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Latest post Thu, Dec 4 2008 7:03 PM by Anonymous. 0 replies.
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Anonymous  +  604839 Thu, 04 Dec 08 07:03 PM
This is my short children's story. I'm fairly happy with how it has turned out, but I know that it can be improved. I would greatly appreciate any sort of feedback on it. The guidelines that I was given for this piece are as follows;

  • Must appeal to the very young; for children between the ages of 2 - 8.
  • There was no given theme or genre.
  • Remember children's attention spans; the scenes in the story shouldn't last for three pages.
  • 500 - 1000 words*
  • Easy vocabulary
  • Though for children, the story should appeal to a fairly wide age range.
  • Humor is a plus, and have fun within your writing.

* - Currently, this piece is over 1000 words. (I have a problem with writing too much :] ) Therefore, any advice as to what part could be taken out/cut down on would be wonderful.

I could especially also use advice on...
My verb usage. I sometimes tend to fall into incorrect verb tense, and also make errors with my being verbs.
Any grammar errors. Punctuation and so on.
The story's plot, characters, scenes, etc... Does it flow well? Make you laugh? Are there any confusing areas? Phrases to re-word? Is the imagery vivid? Or too dull?
Sentence structure. Like I said before, I tend to write too much...So sometimes my sentences end up with three verbs, four adjectives and a whole lot of other things that just make it too wordy.

Any sort of advice or help would be magnificent. Even just feedback of whether or not you liked it-- I'll take it. I'm determined to make this the very best story it can be.

Thank you to every single person in advance! I appreciate your taking the time to read through all of this and help me out. :]

Thank you, again,
T.S.

                                                                                                                     ::..~*~..::

Eepa is very small. He is purple, soft, and fuzzy. He is a lamb and has a small pocket on the front of his belly. He is also a stuffed animal. But he is not just any stuffed animal. He can move, jump, and even talk. (Or at least squeak, anyways...) Eepa loves adventures.

Eepa lives with a family, a mom, a dad, two brothers and a sister. Eepa lives in a small red basket inside of the laundry room cabinet. (That's why he always smells like soap.) Everyday when Eepa wakes up, he yawns, stretches his back, and makes his bed. He nudges the cabinet door open with his head (which is very strong) and hops down onto the washer below with a THUD. He then falls into a laundry basket full of soft clothes with a PLOP, and leaps onto the floor with a "WHEE!" Eepa is very talented.

One wet and rainy day Saturday, Eepa's family sat at the kitchen table wondering what they should do.

The father stood up from his wooden chair and said, "Let's go for a drive, family!" The family agreed that this was a most wonderful idea.

Eepa said with a smile, "Squeak! Eepa meep bo sqee!" which means, "I want to come along!"

The father grabbed his old brown hat and threw it on his head. The mother found the purple polka dot umbrella and placed it in her purse. The two young boys yanked their green raincoats off the couch, and the sister gathered some snacks. Eepa ran to his red basket and got his superhero mask, just in case. He stuffed in it his front pocket.

Eepa was carried to the car and placed on the grey steering wheel. He tapped his hooves in happiness. He loved nothing more than going for rides. The father clicked his seatbelt, followed by the click, click, click, click of the mother, brothers, and sister. Eepa had a special seat in the car. The steering wheel had two small holes in it, and Eepa climbed and pushed himself into one of the holes. He fit snug and tight. He was safe, and now they were ready.

The car bumped and raced down the streets.

"Time for a big turn, Eepa! Hold on!" the father warned.

"EEp!" cried Eepa in glee. He glued his small paws to the sides of his steering wheel hole. This was his favorite part of going on rides.

The father turned the wheel over and over as he made the turn. Eepa spun and spun inside the steering wheel. The world looked blurry and he felt dizzy. "Ooouhhh," Eepa laughed.

"We're here, we're here!" yelled the children. All of the car doors opened and the family climbed out. The father helped Eepa out of the car. They were at the park.

"Eep eep!" said Eepa as he saw the playground. There were shiny red slides and bright blue swings, and even a brand new whirly-spin.

Eepa was amazed.

First, he ran to the slide and slid down three times in a row. He slid fast, the wind blowing in his fur. Then he galloped to the swings and swung so high he felt like he was in the clouds. And finally, he rode the whirly-spin. The children helped him jump onto the big wooden circle. He wrapped his paws and legs around one of the poles. "Eepoo!" he shouted. The children knew what that meant: "Go!" The children ran faster and faster, each of them holding onto a bar. He spun round and round and round.

"Eep ope lop," said Eepa as he stumbled around on the whirly-spin. He was very dizzy.

"Squak eep! Squak eep!" he proclaimed. He wanted to ride the whirly-spin again.

"Sorry, Eepa," said one of the brothers, "It's time to go. We're going to eat by the creek. Come along, now."

Eepa did not want to go. He was having fun. He jumped off of the whirly-spin and ran up the playground stairs back to the red slide.

"Eepa meep," he grumbled. He decided that he would hide so he could play longer.

After a few minutes, the brothers and sister and mother and father had gone down to the creek. Eepa was happy. He slid down the slide again and again and swung on the swing until his head spun. But soon, Eepa became very, very tired.

Eepa looked around. He did not see his family. He walked near a forest, and did not see them. He went past the tennis courts, but still did not see them. Eepa kept walking and walking, but he did not see them. Suddenly, Eepa looked around. He definitely didn't see his family. He didn't even see the park now. "Oh eep..." he shivered.

He was lost.

"Eep?" he called out to his family.

"Eep!"

He was very lost indeed.

Eepa looked at the sky. It was turning orange and red-- The sun was setting and soon it would be dark. Eepa knew what he had to do...He had to find his way home. He took his superhero mask out of his front pocket. It was time for an adventure. Eepa wondered which way he should go. He looked over his shoulder and saw city lights. Eepa lived in the city, so he started to run in that direction. He ran and he ran. He passed trees and people, buildings too, but nothing would stop Eepa until he was home.

Eepa panted for breath. He was so very tired. He stopped for a quick break and sat on a nearby stone.

Before long, a small brown dog came up to Eepa. At first, Eepa was afraid of the dog. "Eeep!" he cried.

"It's okay!" said the small dog. "I won't hurt you! You look lost and tired...what is your name?"

Eepa swallowed his fear. "Eepa," he squeaked.

The dog sat and smiled a toothy smile. "I am Ridget the dog," he said. "Are you lost, little Eepa?"

Eepa nodded with a, "mhmm".

"Don't worry," said the dog rising and wagging his tail. "I can help you!"

Eepa looked up at the small brown dog hopefully.

"Tell me, do you like going for rides, Eepa?"

Eepa smiled. He liked nothing better.

Ridget the dog's master was a truck driver, and he told Eepa that he would get him home safely. The truck driver scooped Eepa into his hands and placed him in the passenger seat of his truck. Eepa looked out the truck window. The truck had not just four wheels, not just six wheels, but eight huge, fat, black wheels. Eepa was amazed.

The truck driver, Ridget the dog, and Eepa all sang songs as they drove to Eepa's house. The truck driver showed Eepa all of the knobs, buttons and dials of the truck, and he even got to blow the horn. Eepa watched lights and cars and buildings zoom past his window. Ridget the dog told him stories and adventures that he and the truck driver had had while on the road. Eepa had the best ride of his life.

"Here we are, Eepa." said the truck driver. "Is this your home?"

Eepa looked out the window. It was most certainly was. "Eep, eep, eep!" he squeaked. He hugged the truck driver and Ridget the dog, and they promised that they would take him for another ride someday.

Eepa watched and waved as the truck rumbled away.

Eepa ran for the front door, but as he did, he noticed something. There was an extra car in the driveway. It was black and white and very shiny. It had globes on top of it that were red and blue, and on the side and it said some very strange word... "Poo lie cee?" Eepa tried to sound out the word on the car. He shook his head and ran to the front door. Eepa's family's front door had a very small hold in it, just big enough for him. He squeezed right on through.

"Eep!" he yelled. He didn't see his family in the living room, so he ran to the kitchen. In there, he saw the mother talking to a man with a weird shaped hat on and black shiny shoes. He was looking very seriously over a piece of paper as he spoke to the mother.

"Yes, officer," said the mother, "purple fur, about two inches tall as he is wide. And he looks like a lamb...Oh, and also, he squeaks like this; eep, eep eep! And you might find him wearing a superhero mask..."

"Eepa mo beep!" Eepa cried running towards the mother. He was so very happy to see her, and she was happy to see him.

"Oh! Eepa!" she said scooping him up. "Eepa is here, everyone!"

The family all ran into the kitchen to hug Eepa. The man with the black shiny shoes and weird hat wished them all a good night, and warned Eepa to stay close to his family.

"Eep eep la meep." said Eepa. This means, "Oh yes, I always will."

Eepa's family told him over and over again how worried and scared they were, and how much they loved them.

"I love you to the stars and back again." said the father.

"I love you more than anything!" said the mother.

"I love you more than going for rides in the car!" yelled one brother.

"And more than adventures!" added the other.

The little purple lamb's eyes widened…More than rides and adventures?

Eepa was amazed.

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