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Re: Urgent..plz check my first "Narrative Paragraph"

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Apr 2006 22:27:22 GMT

Some parts didn't make sense.....

Re: Urgent..plz check my first "Narrative Paragraph"

Bareed235 — Mon, 12 Dec 2005 11:55:06 GMT

Thank U very much

Re: Urgent..plz check my first "Narrative Paragraph"

julielai — Sun, 11 Dec 2005 14:34:33 GMT

Julielai wrote:
Hi Bareed235,
The moment my cousin was hit by a car, I felt shocked. In my town there are some streets that have not (incorrect use of not. Try another word) pavements between up the street and down the street (try: in the street). So that, (get rid of it. It does not serve any purpose) you have to be careful when you walk across the street to the other side (already implied). My cousin was about 11 years old, and he was not controllable (in what way?). One day, my cousin and I went to a shop. We entered the shop. After we finished, he suddenlly ran out of the shop into the street. I yelled at him to come back, but he was not listening. In no time a car hit him. For a second, I felt shocked and did not understand what had just happened. He fell down. He was loosing (spelling) a lot of bloods (check to see if it's countable). I was confused and not knowing (parallel, you can't say "I not knowing what to do") what to do. The man ,who hit him, took us to the hospital. As soon as we arrived to (preposition) the hospital, I phoned my uncle. After my uncle came, I felt relieved. Few months later, my cousin told me that he will (tense) never ever walk across a street, till he makes sure there are no cars.

Re: Urgent..plz check my first "Narrative Paragraph"

Bareed235 — Sun, 11 Dec 2005 11:04:38 GMT

Julielai wrote:

and he was not controllable (in what way?)

and he was not a controllable boy. (is it correct now?)

Julielai wrote:

you have to be careful when you walk across the street to the other side(already implied)

you have to be careful when you walk across the street. (what about now?)

Julielai wrote:

Few months later, my cousin told me that he will (tense) never ever walk across a street, till he makes sure there are no cars.

Few months later, my cousin told me that he would never ever walk across a street, till he made sure there were no cars.( now?)

but what's wrong with others?

Re: Urgent..plz check my first "Narrative Paragraph"

Bareed235 — Sun, 11 Dec 2005 10:50:25 GMT

I am sorry.... but I didn't get it!
you haven't corrected the mistakes.
would you please do that ?

If you haven't noticed... I am a beginner in English.
so please use the full form of the words.

I am sorry if I irritate you with my post.

Re: Urgent..plz check my first "Narrative Paragraph"

julielai — Sun, 11 Dec 2005 00:40:55 GMT

Hi Bareed235,

The moment my cousin was hit by a car, I felt shocked. In my town there are some streets that have not (awk) pavements between up the street and down the street. So that, you have to be careful when you walk across the street to the other side (already implied). My cousin was about 11 years old, and he was not controllable (in what way?). One day, my cousin and I went to a shop. We entered the shop. After we finished, he suddenlly ran out of the shop into the street. I yelled at him to come back, but he was not listening. In no time a car hit him. For a second, I felt shocked and did not understand what had just happened. He fell down. He was loosing (sp) a lot of bloods. I was confused and not knowing what to do. The man ,who hit him, took us to the hospital. As soon as we arrived to (prep) the hospital, I phoned my uncle. After my uncle came, I felt relieved. Few months later, my cousin told me that he will (tense) never ever walk across a street, till he makes sure there are no cars.

Urgent..plz check my first "Narrative Paragraph"

Bareed235 — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 18:15:09 GMT

Hello... I am studying English in level 2 at the university.
This is my first narrative paragraph.
Would you please check the ( spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes, punctuation marks mistakes, and writing mistakes) ?

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The moment my cousin was hit by a car, I felt shocked. In my town there are some streets that have not pavements between up the street and down the street. So that, you have to be careful when you walk across the street to the other side. My cousin was about 11 years old, and he was not controllable. One day, my cousin and I went to a shop. We entered the shop. After we finished, he suddenlly ran out of the shop into the street. I yelled at him to come back, but he was not listening. In no time a car hit him. For a second, I felt shocked and did not understand what had just happened. He fell down. He was loosing a lot of bloods. I was confused and not knowing what to do. The man ,who hit him, took us to the hospital. As soon as we arrived to the hospital, I phoned my uncle. After my uncle came, I felt relieved. Few months later, my cousin told me that he will never ever walk across a street, till he makes sure there are no cars.

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I am waiting for the correction!