Would you please revise my letter?

   Share on Facebook  
Wong  #198516  Sun, 19 Feb 06 07:57 AM

Dear all,

         I am a desperate mother.  Please help on my letter!  This letter is for my daughter's admission to primary school.

         Thank you very much!!!

Connie

Dear The headmistress Miss Chu,

         We would like to apply for our daughter's admission to your school in 2006.

         It gives me great honor to write to you.  My daughter, Cathy, and I visited to your schooling opening day last year on September and this year on January.  We were impressed by the virtues your students presented and the academic excellence they maintained.  I agree with your adoption for the croiss-curriculum methodology to broaden pupils' horizon and the mission to empower pupils with teachers of very high caliber.  Such nourishing enviroment has confirmed our decision to apply to your school.

         Cathy is an adorable girl.  She enjoys all activities inside and outiside kindergarten including common academic lessons, ballet dancing, piano lessons, school trips and many other activities.  More encouragingly, I discover that Cathy has an interest in reading book story.  This trait is exceptionally suited to your school's emphasis on literature reading. Therefore, giving the opportunity to unleash her potentials, Cathy can garner glories for your school in years to come.

         We also recognize that your school is one of the few pioneers in establishing parents' association, in which teachers coordinate seasonable activities to forster a harmonious relationship between the school board and parents.  Their commitment and consideration again makes us feel that we can count on your school to nurture a wholesome development of our children.

         We now more convinced than ever that ABC School is our ultimate choice.  In the meantime, I am enclosing Cathy's achievement portfolio, which explains further why her qualities would make a good addition to your school.  Thank you for letting us know that primary school life can be that fruitful and enjoyable, and we look forward to your positive reply.

Yours faithfully,

Mr. & Mrs. Connie Wong

                                                            

  
Not Ranked
Joined on Thu, Feb 16 2006
Hong Kong
New Member (01)
nona the brit  #199309  Tue, 21 Feb 06 11:45 AM

'...is an adorable girl. She enjoys all activities inside and outside kindergarten INCLUDING common academic lessons, ballet dancing, violin lessons, SCHOOL TRIPS, and many other activities.' - advice given to Vincent last year on this forum.

Hmm, how odd, she is absolutely identical to vincent's daughter. You must be churning your 5 year olds out from a factory? Don't pinch bits from other people's letters. You shouldn't plagiarise and anyway, your daughter must have her own interests and achievements for you to talk about instead of copying another childs?

The rest of your letter is ok.

  
Top 10 Contributor
Joined on Wed, Sep 22 2004
England
Veteran Member (11,450)
ModeratorProficient Speaker
The name says it all.
AddThis Feed Button RSS Feed: ESL, Formal, General & Business Letter Writing (English language)
© 2008 MediaCET Ltd.
Terms and Conditions & Terms of Service