ESL, Formal, General & Business Letter Writing (English language)

Re: Please help - application letter for secondary school

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 20:48:55 GMT

Hi there

Just a few errors I spotted in your post:

Moreover, being a Ying Wa Girls Schoolâs alumni, I love my old school so much. I really appreciate the culture of Ying Wa which does not only emphasis on academic performance but also whole person development. The learning atmosphere in the school also impressed me very much.

I would change to:

I, myself studied at Ying Wa Girls Schoolâs alumni and I loved my old school very much. It made me really appreciate the culture of Ying Wa, which not only emphasised on academic performance but also on whole person development. The learning atmosphere in the school also impressed me very much.

you wrote:

We are proud of my son who is appreciated by all of his teachers. He grows up in a liberal family which emphasize on positive and moral education. He is a joyful, aggressive and loving boy. His joyful heart and friendly attitudes have influenced all that acquainted with him. With the Grace of God, Enochâs talents and abilities will be fully developed through your school life.

change to:

We are proud of our son who is appreciated by all of his teachers. He has grown up in a liberal family which emphasizes on positive and moral education. He is a joyful, aggressive and loving boy. His joyful heart and friendly attitudes have influenced all that acquainted with him. With the Grace of God, Enochâs talents and abilities will be fully developed through your school life.

aggressive? are you sure you meant to put this as a description of your son? this is not a good description it means angry and forceful. did you mean to say affectionate?

you wrote

In addition, Enoch has good examination results and has got a overall academic ranking of Grade A in his primary school. He is creative and has actively participated in school activities especially in playing badminton. He demonstrated to be an independent and diligent learner with high self-confidence, good communication skill and easy-going character.

change to:

In addition, Enoch has good examination results and has got an overall academic ranking of Grade A in his primary school. He is creative and has actively participated in school activities, especially ,in playing badminton. He demonstrated to be an independent and diligent learner with high self-confidence, good communication skill with an easy-going character.

good luck

hope that helps a bit

Kaz

Re: Please help - application letter for secondary school

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 16:12:12 GMT

Hi MountainHiker,

Here is another application for our son. Can you help also?

My address
Date
Mr. Lee (The Headmaster)
School name and School address

Dear Mr. Lee,

Re : Application for Form One Place (2009-2010)

Applicant â CHEUNG Nok Hang Enoch (ID No. Y657970(A))

We would like to apply for admission for my son to your school in 2009.
My sonâs name is Enoch Cheung and he is studying in primary 6 at ABC Primary school.
We have great respect for the school's reputation, and we think highly of the school's facilities. Thus, we have encouraged Enoch to study here to equip himself for his future challenge.

With Godâs giving, we have tried our best to raise up Enoch and believe that good education is very essential for his long term development.

In addition, Enoch has good examination results and has got a overall academic ranking of Grade A in his primary school. He is creative and has actively participated in school activities especially in playing badminton. He demonstrated to be an independent and diligent learner with high self-confidence, good communication skill and easy-going character.

We highly recommend Enoch to be a student of your school, and would be very grateful if you can favorably consider his application.

Yours sincerely

Mr. and Mrs. Cheung

Re: Please help - application letter for secondary school

anon1 — Fri, 31 Dec 2004 03:39:34 GMT

Jessmac,

In addition to academic achievement, we have provided opportunities for XX to better develop her other abilities and talents. She has participated in various extra-curricular activities including arts classes, musical events and [an] English drama club. Her talents are well recognized [as evidenced] by the awards she obtained. [You could also write this more active. "She enjoys her activities and frequently wins awards as recognition of her talents."] She was the first runner up of the âHong Kong Tourâ Drawing Competition and the Champion of [three] other colouring competitions. Many other awards have been won as well.

Please note the bold portion.

MountainHiker

Re: Please help - application letter for secondary school

anon1 — Thu, 30 Dec 2004 22:17:01 GMT

Jessmac,

I am glad you are happy with your letter.

I am from western Canada. I know English and a little Spanish and definitely no Chinese languages. My tiny bean would have too much difficulty with learning something that appears so complex. So I have great admiration for those who can learn both languages. I think there are a few regulars from Hong Kong that frequent our forum. One such member is Julielai, and she's a strong writer as well.

It is hard to become completely fluent in a different language, especially if you learned a second language as an adult. Looking at your writing, however, I think you've done remarkably well.

Yes, please do let us know how you and your daughter do in June. It is very gratifying to know that we have helped make a meaningful difference to someone else's life.

I look forward to hearing from you again soon.

MountainHiker

Re: Please help - application letter for secondary school

jessmac — Thu, 30 Dec 2004 22:08:03 GMT

MountainHiker,

Thank you very much for your great help. I really learn a lot from you. You are very helpful and generous.

Would you mind telling me where you are from? I'm from Hong Kong, I learn English as my second language. After I reached a certain standard, I find it hard to improve. Or it takes much more effort to improve a bit, haha.

Thanks again for your help. I will tell you the application result of my daughter later, probably in June 2005.

Re: Please help - application letter for secondary school

anon1 — Thu, 30 Dec 2004 20:02:56 GMT

Jessmac,

bold (remove spaces)
underline (remove spaces)
italics (remove spaces)
quoted stuff (remove spaces)

Since 1999, XXX has been studying at XXX Primary School. It has well equipped her with strong academic background, and developed her moral values and artistic qualities. She attained good grades in [different] subjects including Chinese, English and Putonghua, and was nominated as âOutstanding Student of the Yearâ from P4-P6.

I would rewrite it slightly differently. Now we are getting into style and personal preferences. So use with caution.

XX has been study at XXXX Primary School since 1999. Through her studies she gained a strong academic background as well as developed her moral values and artistic qualities. Moreover, she earned high marks in all/most/different subjects including Chinese, English and Putonghua, and she was nominated as âOutstanding Student of the Yearâ from P4-P6.

If I recall correctly.....

1) She earned high marks, and she was a good student. Okay form.

2) She earned high marks, and was a good student. Poor form. After the "and" is not a complete sentence.

I prefer my version because it is more straightforward and active throughout. There are not "It has...". Rather, we have her as the action figure throughout.

In addition to academic achievement, we have provided opportunities for XX to better develop her other abilities and talents. She has participated in various extra-curricular activities including arts classes, musical events and English drama club. Her talents are well recognized [as evidenced] by the awards she obtained. [You could also write this more active. "She enjoys her activities and frequently wins awards as recognition of her talents."] She was the first runner up of the âHong Kong Tourâ Drawing Competition and the Champion of [three] other colouring competitions. Many other awards have been won as well.

Good. We usually write in English small numbers. There are rules somewhere I am sure, though I don't know them.

I think you are okay with "arts". If it was just one class she took of "art" where they did many things, I think it would be "art". But if she takes different classes in the "arts", then I would use "arts".

Yes, I like the extra curricular paragraph better. I like specificity where you can see, touch, feel, smell, or hear something. I like to provide the reader with something tangible rather than just ether.

I hope this helps.

MountainHiker

Re: Please help - application letter for secondary school

jessmac — Thu, 30 Dec 2004 19:08:49 GMT

First, I would like to thank MountainHiker for your great help and Mr H Cheung for providing the skeleton of the letter.

Here is the modified one: (with the changes in [ ] ) [How can i use bold or italic or different colours here?? I m too stupid about this]

Since 1999, XXX has been studying at XXX Primary School. It has well equipped her with strong academic background, and developed her moral values and artistic qualities. She attained good grades in [different] subjects including Chinese, English and Putonghua, and was nominated as âOutstanding Student of the Yearâ from P4-P6.

In addition to academic achievement, we have provided opportunities for XX to better develop her other abilities and talents. She has participated in various extra-curricular activities including arts classes, [musical] events and English drama club. [Her talents are well recognized by the awards she obtained. She was the first runner up of the âHong Kong Tourâ Drawing Competition and the Champion of 3 other colouring competitions. Many other awards have been won as well. ]

---------------------------------------

1. After checking through the dictionary, I am still not sure about the difference between "art" and "arts". If my meaning here is "drawing, coloring", then which one I should use? And can u tell me their difference?

2. For the para about extra curricular activities, is it better now?

Thank very much for your patience and generous help.

Re: Please help - application letter for secondary school

anon1 — Thu, 30 Dec 2004 18:07:39 GMT

Jessmac,

Be sure to thank Howard Cheung for providing some initial thoughts.

The one paragraph that concerns me slightly is the following:

In addition to academic achievement, we have provided opportunities for XX to better develop her other abilities and talents. She has participated in various extra-curricular activities including arts classes, music events and English drama club. Her talents are well recognized by the awards she obtained in various arts competitions and music events.

Is is "art" or "arts" competitions? I would probably use "musical" rather than "music". Search through your paragraph for music and test whether it should be the noun "music" or the adjective "musical". Having said that, I checked "music events" (with quotes) versus "musical events" (with quotes) in Google, and "music events" is far more popular. My instincts tell me to use "musical events" but popular useage seems to support "music events". So go with whichever you think is correct.

I have inherent dislike for "various". If i were marking this letter as a teacher, I would reduce your grade by various marks for various reasons and I would highlight various errors, though not all. You can see that "various" begins to tell you nothing. Instead, I would highlight a couple or few major awards and then mention that many other awards have been won as well.

MountainHiker

Re: Please help - application letter for secondary school

jessmac — Thu, 30 Dec 2004 17:11:06 GMT

Here is the draft of the application letter. Would you please give me some comments and make corrections? Thanks so much for your kind help.

I am a parent who is seeking an open and lively learning environment for my daughter in order for her to achieve a balanced development in academic, moral, physical and artistic qualities, as well as to nurture the values of love, goodness and truth. After researching secondary schools in this region, I am greatly impressed by your school's educational philosophy, dedicated teaching staff, overall facilities and excellent track record. Therefore, I would like to apply on behalf of my daughter, XXX, for admission into Form 1 of your school.

Since 1999, XXX has been studying at XXXX primary school. It has well equipped her with strong academic background, and developed her moral values and artistic qualities. She attained good grades in Chinese, English and Putonghua, and was nominated as âOutstanding Student of the Yearâ from P4-P6.

In addition to academic achievement, we have provided opportunities for XX to better develop her other abilities and talents. She has participated in various extra-curricular activities including arts classes, music events and English drama club. Her talents are well recognized by the awards she obtained in various arts competitions and music events.

Furthermore, XX is dedicated to serve others. She has been the school bus prefect, librarian, representative of the School Cleaning Campaign and member of The Boysâ Brigade, Hong Kong. These activities have helped her build up her confidence, responsibility and interpersonal skills.

We sincerely hope that XXX can be admitted to your school, where she will receive appropriate guidance and continue to develop and express her unique individuality.

Enclosed are the application form and the required documents. I look forward to your favourable reply.

Re: Please help - application letter for secondary school

nona the brit — Thu, 30 Dec 2004 11:54:33 GMT

That would depend upon the school's policy. Ask them to explain the admission process to you.

Re: Please help - application letter for secondary school

jessmac — Thu, 30 Dec 2004 10:05:06 GMT

thanks a lot.

Then is it better to wirte the application letter herself or I write it as a parent?

Re: Please help - application letter for secondary school

anon1 — Wed, 29 Dec 2004 20:05:51 GMT

Hi,

Unless your daughter writes the letter herself, you should write as a parent. It's more honest.

MountainHiker

Please help - application letter for secondary school

Guest — Wed, 29 Dec 2004 11:51:26 GMT

I m a parent whose daughter is applying for admission of secondary school(Form 1). I would like to write an application letter. Should I write as a parent or as if she were writing the letter
??

thx