Student's resume for scholarship (help me to admend)

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Anonymous:
Hi English Guru,

I am a secondary school student wishing to apply for a company’s scholarship. Please help me to amend my resume below. This resume is crucial for my scholarship. Thanks for your help.

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Name: Stanley Poh

OBJECTIVE : DON KNOW WHAT TO WRITE…(please advise)

EDUCATION:

UPSR 2002 (SJK(C)FOON YEW 1, J.B)



Secondary education ( SMK TAMAN DAYA 2, JB )



Form 1, 2003 : second place of the whole form 1 students.(2/415)

Form 2, 2004 : first place of the whole form 2 students (1/326)

Form 3, 2005 : PMR-6A’s (highest mark in geography, kemahiran hidup 4 )

Form 4, 2006 : second place of the whole form 4 students. (2/234), (highest mark in physic , chemistry and biology subject )

HONORS AND ACTIVITIES:

2003: Council member of the school’s badminton association, scout’s group leader

2004: scout’s group leader, participate in the school’s English Poem Recitation, second runner up for the ( JPJ )road safety competition organized by Shell Malaysia.

First place in the science and mathematic inter school competition.

2005: scout’ group leader , vice chairman of the science and mathematic society , first place in the interschool literature quiz competition.

2006 : vice chairman of the scout’s troop ,

2007 : chairman of the scout’s troop, vice chairman of the science and mathematic society, council member of the interschool sports team, participate in first aid and basic fire fighting course organized by Malaysia Civil Defense force ,participate in the J.B Law Olympiad 2007, second place in the district drama competition ,second place in the district Biology competition ,

Fluent in spoken and written:
English, Mandarin, Bahasa Malaysia, Mandarin, Cantonese

Often things like this are listed in reverse chronological order -- that is, the most recent is first, and the oldest is last. When you get to 2007, you have so many things that a bulleted list might be better. Good luck with your scholarship application.



OBJECTIVE : DON KNOW WHAT TO WRITE…(please advise) Only you know what your objectives are. What do you want to study? Why do you want to study it? My 8 year old has an abiding passion for sharks and wants to go to college to study marine biology so she can go on to study sharks in their natural setting. What do YOU want to do?

EDUCATION:

UPSR 2002 (SJK(C)FOON YEW 1, J.B) I have no idea what this means.

Secondary education ( SMK TAMAN DAYA 2, JB )

Form 1, 2003 : second place of the whole form 1 students.(2/415) Perhaps for all of these you could simply say "Class ranking: 2 of 415"

Form 2, 2004 : first place of the whole form 2 students (1/326)

Form 3, 2005 : PMR-6A’s (highest mark in geography, kemahiran hidup 4 ) Do you not have a ranking here? Leaving it out makes it look like you went way down.

Form 4, 2006 : second place of the whole form 4 students. (2/234), (highest mark in physic , chemistry and biology subject ) Same as above, but say "Highest place in physics, chemistry, and biology." Don't use "subject."

HONORS AND ACTIVITIES: Use consistent capitalization. Start each one with a capital letter.

2003: Council member of the school’s badminton association, scout’s group leader I don't know how it's written in your country, but here it would be "Scout troop leader."

2004: scout’s group leader, participated in the school’s English Poem Recitation, second runner up for the (JPJ - what is this?) road safety competition organized by Shell Malaysia. Is this relevent to your academic achievements? Is the fact that Shell sponsored it important to this scholarship application.

First place in the science and mathematic inter-school competition.

2005: scout’ group leader , vice chairman of the science and mathematic society , first place in the inter-school literature quiz competition.

don't leave a space before a comma - leave one after it.

2006 : vice chairman of the scout’s troop , don't have a comma dangling out here unless there's another thing to list

2007 : chairman of the scout’s troop, vice chairman of the science and mathematic society, council member of the interschool sports team, participate in first aid and basic fire fighting course organized by Malaysia Civil Defense force ,participate in the J.B Law Olympiad 2007, second place in the district drama competition ,second place in the district Biology competition , don't have a comma dangling out here unless there's another thing to list

Fluent in spoken and written:
English, Mandarin, Bahasa Malaysia, Mandarin, Cantonese

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I'll add one more thing: There's no need to list Mandarin twice.
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Anonymous:
Hi Grammar Geek,

Thank you so so much for your amendments. I will certainly take your notes as an advice.

thanks again,
stanley poh
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