Hello everyone,
I got an assignment on writing a refusal letter. I send it to my prof and then she send me the file back with her comments on it. I tried to fix it but I am not sure I did it correct. Could you guys please take a look and give me some suggestions?
Thank in advance
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Here is the letter with the prof's comments
RESPONDING TO MULTICULRAL LANGUAGUE ISSUES
We are please to receive your
concern letter about language issues for multicultural guests. review class notes…..reader’s concern is not how pleased the
writer is. .. think about this…why would
you be pleased to get a request that you are going to have to refuse? According to our research, the mission of
the Office of International Services is to foster cross-cultural understanding
and enable international students to accomplish their educational, social, and
professional objectives at Indiana University. Therefore, one of your goal in
this academic year to achieve that statement is to collaborate with other
community units to develop, and implement services to enhance cross-cultural
awareness and strengthen the provision of programs and services to
international students, faculty, and staff. As a major retail organization, we totally agree
with your idea and we are happy to help the internation students to incorporate
with this community.this information—after it is
revised for conciseness is good information. .it just isn’t information that
should be in the opening paragraph.
Opening paragraph is two or three sentences—onsubject neutral opening to
get the reader to continue reading.
One of the
reason that the international student come to the U.S to study is because they
want to improve their English skills and also to learn more about the U.S
culture. Therefore, to achieve that goal, one of the best ways is to deal with
English as much as possible. Based on a science research, reading
advertisements and in-store signages in English can help the foreigners expanding
their skills effectively in such a short time. In addition, at Williams’ Inc many
multicultural team members who come from those countries that was listed in
your letter will always be available to help customers when they have difficulties
to understand the advertisements and signs. Without a doubt, customers will
receive benefits from using English advertisements.
When
word gives you a red or green underline, that means something is wrong
grammatically. Always proofread those
very carefully.
At Williams’ Inc, customer
satisfaction is our suceess. We are bringing the best to our customers not only
by the quality products but also by improving their happiness and knowledge.
And we believe that all other retailers in this coummunity will share this
common thought. So we all share that using English advertisements will bring
our customers closer to success in inproving their English skills.I like your idea. .. .but be sure the refusal is clear but
positive.
We understand that your national
meeting on October 24 is a great chance to share the good news that all major
retailers in this community will try their best to support the multicutural
guests. Therefore, please bring to the national meeting our promise that we
still, and will always , try to make our multicultural customers happy when
shopping at our stores. And using English advertisements is one in many good
ways to do that.
We deeply appreciate that you took
the time to bring your efforts to our attention. We look forward to receiving
more thoughful suggestions and ideas from you in the near future.