Formal, General & Business Letter Writing

Re: Please help me with the text (part 1)

shurman81 — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 18:49:22 GMT

Thank you very very much. Your help was very valuable for us. I believe that this offer just can't be refused. I'm so glad to have found this website and I will recommend it to my friends . Thank you.

Re: Please help me with the text (part 1)

Mr Wordy — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 00:56:57 GMT

I think it can be explained by the following sentence: "Comission is X% of extra price but not less than Y% of initial price". Of cause X is rather greater than Y. For Instance X might be about 50% and Y about 5%. So we earn in any case, and the might as lose from Y% of initial price as profit to X% of extra price. If to use the example above ($1000 initial price) then in the worst case (when there's no extra price) they lose $50 (get $950) and in the best case ($100 extra price) they profit $50 (get $1050) and we earn $50 in the both case. I hope it makes sence. In that case, I'm not sure the current wording is strictly accurate. As far as I can see, if the space sells for just a little above their usual price...

Re: Please help me with the text (part 1)

shurman81 — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 21:05:41 GMT

I see what you mean. Without understanding the precise details of how the charging works, I'm not sure how best to word it. I was imagining that you plan to charge commission even if the advertising space sells for the original asking price, but from your explanation I can't quite see how you avoid earning less if the space sells for slightly above the asking price. This seems illogical, so I don't think my understanding can be quite right. I think it can be explained by the following sentence: "Comission is X% of extra price but not less than Y% of initial price". Of cause X is rather greater than Y. For Instance X might be about 50% and Y about 5%. So we earn in any case, and the might as lose from Y% of...

Re: Please help me with the text (part 1)

Mr Wordy — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 02:21:41 GMT

As I understand 'commission' implies expenses while the case when we pay implies benefit . So I think it's wrong to make these two cases equal. I agree that the way I said it was too confused. But it's a good point of our offer and I wouldn't like to exclude it. But unfortunately I don't have any idea about how to tell about it, even in Russian. I see what you mean. Without understanding the precise details of how the charging works, I'm not sure how best to word it. I was imagining that you plan to charge commission even if the advertising space sells for the original asking price, but from your explanation I can't quite see how you avoid earning less if the space sells for slightly above the...

Re: Please help me with the text (part 1)

shurman81 — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 20:24:03 GMT

I agree practically on all your points. Hmmm. The possibility that you might be able to get them more than their "list price" seems worth making a point of (some sort of bidding mechanism?), but you've already spoken about "commission" (well, that's the word I suggested), so I wonder if you need to explain this charging mechanism separately. Could this reasonably count as "commission"? As I understand 'commission' implies expenses while the case when we pay implies benefit . So I think it's wrong to make these two cases equal. I agree that the way I said it was too confused. But it's a good point of our offer and I wouldn't like to exclude it. But unfortunately I don't...

Re: Please help me with the text (part 1)

Mr Wordy — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 03:26:52 GMT

A couple of additions to my last post: And what's about "You don't need to perform regular data synchronization"? Yes, this is much better. I'm not sure what alternative to suggest because I don't fully understand what you mean by "consolidate". Sorry, I think what you probably mean is something like: "In phase one, we expect the exchange t o co nsolidate information from the leaders of the advertising industry and cover about 50% of all ad face offers."

Re: Please help me with the text (part 1)

Mr Wordy — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 03:03:43 GMT

The 'EXCHANGE' term has been written in capital letters just to let you recognize it amoung the text and not to mix it up with the common 'exchange' word. I personally find it distracting and somewhat irritating, but it is, of course, entirely up to you. Perhaps a compromise would be just to capitalise the first letter: "Exchange". Maybe it's not a good term for this case. By 'actual' I mean 'up-to-date' here. In other words the 'latest' information. So if you can see that an ad face is marked as 'available now' then it is a fact that it is available now. You don't have to obtain more exact information about the ad face, you can order it right now. If an ad...

Re: Please help me with the text (part 1)

shurman81 — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 19:46:36 GMT

Thank you again. General point: don't use CAPITAL LETTERS for emphasis; it's bad style and seems as if you're shouting at them. You can use italics or bold for emphasis, if required. I'm not sure whether all the text you've capitalised actually needs emphasising though. For example, I would not put "exchange" in bold every time you mention it -- it would get very tiresome. (My bold below shows things that I changed, not things I think should be emphasised, but I'm sure that's obvious!) Actually, I agree with you. But sometimes we use capital letters to emphasize thoughts. I do trust you at this point, so I will change the emphasis method, because I would like to highlight some important (as...

Re: Please help me with the text (part 1)

Mr Wordy — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 20:42:24 GMT

"exchange" is a general word for a place (physical or online) that matches buyers and sellers and facilitates transactions between them, so it seems appropriate here. General point : don't use CAPITAL LETTERS for emphasis; it's bad style and seems as if you're shouting at them. You can use italics or bold for emphasis, if required. I'm not sure whether all the text you've capitalised actually needs emphasising though. For example, I would not put "exchange" in bold every time you mention it -- it would get very tiresome. (My bold below shows things that I changed, not things I think should be emphasised, but I'm sure that's obvious!) Some suggestions on the text: ...

Re: Please help me with the text (part 1)

shurman81 — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 10:27:50 GMT

Thank you, I will take into account your remarks in the final version of the letter. And now I would like to present the essece of the offers. I wonder if the 'EXCHANGE' is a correct term. By 'EXCHANGE' I mean the palce where a lot of companies offer their advertisement spaces and advertisers can select the appropriate ones. The following options at your service: Option 1. Connecting up to ALL-RUSSIAN ONLINE AD FACE EXCHANGE. Only ACTUAL DATA on current and future ad face status and cost is published there. TWO-WAY REAL-TIME DATA SYNCHRONIZATION is required. Ad face details are accompanied by information about and order/reserve controls. The service is provided FOR FREE in case of direct order. In case of order via...

Re: Please help me with the text (part 1)

Mr Wordy — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 01:56:14 GMT

Amazing! In Russian it sounds pretty good. Now I don't believe russian-english dictionary . I just don't want to use a title like 'A business offer'. It should attract reader's attention. I would like it to say about new (high, modern, up-to-date) level (degree, extent) of quality (professionalism, perfection). Is it possible to fromulate that somehow? The dictionary is probably fine, but word-for-word translation is a risky business (as evidenced by the garbage spewed out by machine translation!). I personally think that "A business proposal", though not startlingly exciting, is not too bad. Or you could perhaps say "Modern, professional solutions for your business", but I'd be tempted...

Re: Please help me with the text (part 1)

shurman81 — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 21:53:26 GMT

New degree of perfection Amazing! In Russian it sounds pretty good. Now I don't believe russian-english dictionary . I just don't want to use a title like 'A business offer'. It should attract reader's attention. I would like it to say about new (high, modern, up-to-date) level (degree, extent) of quality (professionalism, perfection). Is it possible to fromulate that somehow? The aspiration of to be a leader in visual communications is well recognized by our company. Maybe it's better to replace ' aspiration of to be a leader ' with ' aspiration of to stay a leader ' or something like that. How do you feel? We understa

Re: Please help me with the text (part 1)

Mr Wordy — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 03:24:19 GMT

Reply continued... John is the first name, but we don't know each other. It's a matter of personal preference, but if I was sending an unsolicited business letter to someone I didn't know then I would address it as "Dear Mr <surname>" rather than "Dear <first name>". The "ad face" is a term of industry and it means a side of advertisement construction. For instance, take a look at a billboard. It usually has two sides (front and back), if one side is used to place ad on it then such a side is an 'ad face'. I don't know about 'idle time' exactly, but it seems to be a common term for 'time of not using of smth'. I've found the...

Re: Please help me with the text (part 1)

Mr Wordy — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 00:21:10 GMT

the first paragraph shows that we deeply understand the mission of the recipient company and that we realy have some ideas how to improve the performing of their mission and achieve aims. So I would like to leave the paragraph but without grammatical and style issues. Some suggestions: New degree of perfection The aspiration of to be a leader in visual communications is well recognized by our company. We understand your commitment to service quality as well as your desire to remain ahead of your competitors. Although you are already generally recognized and perfect in your business , we would like to offer you an opportunity to take one more step on the road to

Re: Please help me with the text (part 1)

shurman81 — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 20:03:29 GMT

First of all thanks a lot!!! I couldn't imagine that there were so many issues in my letter. Sorry that I wasn't clear enough. I should clarify things a bit before continue. The company I'm writing to is a world-wide organization. In Russia it is the biggest company in the OOH (out of home) advertising industry. So the letter I'm writing shouldn't be one of the hundreds of the letters they recieve every day. It mustn't be an ordinary letter. Otherwise they just wont notice it. They are ahead already of their competitors and don't need any help. So it's very important just to make them think a bit about our offer which can realy improve their business. So, Grammatical issues aside, I don't like...

Re: Please help me with the text (part 1)

Mr Wordy — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 01:53:29 GMT

Grammatical issues aside, I don't like the tone of the opening paragraph much, I'm afraid. To be frank, it sounds patronising. I would cut all the congratulatory stuff and just make a brief and factual statement of your purpose in writing to them, taking into account your existing relationship with them (if any). If John is the recipient's first name then you should just say "Dear John" (though some people might find this a bit over-familiar if you do not already know each other). If "John" is his second name then "Dear Mr John" is correct. Some comments/suggestions on the bullet points: • Decreasing of ad face’s average idle time; -- This isn't grammatical, but unfortunately...

Please help me with the text (part 1)

shurman81 — Sun, 31 May 2009 10:26:05 GMT

Hi All, I'm writing a business offer in English, but I'm not a native English speaker, so I've faced a number of trubles. I would like the following things to be corrected if there are any mistakes: 1. Articles (in russian we don't have them, so it's quite difficult to manage them) 2. Punctuation (english punctuation differs from ours) 3. Grammar (tenses, statements, setexpressions, ets.) 4. Spelling 5. Synonyms (one russian word can be translated into one of several english synonyms which can have different meaning, but it's hard to choose the correct one) 6. Style (some decisions depends on the text style. So the letter must be written in official business style) The whole text...