A LETTER TO THE NORM IN ME
This is a letter to myself, the other me, the part I hate, the part I loath. The side that controls me, forces me to do things every time I feel negative. This letter is to make sure I'm still sain, to make sure I can still think clearly enough to call myself rational and partially normal.
Specialist would say I have Multiple Personalty Disorder, Severe Depression, and Anxiety/Panic Attacks. I say, "would" ,because I have never been categorized into these meaningless words. They, my doctors, would never diagnose me with these problems. I outsmart them by diagnosing myself simply through finding the so called symptoms for each of these conditions. After rapidly learning these medical imbalances I quickly hide them making sure to be what they would say just another troubled teen. But they've never seen me upset, in rage, they never seen me split and be someone different. I lean back in that big couch and tell them exactly what they want to hear. White coats thats what they are, all of them. If they found out who I really was they would throw me in my room, my own special room padded and secured. I cant mutilate my own walking corpse, cant hurt myself to put it in lay mans terms. No one to hear my pain, my screams of shear horror of being alone. I despise that thought, that very mention of that word, "alone". What they, my shrinks don't realize is I live in this prison everyday, every minute, every second, in my mind. You ask me why I seclude myself. I am trying, attempting to keep the other me, the bad me in this room. The one you see, the one that talk to you, thats the small bit of reason I have left, the one side of me that still wants to be here, to put it mildly its not me at all. I know what the doctors will say, but you will know differently when you finish reading this letter. They will say I am another success a job well done. But what I feel will remain, the nightmares will remain, I will remain even after the job the white coats do with me is so callingly done. Too bad only you and I and I will know that I'm still not ok. In fact quite the opposite, I'm Killing Myself.
Hello Again,
Alone I hate the thought but I live in it. I feel alone. I am Alone. Hauntingly alone. Terrifyingly ALONE. I am nothing, nothing but a shadow, a wraith of a person. I sit trembling with terror inside my own tomb, my mind. I am but a shell of what used to be a human being. Emotionless, without a soul, I put on an act to appear to be what to world would call, no what you refer to as normal. I live to experience life, but I'm so afraid of life, I want to die, and yet want to live. I am to die death itself, I live to experience dying. Compare me to someone on their death bed unable to die, yet unable to truly live. I am in that state of unreality. Horrific nightmares ensnare not my dreams but my own life, or what I suppose could be compared to a life. I would wake from them, I would not sleep again, but they exist still when my eyes are not shut, but obviously opened. They seclude me from reality creating an alternate world of my own. A world of self consuming terrors. I cant stop thinking that I'm caught, trapped in an all ensnaring pit. Darkness surrounding me. The People all just a blur. I hide this false world deep inside my conscience. I let it tear at me, let it rip me apart from the inside until there is nothing left. People would call this oblivion, the end, but I still push on unfailingly. I am terrified even now just writing to you about these demons that grip the human part of me. Just to allow you to know how I feel, inspires question after question. Will you leave me? Will you look at me differently? Will this even matter to you? Either way should it matter because by the time this letter is over the person you once knew will be dead and I will be all that remains. Don't worry about me I have lived this way for along time. I'm just killing the part of me I despise. I suppose I'm committing temporary suicide. Don't worry it's only partial I am still me, after all that all any of us can be is ourselves. But do you know the real me, do you know what I have done a thousand times over in my mind? In fact I'm not much different from you at all. I just handle everything a slight bit differently. Well I don't handle it at all actually, I let it lay dormant deep inside my phsyci, letting it fester and infect until it erupts in an euphoria of depression and self rage. But you will never know or even contemplate of my self sins will you. You wont understand, how could you without seeing them. I will never reveal myself to you. You can try to imagine and guess if you like, but even in your worst nightmares, the ones you wake up crying in a cold sweet, you will never be able to imagine the insanity which is my rotting soul. I wish you could see it, feel it, take my pain away, and yet I don't desire these horrendous atrocities upon you. I would never wish this upon anyone, not even my most hated enemy. I hate it. I cant imagine how you would react knowing the things I know, seeing the horrors I've seen. I huddle in my corner, my own corner. It's so dark, damp, and cold in this room, in my corner. All alone. Wait I'm Alone. He will come for me if I am alone. The Other, the bad one, I'm not him the horrible one, I just hate being alone, I don't want to be Alone. Who can protect me when I'm all alone? He's Coming For Me.
I'm alone....Alone.....ALONE! I HATE IT! I CANT BREATH! THIS IS KILLING ME, CHOKING ME..GRABBING ME BY THE THROAT OUT OF MY CORNER.... I MUST KILL HIM...I MUST KILL ME...I MUST KILL US!!! KILL IT! KILL THE ***! KILL ME! KILL US!!!
I am feeling much better now. I love you. Thanks for Reading My Letter.
Your Only True Friends Forever,
Altarex.....
P.S. I hope You Read It All and Comment