I found this forum by google-ing suicide.  To be frank, I was looking it up because I have pondered the thought of killing myself for years, it has become a nearly daily thought the last two years.  It annoys the living *** out of me that I can't bring myself to do it.  I know there is nothing to live for, that the rest of my life will be a day in and out slavery with no moments of joy in them.  I know that I am assigned to misery and there is no escape from it.  I truly have no will to live at all what so ever.  Most days I don't even eat because I have no will to feed myself and exist another day.  I lay in the bed every morning looking up at the ceiling and crying because I woke up.  It is my sincerest wish to die, yet I simply can't bring myself to go through the motions, the morbidity of it all.  It has me angry and constantly analysizing why I just don't do it.  To find this thing in me that is preventing me from what I want and destroy it so I'm free. 

I sincerely wish that suicide was legal.  That it was as simple as going to doctor who puts you under anastesia and after you are unconscious he injects you with whatever drugs can help you to cease existing.  As far as the ethics of why someone should or should not die.  What about the ethics of others minding their own business?  Sincerely, its no one choice to tell others they must live.  They don't have to experience the constant misery that the person who wants to committ suicide does.  Living in a society that both prevents us from acheiving a quality of life while also prevents us from ending our lives is quite sadistic.  Until society is actually able to alieviate the reasons why people want to die, then they have no business telling others they should not committ suicide. 

Why do I want to die?  Because I don't have the means to make anything I wish for come true.  I'm tied down with kids I didn't want, I'm busting my ass every day working, going to school, cleaning house, doing my homework, taking care of children who are literal vampires, draining whatever energy left I have from me.  There hasn't been one day in two years that I have slept more than 6 hours.  There hasn't been one day I have not woke up to the sound of crying or screaming.  I haven't taken a bath in a week.  As I write this my kid is screaming again and I'm crying.  My grades are suffering horribly and its only a matter of time before I lose my aid for my poor gpa.  I'm going to be a poor single mother the rest of my life with no joy in it at all.  Society could step in and help in some proactive way but no one gives a ***.  Not a single soul, millions live and die like me, nothing changes.   So who is to tell me the lie to hang in there?  Who is to tell me that there is reason to keep going?  There isn't.  Don't give me this *** to live for my kids, they are ungrateful, its the nature of all organisms to be self-centered hedonistic parasites.  Don't give me this *** that it will get better, it won't.  I'm only getting older and poorer. 

If suicide was legal and attainable by a medical doctor it would be a done deal long ago instead of sitting here still, wishing to all hell something would strike me down.  So keep wasting energy debating if suicide is ethical instead of debating how your refusal to help people in dire need is unethical.  In the mean while people like me will work on uprooting whatever it is that ties them to this miserable existence so we are finally free to kill ourselves as we wish.