The effect of this sentence...?

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Thedynamix

#497345 Sun, 06 Apr 08 07:21 PM

Hi guys, I;m up to the conclusion of a very long report. Need this section to hit the mark, with intent!

The opening sentence should be something like:

The aim of the project was to develop a content management system that would allow the School of Electronic, Communication and Electrical Engineering to create and manage their conference websites.

The aim of the project was to develop a system for the school of Electronic, Communication and Electrical Engineering (ECEE) that would allow them to create and manage their conference websites without any coding experience. The chosen combination of ASP.NET and SQL allowed the majority of system requirements to be met, helping to steer the initial aim into a finished product.

How effective are these? Can any one reword it to greater effect? Thanks guys!

Thedynamix

Joined on Sun, Oct 28 2007

New Member (46)

Philip

#497378 Sun, 06 Apr 08 08:57 PM

Your first example is simple enough to be understood by everyone (including me, and that's saying something). The second loses me, but only because I have the foggiest idea of what you're talking about in the second part. I looks sound, however.

Philip

Joined on Thu, Jun 23 2005

USA Pacific Northwest (Seattle)

Veteran Member (5,599)

If one will scoff at the study of language, how, save in terms of language, will one scoff? - Mario Pei

RayH

#497380 Sun, 06 Apr 08 09:13 PM

Thedynamix
The aim of the project was to develop a system for the school of Electronic, Communication and Electrical Engineering (ECEE) that would allow them to create and manage their conference websites without any coding experience. The chosen combination of ASP.NET and SQL allowed the majority of system requirements to be met, helping to steer the initial aim into a finished product.

For hitting the mark this one is by far the best of the two.

RayH

Joined on Sat, Mar 22 2008

CA, USA

Regular Member (573)

Native speaker of U. S. English.Not a grammar expert.

Thedynamix

#497385 Sun, 06 Apr 08 09:37 PM

Yeah I prefer the second one too, tbh.

I made some changes to it, please tell me what you think:

I like it butnot sure if I should take out "helping to transform" with simply, "transforming".. What do you guys thing?

All comments really appreciated AND needed!

Thanks as ever

Thedynamix

lochel

#497405 Sun, 06 Apr 08 11:17 PM

Definitely change “helping to transform" to "transforming".

lochel

Joined on Sat, Apr 5 2008

New Member (40)

The purpose of religion is to protect the people, but people try to protect it.

Thedynamix

#497411 Sun, 06 Apr 08 11:54 PM

Thanks!

And another quickie...

"Delegates are able to register to particular conferences, and as per the specifications, the state of the registrations can be toggled"

Do I say "as per" her or just "per"?(red)

And did I use a comma in the right place there ? (blue)

Thedynamix

Commas

lochel

#497423 Mon, 07 Apr 08 01:11 AM

"Delegates are able to register to particular conferences, and per the specifications, the state of the registrations can be toggled"

"Delegates are able to register to particular conferences. As per the specifications, the state of the registrations can be toggled"

"Delegates are able to register to particular conferences.”

I see a red flag there, but I’m not sure what you’re implying.

"Delegates are able to register with specific conferences.”

"Delegates are able to register into specific conferences.”

"Delegates are able to register to specific conferences.”

lochel

Thedynamix

#497455 Mon, 07 Apr 08 03:38 AM

Thanks!! You were right about the other sentence, Itoally overlooked that.. Didn't really make sense.

Thedynamix

RayH

#497468 Mon, 07 Apr 08 04:25 AM

Thedynamix
Thanks!
And another quickie...

"Delegates are able to register to particular conferences, and as per the specifications, the state of the registrations can be toggled"
Do I say "as per" her or just "per"?(red)
And did I use a comma in the right place there ? (blue)

I've never liked the "as per" construction, even though it's correct and you will see it used often. I much prefer "in accordance with" in a case like this.
Also, "Delegates are able to register for particular conferences."

RayH

Constructions, Commas