I tried really hard on this one. Does this essay address the topic? REVISED

predicament. I also am very scared when starting a paragraph because my English teacher said to start a new one when you have a new thought but I can't gather enough courage to do so because I feel that all the thoughts are some way in realted. Anyways enough with my problems. Will you please read this essay and help guide me to perfect it.

This is the University of Wisconsin's essay topic. Please also tell me if this essay address the topic.

As vice president of my Catholic school’s multi-cultural student union, I have learned, first hand, the great things diversity can bring to a school and the many things that can be accomplished with determination, organization, and leadership.

     For the first two years I was involved in the multi-cultural student union, there was no clear initiative. We had one or two teachers monitoring our “progress” and not enough people attending monthly meetings. We were pretty much getting nowhere and everyone was fully aware of it. I was tired of wasting my time coming to the meetings and not getting anything accomplished. It was at that moment that I took a decisive move. I sat down with a fellow member; we elaborated on ways to develop the union, organized officer positions, and developed a set theme of which the union would forever be based on: incorporating our Catholic faith into our endeavors. This would be the only way we would gain any respect and recognition from the rest of the community. With a more organized platform and determined leaders, we had finally established a foundation in which we would soon expand.

            In only a year’s time, I helped bring many of the minority students together, planned day trips that gave us time to learn about each others different cultures, had the opportunity to hear people speak about the many obstacles they have faced just for being different, and have met with local universities that have given me tips on how to maintain our efforts for years to come. While I feel that I have helped set up a solid foundation for the union, I know there is still a lot to be done. My final project for the union is to work with my schools admissions office on ways to not only increase the percentage of minority students, but also come up with ways for the academic advisors help them to excel in the most challenging courses. I feel that this dream is obtainable considering all that I’ve achieved already.

            Through the multi-cultural student union, I have learned how to work and cooperate with people of different cultures, I have lost a lot of my previous stereotypes, and have learned a lot values that will carry me into my adult life. The biggest lesson I learned through the union though, is good leadership skills can carry you a long way. Before the union existed, we the minorities were just individuals representing our different nationalities, but when we came together with a common goal and with good leadership, we accomplished things that people never expected. I have never in such a way seen my leadership and organization skills exemplify in such a remarkable way. My accomplishments have given me the confidence to tackle anything that might seem challenging. I know that if given the opportunity to attend the University of Wisconsin, I can enhance a lot of students learning experience by introducing them to principles that I was fortunate enough to discover.

Hi Collegebound,

Welcome to the forums. Overall, you have a good essay. Stop worrying about your paragraphs. However, I 'm not sure what the topic was that Wisconsin asked for. Where did you put it?

As vice president of my Catholic school’s multi-cultural student union, I have learned, first hand, the great things diversity can bring to a school and the many things that can be accomplished with you can also use "through" here determination, organization, and leadership.

     For the first two years I was involved in the multi-cultural student union, there was no clear initiative. We had one or two teachers monitoring our “progress” and not enough people attending monthly meetings. We were pretty much getting nowhere and everyone was fully aware of it. I was tired of wasting my time coming to the meetings and not getting anything accomplished. It was at that moment you talk about "two years" but you say "at that moment." So you need to tell us more about what "that moment" was. that I took a decisive move. I sat down with a fellow member; we elaborated pick a different word here on ways to develop the union, organized officer positions, and developed a set theme on  which the union would forever be based on: incorporating our Catholic faith into our endeavors. This sentence gets quite long with your semi-colon before and then the colon. Both are used correctly, but you may want to think about how you could break this into two sentences. This would be the only way we would gain any respect and recognition from the rest of the community Which community? Your school?. With a more organized platform and determined leaders, we had finally established a foundation on which we would soon expand.

            In only a year’s time, I helped bring many of the minority students together, planned day trips that gave us time to learn about each others possessive - you need a ' different cultures, had the opportunity to hear people speak about the many obstacles they have faced just for being different, and have you changed tense here met with local universities that have given me tips on how to maintain our efforts for years to come. While I feel that I have helped set up a solid foundation for the union, I know there is still a lot to be done. My final project for the union is to work with my schools possessive - you need a ' admissions office on ways to not only increase the percentage of minority students, but also come up with ways for the academic advisors help them to excel in the most challenging courses. I feel that this dream is obtainable considering all that I’ve achieved already. You may want to use we here instead of I

            Through the multi-cultural student union, I have learned how to work and cooperate with people of different cultures, I have lost a lot of my previous stereotypes, and have learned perhaps developed a lot values that will carry me into my adult life You will carry the values; they won't carry you. The biggest lesson I learned through the union, though, is good leadership skills can carry you've just used "carry" so change one of them you a long way. Before the union existed, we the minorities were just individuals representing our different nationalities, but when we came together with a common goal and with good leadership, we accomplished things that people never expected. I have never in such a way seen my leadership and organization skills exemplify exemplify what? in such a remarkable way. This is starting to sound a little "braggy." I'd leave this last one out. My accomplishments have given me the confidence to tackle anything that might have seemed too challenging before this experience -- this is just a suggestion. I know that if given the opportunity to attend the University of Wisconsin, I can enhance a lot of students possesive again learning experience by introducing them to principles that I was fortunate enough to discover. I feel like you kind of fizzle out here. What about saying instead that if you attend UW, you will look for other opportunties to apply what you ahve learned to improve your college own experience and the experience of others, or something like that?

Good luck!