Gulnur:
I like your topic, and I think you are on the right track. I can see that you have worked hard on your essay. It has given me much to think about. Let me offer your some suggestions.
I’m not sure where your essay begins. Does it begin with “Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?” or with “People should always show their strong emotions . . .” or with “In my opinion people should show their emotions to some extent”? I take it that you mean for your essay to begin with “In my opinion people should show their emotions to some extent.” With this as your opening sentence, you get right to the point.
I would omit such statements as “In my opinion,” “As far as I am concerned,” and “for me.” As your reader, I know that what I am reading is your opinion. If what you were saying were not your feelings, you would want to tell me by saying something like, “A friend of mine believes . . .;” otherwise, everything in your essay is your opinion.
Make sure that your reader knows that the emotions you are talking about are love, joy, anger, sadness, and fear. There are only five emotions. You are apt to confuse your reader when you say, “She showed us her feelings, because she was really happy.” Elsewhere you say, “If they are happy, they should show this.” “Feelings” are not an emotion; nor is “happy.” If you were to substitute “joy” for “feeling,” your first sentence would be stronger.
Make sure that what you say is believable. You say, “a friend of mine received an acceptance from a very celebrated university last year.” A little later you say, “a friend of mine went to a job interview last week.” Somehow these two statements seem to me to be statements of convenience for you rather than statements of fact. I am not convinced that a friend of yours did either of these things. If other readers come to the same conclusion that I did, your writing is discredited. Your readers won’t trust you. They will stop reading. Write is such a way as to convince your reader.
You say, “That emotions have profound importance in people’ lives is widely known.” As your reader, I might want to say, “Widely known by whom”? The statement needs more support; it’s too general as it stands, too matter of fact. Say something like “Emotions are profoundly important to our well-being.”
You say, “Without emotions, we have no difference from plants let alone animals.” It’s not emotions that distinguish us from plants and animals. All living things have emotions. If you have ever stood at the edge of a forest that is being harvested, you will understand what I mean. Huge machines are used to strip the bark and branches from trees before they are cut. For that brief second or two between the time the machine goes silent after denuding a tree and the chain saw starts, you can hear a mournful whine from the tree, the cry of death. And if you have ever seen a baboon facing a tiger without a means of escape, you will have seen fear in a way you may never see again. Instead of contrasting human emotion with plants and animals, I would play to their likeness by saying something like, “All living things are endowed with emotions. Not to express these emotions would be like not living.”
Beware of sentence fragments, such as “Because people generally do not want to show their disappointments”—a clause, not a sentence.
Make sure that your paragraphs cover only one topic. Group what belongs to that topic and put it in a paragraph. Don’t put two topics in the same paragraph. When you do, you confuse your reader.
I would suggest that you rewrite your essay several more times. Writing and rewriting are the only way to write well. I would also suggest that you plan for your essay to have four paragraphs. The first paragraph should introduce your subject, define what emotions are—fear, love, joy, anger, sadness.
In the second paragraph, I would make my case for why it is important for us to show our emotions. Don’t raise any reasons for not expressing emotions in this paragraph. That will come in the third paragraph. This is what I mean when I san, “group what belongs to that topic and put it in a paragraph.” Don’t get your material out of order.
In the third paragraph, I would point out the dangers and consequences of unbridled or inappropriate emotions.
In the fourth paragraph, I would summarize my thesis: “Even with the dangers, even with the possible consequences, emotions are too important for us to keep bottled up inside ourselves. We are truly human only when we are able to express our emotions in ways that are true to ourselves and to other.”
I hope this is helpful to you. Your essay, as you can see, prompted me to do a lot of thinking on my own. You have chosen a great topic. You have got all the basics you need for a very good essay. All you need to do is write, rewrite, and write again, over and over until you have it in a form that will keep your readers reading the way it did me. Thanks.
|