anita_a  +  72898 Tue, 08 Feb 05 06:01 PM When I awoke I found you there... Where I had left you- Unfinished-unsung-unamed On the fluttering leaf With the weight of the inkpot And a feather in it Bearing down on you.... I walked-stopped-stood still Some moments it took To realize it was Only my thoughts here My body was still From ages ago Under the stone over there... Now you are left behind With no style-no verse-no ending well, how's that now? Thanks Mr.P, I appreciate your encouragement and the wonderful critique in you. anita_a Joined on Tue, Jul 27 2004 Sunny California Regular Member 822 Cheers,Anita

	MrPedantic  +  72935 Tue, 08 Feb 05 11:29 PM I think that's good! I myself would have kept the first 2 lines. I would politely disagree with HePo, and say that the initial confusion about the 'addressee' works in the poem's favour. Moreover, there's an interesting aspect to 'mumbling': the speaker is 'mumbling about' the poem, but also perhaps 'mumbling' the poem itself. It gives a sense that the poem we have just read is the poem under the inkpot. A possible alternative: 'Some moments it took To realize It was only a thought – My body was still etc' But that's only an IMHO. See you MrP MrPedantic Joined on Tue, Oct 12 2004 Veteran Member 12,592 ...opella forensis / adducit febris...

	anita_a  +  73139 Wed, 09 Feb 05 08:31 PM I was mumbling about you In my sleep When I awoke I found you there Where I had left you- Unfinished-unsung-unnamed On the fluttering leaf With the weight of the inkpot And a feather in it Bearing down on you.... I walked-stopped-stood still Some moments it took To realize it was only a thought My body was still From ages ago Under the stone over there... Now you are left behind With no style-no verse-no ending Well I believe that that settles it. Though Frankly, this is the first time , I have drafted my poem.... I always keep the first one that comes spontaneously... Thanks Mr.P for your emmense help. Thanks Hepo. anita_a