijmegen and I went to primary and secondary school there. I moved to this part of the country almost two years back. In the mean time I have settled here and learned how to live without my parents. The first bachelor year was filled with lots of fun and working hard. Nevertheless, I completed all my first year courses during the first year and all courses of the first trimester of the second year by obtaining a sufficient grade. My believe is that I made the perfect choice to apply at RSM after secondary school. I am sure that I made a comparable choice by applying for this exchange programme.

RSM belongs to one of the leading European business schools. Therefore, a better education within Europe is hard to find. Nevertheless, I have chosen to apply for exchange universities in Europe only. The main reason for this decision is that I would like to experience a country where I consider living and working in the future. I believe that I can have a great time and a wonderful educational experience in any of the exchange locations chosen by me. The application brochure stated that a student should be excited about every single chosen location. My application does comply with that compulsory guideline.

I am a very hard working, ambitious and international oriented student. I have a job where I have to work with people around the world every day. You can be international orientated in Europe, you can be ambitious in Europe and you will have to work very hard in Europe. I am ready for that; I am ready for working very hard to get to the top.

To get into the IBA programme I have written a motivation letter. I wrote a paragraph about my expectations regarding the program and it contained my believe that the IBA programme would educate me to be able reach the top of the international business world. My believe in the programme and the RSM has not changed. I would like to expand my business education, international experience and future opportunities. My international future might start in one of the locations chosen by me. I truly hope that you are willing to help me with that future by granting me access to the exchange programme and to one of those universities.

One important question remains; why did I choose these specific universities within Europe? Let me help you understand. Both my first and second choice are very high ranked business schools in Europe. Moreover, I consider London as one of the most important business cities in Europe. There is nothing less exciting than studying business in the business capital of Europe. The great combination of a business atmosphere and British culture made me choose the Cass Business School.

Nevertheless, I am very excited about my other four choices as well. Especially the second university I have applied for is one of my favourites. One of the leading business schools in Europe as well and the best you can get in Italy. Studying there would be a great possibility to experience an international future in business.

Bachelor exchange is one of the reasons I have chosen for the IBA bachelor programme. This great opportunity to see, feel and live a completely different culture. The universities I picked out for my application have something special. Just that little extra that would make my exchange experience not only great but superior.

Thank you very much for taking my application into consideration.

 

Yours faithfully,

Maarten van den Heuvel

Joined on Thu, Dec 4 2008
New Member 20
ferpectedit  +  656623 Wed, 28 Jan 09 11:07 PM
I work for an online editing and proofreading service where we see many, many letters of motivation. Please see my profile for more information. I won't revise your whole letter here, but I will show you the changes I would make to your first and second paragraphs (which I have combined into one).

To The Selection Committee:
I am writing to apply to the __ Exchange Programme. I am from the Netherlands. I was born in Nijmegen where I went to primary and secondary school. I moved to __ almost two years back to attend __ __ __. RSM was the perfect choice for me. I have completed all my first-year courses and all courses of the first trimester of the second year with a grade-point average of__. I now want to be part of your programme, to gain new experience, get to know myself and other people better and expose myself to a new environment.

Your introduction is basically sound, but I have condensed it and tweaked the sentences to make them an easier read. I have also corrected some common, though not serious, errors like the salutation. Never begin with "Dear Sir/Madam" unless you want your recipient to throw out the letter before he or she has finished reading it. In the United States most applications are decided by a selection committee. If you have reason to believe an individual will be the one making the decision for this program, find out the name and preferred title of that person (from the programme website or by making a phone call) and use it. Also business correspondence salutations always end in a colon.

Avoid stating "My name is" in your introduction since your name should be on your CV and the rest of your application as well as the signature and the return address. I omitted the "Let me get started...", the bit about living without parents and the fun and hard work of the first year because they are all unnecessary filler. Your letter is a lot stronger without them. You also should, in the first mention, spell out the name of your university and, if it's not an embarrassment, include your grade-point average (or the European equivalent). "Sufficient grade" is not a familiar phrase to me. For a U.S. program (note the spelling difference) your sentence should be, "I have passed all my first-year courses as well as all the courses of the first semester of my second-year." In the U.S., the only common usage of trimester is in describing pregnancy! Good luck and take care.



Joined on Mon, Sep 8 2008
New Member 27
See my profile for info on getting reasonable (or for those new to my site, free) proofreading and editing services.
© MediaCet Ltd. 2009, v5.0.3614.32638. All content posted by our users is a contribution to the public domain, this does not include imported usenet posts.*
For web related enquires please contact us on webmaster@mediacet.com, status updates are available at status.mediacet.com.
*Usenet post removal: Use 'X-No-Archive'. You may not have understood that your posts would end up in the public domain. Please send proof of the poster's email, we will remove immediately.