Two short essays for a job application

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Hi, I am a student in France and I want to apply for an American investment company.
Therefore I have to write two short essays.
The topics of the essays are not really important, but they should be written in correct English. If anyone would have the time to read the essays and send my a reply about possible errors I would be very glad.

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Here is the first essay:

I shall in the following briefly describe my accomplishments since my graduation from high school in 2001. First of all I want to point out that all the grades indicated in the text below are based on the French grading system.
After graduating from high school I was awarded a prize for my high school thesis in math from the Mathematical Department of the University of Limoges. Also, because of my accomplishments at High School (GPA of 18) I was allowed to participate at a test for high skilled students in Paris. Because of my test results I was awarded a scholarship from the French government for my upcoming studies at university. I voted for the option of a double major and decided to choose mathematics as one major and applied math with a minor in economics as a second one. In October 2001 I began my studies at the University of Limoges. After completing the intermediate exam at the University of Limoges in 2003 in both mathematics (“graduation with honors”, GPA of 18) and applied math combined with economics (GPA of 17) I was awarded a scholarship from the University of California at Berkeley. The University of Berkeley gave me the opportunity to spend one academic year at Berkeley.
During my first semester in Berkeley I was among the top 4% of students in the College of Letters and Science and thus was placed on the Letters and Science Dean’s Honors List. This achievement allowed me to participate in honors courses during my second semester in Berkeley.
Finally I want to mention all the memberships I currently hold. I was awarded memberships for the French Association of Physics, for the National Society of Collegiate Scholars (NSCS) and I was awarded a membership for efo, a French association for outstanding students. Furthermore, I am a lifelong member of the Alumni Organisation of the University of Berkeley.
To complete this section I would like to summarize my hobbies and interests beside academic ones. I enjoy sharing a big part of my spare time with my girlfriend and my family. In addition, I spend some part of my free time listening to music and I also practice some sports. Especially I practice running on a regular basis and occasionally I play tennis and table tennis.
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Here is the second one:

I learned of the banking seminar in Paris using the Career Search database of efo. I would like to apply to your seminar since I am very interested in participating at this event. From my research on your web site, I believe there would be a good fit between my skills and interests and your demands.

Currently I am working towards my master’s degree at the University of Limoges. I plan to complete my diploma in both mathematics and applied math with a minor in economics no later than at the beginning of 2006.

Through the study of mathematics I could develop strong analytical thinking and problem-solving skills. In addition, in the combined major applied math and economics I could learn about applications of mathematics but also I could gain additional knowledge in computer science and economics. In the latter one I specialized in political economics.
Moreover, during an academic year in Berkeley I completed recently, I found excellent conditions to pursue my studies but also to improve my knowledge of the English language. In addition, I have a very good knowledge of German.

I believe that the combination of analytic skills I could develop during my studies of mathematics and additional knowledge in computer science and economics is well-suited for a job in a branch like investment banking. Furthermore I have a strong private interest in stock markets and current economic issues and I am really interested in an investment banking position upon completion of my degree. Also, I have often heard about JPMorgan in the context of projects in investment management, and my aspiration is to work for a company that has your excellent reputation.

All in all to participate at the banking seminar you offer in Paris would be an opportunity I would really welcome. I very much appreciate your time and consideration of my request, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
...

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Thanks again for your help!!!
Greetings, sunny.
New Member02
sunnyberny,

Welcome to English Forums. You are obviously a very bright guy, so I won't comment on the content. You can decide yourself what you want to write about and how it is written. Rather I will simply focus on the grammar portion.




I shall in the following briefly describe my accomplishments since my graduation from high school in 2001. First of all I want to point out that all the grades indicated in the text below are based on the French grading system.

After graduating from high school I was awarded a prize for my high school thesis in math from the Mathematical Department of the University of Limoges. Also, because of my accomplishments at High School (GPA of 18) I was allowed to participate at a test for high skilled students in Paris. Because of my test results I was awarded a scholarship from the French government for my upcoming studies at university. I opted/chose for the option of a double major and decided to choose mathematics [deleted words] and applied math with a minor in economics. In October 2001 I began my studies at the University of Limoges. After completing the intermediate exam at the University of Limoges in 2003 in both mathematics (“graduation with honors”, GPA of 18) and applied math combined with economics (GPA of 17) I was awarded a scholarship from the University of California at Berkeley. The University of Berkeley gave me the opportunity to spend one academic year at Berkeley.

During my first semester in Berkeley I was among the top 4% of students in the College of Letters and Science and thus was placed on the Letters and Science Dean’s Honors List. This achievement allowed me to participate in honors courses during my second semester in Berkeley.

Finally I want to mention all the memberships I currently hold. I was awarded memberships for the French Association of Physics, for the National Society of Collegiate Scholars (NSCS) and I was awarded a membership for efo, a French association for outstanding students. Furthermore, I am a lifelong member of the Alumni Organisation of the University of Berkeley.

To complete this section I would like to summarize my hobbies and interests beside academic ones. I enjoy sharing a big part of my spare time with my girlfriend and my family. In addition, I spend some part of my free time listening to music and I also practice some sports. I run [changes made] on a regular basis and occasionally I play tennis and table tennis.



I learned of the banking seminar in Paris using the Career Search database of efo. I would like to apply to your seminar since I am very interested in participating at this event. [Last sentence doesn't say much.] From my research on your web site, I believe there would be a good fit between my skills and interests and your demands.

Currently I am working towards my Master’s Degree at the University of Limoges. I plan to complete my diploma Degree? in both mathematics and applied math with a minor in economics no later than at the beginning of 2006.

Through the study of mathematics I could [or have?] develop strong analytical thinking and problem-solving skills. In addition, with? the combined major applied math and economics I could [or have?] learn about applications of mathematics and I could [or have?] gain additional knowledge in computer science and economics. In the latter one I specialized in political economics.don't understand last sentence.

During my recently completed academic year at Berkeley, I found the conditions excellent to not only pursue my studies but also to improve my knowledge of the English language. In addition, I have a very good knowledge of German. why not just say you are fluent in German?

I believe that the combination of analytic skills I could develop during my studies of mathematics and additional knowledge in computer science and economics is well-suited for a job in a branch like investment banking. Furthermore I have a strong private interest in stock markets and current economic issues and I am really interested in an investment banking position upon completion of my degree. Also, I have often heard about JPMorgan in the context of projects in investment management, and my aspiration is to work for a company that has your excellent reputation.

All in all to participate at the banking seminar you offer in Paris would be an opportunity I would really welcome. I very much appreciate your time and consideration of my request, and I look forward to hearing from you.



As you stated in your opening remarks, you don't care about the subject matter, so I won't comment there. As far as English is concerned, you appear to have a strong grasp of English. I don't see any strong faults. I might change the "could" to "have" with the consequent changes that follow.

For what it is worth, blood letting continues on Wall Street and there is still excess capacity. The markets are weak and are likely to remain so for a while yet. The recent Google IPO has rocked Wall Street in that the traditional ways of making money have been shattered. Fees are coming down. In essence, the climate is tough and the competition for positions will be even tougher. That said, you have several advantages in that you have several languages, you have international experience, and you are obviously bright.

Good luck.

MountainHiker
Senior Member2,528
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This seems to be a great forum.
Thank you for your answer MountainHiker, it really helped me a lot.

Thanks.
sunnyberny
sunnyberny,

If you are still here, I have a slight revision.

During my recently completed academic year at Berkeley, I found the conditions excellent not only to pursue my studies but also to improve my knowledge of the English language.

I want to keep the symmetry.

"...not only to..., but also to..."

Sorry I didn't catch that the first time.

MountainHiker
Trusted Users: Trusted users are allowed to use additional capabilities of the site such as private messaging to all users and various other advanced features. You cannot join this role unless you are promoted by an administrator.
Anonymous:
Pls I am supposed to write an essay on challenges in my country and how to go about solving them, , what technical skills I have and what I want to acquire to solve the challenges.i have no idea how to start
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