Scottish jokes

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#65480 Wed, 05 Jan 05 06:49 PM

hello, i'm new here. the forum is so interesting .but there are some jokes i don't understand.just like in this joke ,what's the meaning of "THERES TWO OF THE B*STARDS"?
3q Smile [:)]

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asdf_user

#65949 Fri, 07 Jan 05 01:35 AM

i dont know where these jokes came from but there are alot and they ARE funny

asdf_user

Joined on Thu, Jan 6 2005

Junior Member (74)

Jokes

Guest

#68167 Mon, 17 Jan 05 11:07 AM

Scottish Wife

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £30. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit woman."

Guest

#69999 Tue, 25 Jan 05 09:25 PM

I have been married to a Scot for 20 years so does that make me Scottish by injection?

Guest

#79601 Tue, 08 Mar 05 06:31 PM

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.

"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi. "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one has seen you around."

"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail ?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."

"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!", Luigi countered.

"Yeah, but dis beach was screamin' and akickin' and ayellin'

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eagle

#79920 Wed, 09 Mar 05 10:51 PM

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company.

"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.

"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?"

"Yeah, but…" stammered the farmer.

"A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.

"Yes," Replied the farmer.

Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.

"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too.

Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"

eagle

Joined on Mon, Jul 12 2004

Full Member (340)

Courage is not only to stand up and speak,but, to sit down and Listen aswell.*** Nice 2 BE Important but its more Important 2 Be ***

Guest

#101953 Sun, 22 May 05 07:10 PM

Whats the difference between hedgehogs and Englishmen?

With hedgehogs the pricks are on the outside...

Guest

Difference between

Anonymous

#185948 Thu, 19 Jan 06 07:43 PM

loool

Anonymous

#196159 Mon, 13 Feb 06 04:14 AM

In my Country, we are known for our jokes that you either get or you don't. Like comedians that tell a joke here, we just get it. But then they go to our neighboring Counrty and they have to explain the joke.

This is an example of such a joke (for the guy that needs an explination).

Two ***, means that during the joke you would probably be thinking that the whole Scot army was in the fog waiting for 50 guys, instead of just one Scot, but the joke is funny because instead of the whole army, there is two Scots, killing all those guys.

If you don't get it now, forget it, cause it isn't going to be funny any more.

Anonymous

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