Re: Kindly help to make it sound personal

optilang — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 19:49:18 GMT

Dear XYZ,
               At Marathon, we always believe in providing our clients ~~customers~~ with something that gives them pleasure and exceeds their expectations. We would like to share with our ~~patrons~~ (most) valued customers the news of an excellent investment opportunity, which, we are sure, will yield great returns.

              We are offering two commercial properties for immediate possession – Marathon Vastu and Marathon Corner - in the upcoming suburb of Airoli, just a stone's throw away from the station. Investment in these properties will make your coffers overflow with profit. This is an immense opportunity with ~~possible~~ (the/a very real) potential for rapid returns as the space can be leased to entrepreneurial businesses, gymnasiums, hospitals, banks and clinics.
             To grab the lion's share, call us now, because opportunities as good as this are gone in the blink of an eye. (within a blink of an eye this opportunity might vanish.) Regards,

Kindly help to make it sound personal

Creativeguru — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 04:56:20 GMT

Dear XYZ,
               At Marathon, we always believe in providing our customers with something that gives them pleasure and exceeds their expectations. We would like to share with our patrons the news of an excellent investment opportunity, which will yield great returns.

              We are offering two commercial properties for immediate possession – Marathon Vastu and Marathon Corner - in the upcoming suburb of Airoli, just a stone's throw away from the station. Investment in these properties will make your coffers overflow with profit. This is an immense opportunity with possible rapid returns as the space can be leased to entrepreneurial businesses, gymnasiums, hospitals, banks and clinics.
             To grab the lion's share, call us now, because within a blink of an eye this opportunity might vanish. Regards,

The above is sales letter I have following queries for the same

1. I am addressing Dear..., It's personal, in the first para we are using ...our patrons here it sounds very general what is the alternative to make it sound personal

2. In second para... with posible rapid returns is not giving the punch I mean it is sounding as if there is a risk of failure and neither i want to sound that it's a guaranteed success...I though it to replace with .....the immediate results, is it approporiate?

ESL General English Grammar Questions

Re: Kindly help to make it sound personal

Kindly help to make it sound personal