[URGENT] GREAT BRITAIN: job application in London - cover letter

Hi,

please read through my cover letter. It would really really help me a lot  :-).

I need help:

1) with possible grammar errors etc.

2) if you think the structure of the cover letter as a whole (or partly) is crap, please tell me!!

 It has to be very very good and flawless!!

A LOT DEPENDS ON IT !!!

Thank you very much in advance!

Greets

J_C

========================================================

Johnny Cash

c/o ZZZZ MMMMMMM, Brandtstrasse 4a, App. 32

88888 Berlin, Germany

Phone: +49 (0)-- --------

Mobile: +49 (0)--- --------

JohnnyCash46463@gmail.com

28 February 2007

Johnny’s Bank & Co.

Human Resources Department

Dear Sir or Madam:

This letter is to express my interest in the ZZZZ/YYYY position within your GGGG/HHHH Team listed on http://www.YYYYYYYY.co.uk (Recruiter Ref: YYYYYY). I earned an economics master’s degree in September 2006 graduating within the top 10 of my class from the YYYYYYYY University Berlin which last year won the title 'Elite University' in a German-wide excellence initiative and whose department of economics is ranked 5^th in Europe and 2^nd in Germany.

The ad said you seek someone who is passionate about the fixed income market and is able to work independently to produce accurate, detailed materials while meeting tight deadlines. Analyzing the events that influence the world economy as well as the fixed income market is my passion. Due to my stock market activities, mainly on the French small- and mid-cap market and by using primarily fundamental analysis combining it with technical analysis, I was able to finance my entire studies. In 2005 as well as in 2006 I generated an after-tax return of about 60% per year.

During my studies I gained placement experience in several well-known companies where I often did accurate and self-reliant research and analysis work and prepared exact decision memos. My academic focus on empirical economic research and on transition economics helped me a lot in developing strong analytical and quantitative skills by using the right tools.

My work experience and extracurricular activities as a member of the stock market group of the University of Berlin are the best proof that I am quick to learn, a strong team player, and also able to work effectively alone. I am eager to learn more about the position at Johnny’s Bank & Co., and I look forward to meeting with you. My curriculum vitae is enclosed.

Thank you for taking the time to review my application.

Yours sincerely,

Johnny Cash

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corrections in bold and other areas you need to look at are highlighted for you. Watch out for the length of your sentences. You tend to run on and try to connect too many ideas and are not using enough commas.

Dear Sir or Madam (US uses colon, UK uses comma or nothing after salutation)

This letter is to express my interest in the ZZZZ/YYYY position within your GGGG/HHHH Team listed on http://www.YYYYYYYY.co.uk (Recruiter Ref: YYYYYY). I earned an Economics Master’s degree in September 2006 from the the YYYYYYYY University, Berlin. I graduated within the top 10 of my class and last year this university won the title 'Elite University' in a German-wide excellence initiative. The department of economics is ranked 5^th in Europe and 2^nd in Germany.

The advertisement said you seek someone who is passionate about the fixed income market and is able to work independently to produce accurate, detailed materials while meeting tight deadlines. Analyzing the events that influence the world economy as well as the fixed income market is my passion. Due to my stock market activities, mainly on the French small and mid-cap market primarily using  fundamental analysis combined with technical analysis, I was able to finance my entire studies. In 2005, as well as in 2006, I generated an after-tax return of about 60% per year.

During my studies I gained placement experience in several well-known companies, where I often did accurate and self-reliant research and analysis work and prepared exact decision memos (?). My academic focus on empirical economic research and on transition economics helped me a lot in developing strong analytical and quantitative skills by using the right tools.

My work experience and extracurricular activities as a member of the stock market group of the University of Berlin are the best proof that I am quick to learn, a strong team player, and also able to work effectively alone. I am eager to learn more about the position at Johnny’s Bank & Co., and I look forward to meeting with you. My curriculum vitae is enclosed.

Thank you for taking the time to review my application.

Yours sincerely,

Johnny Cash