ESL Essay, Writing World

Re: A Narrative about Change

Nick147 — Tue, 07 Mar 2006 13:14:34 GMT

The easiest thing to do is to move the sentences about changing your life, to the beginning. So the passage would open with:

" Today was a special day in my life. I had questioned myself âWHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR MISERABLE, LONELY SELF?â and I was taking action. I was leaving my family home for 3 months and changing my life for the better. Instead of staying in the attic of my familyâs home, spending my time on the computer and living off chips and coke..... " - then go on to say what you were going to do.

Cheerio,

Nick

Re: A Narrative about Change

Hybr!d — Tue, 07 Mar 2006 08:12:17 GMT

Today was a special day in my life. I leapt out of bed at 6:00 am, had a shower, dressed, took my passport and airline ticket and drove to the airport. I was leaving my family home for 3 months and the feeling of the heebie - jeebies started to dominate the sense of excitement I had felt before reaching the Airport. I was worried about what I was leaving behind, but felt a sense of adventure. I was changing my life for the better instead of living in the attic of my familyâs home, spending my time on the computer and living off chips and coke. I was questioning myself âWHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR MISERABLE, LONELY LIFE?â and I was taking action to change things.

The teacher said to build more suspence in this paragraph. I got no idea how to really. Need some help guys. Would really appreciate it

Re: A Narrative about Change

Hybr!d — Mon, 06 Mar 2006 08:32:57 GMT

Thanks for helping me man appreciate it

Re: A Narrative about Change

Nick147 — Sun, 05 Mar 2006 17:30:38 GMT

Hi,

This is an interesting story! I have suggested some amendments to make it read better. My changes are shown in bold. One thing you should be careful about is the use of capitals. Usually only proper names are written with a capital letter, though words can be capitalised for literary effect. I have taken out all of the capitals in your draft that seem to be unnecessary. Also, be careful when using apostrophes. I have corrected these in your draft. The word "gerbils" does not need an apostrophe unless you are talking about something that belongs to a gerbil - for example, "the gerbil's nose", or "the gerbils' noses" if you are taliking about more than one gerbil.

I hope you find this helpful,

Revised Draft:

I was travelling to China. A City called âä¸æ»ç¥å¥åå¸â which in English means âMysterious City of the Undeadâ. It was a Mystic City said to have been abandoned 20 yrs ago because of haunting, magical and unaccountable acts carried out by supernatural beings.

When I reached the outskirts of the City I felt an abnormal presence encompass me. I was on a quest to find enlightenment on my Path to change and I wouldnât stop for anything that got in my way.

I entered the city looking around thoughtfully. The city was like one of those olden day movies with everything black and white. I turned my head to the left and saw a corner shop. I entered the shop and saw many ominous symbols on the walls. While I was gazing at the symbols an old, wise-looking man stood up from behind the counter. He saw that I was not from the area and spoke in English to me. He said âWhat are you doing here in the city? Donât you know what has happened here you insolent fool?â.

I answered hesitantly and slowly because of the sudden appearance of this man. I said âI have heard everything about this city but I want to seek a new beginning in my lifeâ. The Old man told me âAhh, so you are beginning to seekâ¦ I have the correct tool you need to begin.â

In my head I was confused as to what this old man was on about. I thought he was crazy and his Yoda type accent from Star Wars added to my dilemma.

Then I saw him bend down under the counter and he brought forward a box covered in dust and mould. He slowly opened the box and immediately a light filled the room exactly like when the sun is slowly rising in the morning. My eyes where a bit blurry but once this had gone away I saw three little gerbils standing on the counter.

I was fascinated and told[asked ?] the old man âThese are going to help me[?]â. He replied âThey do helpâ¦ now take the gerbils. Beware, but they have hidden power for good, also â¦â¦â¦â

Before he could finish his sentence a slight breeze had entered the room and hit the Old man. He disappeared into thin air like when you blow a dandelion flower and all its white fluffy hair disappears.

I was abit agitated and hesitated to take the grebils back home with me. But I said to myself âI have nothing to loose except a new beginning to my lifeâ.

I took the little gerbils, packed them in my bag and took the first flight back to my hometown. As I reached my house I saw that it had changed. It had been renovated and there was a new car outside. I asked my parents âWho is that car for?â My mum answered âIt is yours son, lots of good things have been happening in your absenceâ.

I said to myself âOhhhh these gerbils are workingâ.. I was ecstatic and wanted to see what else these gerbils could do.

So I took it upon myself to go to the mall with my new car. I suddenly felt in the midst of societyâ¦ While I was parking a really beautiful woman started to talk to me. I was intoxicated with her beauty and felt dazed. To everything she said I replied âYesâ. She asked me out and I replied âYes I would like toâ. Tomorrow she suggested!!

I bought myself a set of new clothes, shoes, perfume and a watch - this was all with my mum's new found fountain of money!!

I went back home and slept, waiting for the next day to dawn. Once I woke up the next morning all I could hear was a huge truck parking outside our House. It said âDepo Departmentâ on it. Everything I had learnt to accept had disappeared. My car, watch, new clothes, everything. I had even lost the date with the dazzling woman I met at the mall.

I wondered to myself âWHY WHY is this happening to me?â. I got the stupid gerbils and looked underneath them. My answer was revealed. They were "made in Chinaâ.

I have been told and had the experience myself that âEverything made in China doesnât lastâ.

In my last plea for help I said âPlease God get me out of this mess!â.

Then out of nowhere my mum came to me and said âWhat do you do when you realize all your dreams come true?â

I answered âYou wake upâ.

I woke up in the attic where I sleep. I was covered in sweat and my heart was pumping like I had run all the way from Africa to my House.

I undertook to take my dream and apply it to the real world.

A Narrative about Change

Hybr!d — Sun, 05 Mar 2006 00:03:11 GMT

This is narrative I wrote got me a 3 out of 5 for the first draft. I was wondering if you guys could help me make it abit better for a higher mark for my second draft. It is out of 10 my second one and hope to get good marks. I hope you guys can help me.

Assessment Task 1- Narrativeâ¦

First Draft:

Today was a special day in my life. I had leapt out of bed at 6:00 am, dressed up, had a shower, took my passport, airline ticket and drove my way to the Airport. I was leaving my family home for 3 months and the feelings of the heebie - jibbies started to predominate the sense of excitement I had acquainted before reaching the Airport. I was troubled of what I was going to leave behind but the sense of Adventure, changing my life for the better instead of living in the Attic of my Familyâs home living off chips, coke and my Computer. I had stopped questioning my self âWHAT ARE YOU DOING IN YOUR MISERABLE LONELY LIFEâ and took the action to change my life.

I was traveling to China. A City called âä¸æ»ç¥å¥åå¸â which in English is âMysterious City of the Undeadâ. It was a Mystic City said to have been abandoned 20 yrs ago because of Haunted, Magical unaccountable acts had been carried out by supernatural beings.

When I reached the outskirts of the City I felt an abnormal presence encompass me. I was on a quest to find enlightenment on my Path to change and I wouldnât cease at anything in my way.

I entered the city looking everywhere thoughtfully. The City was like those olden day movies with everything Black and White. I tilted my head to the left and saw a Corner shop. I entered the shop and found all these ominous Symbols on the walls. While I was Gazing into the Symbols an Old Wisdom looking Man struck up from behind the counter. He noticed I was not from the Area and spoke in English to me. He said âWhat are you doing City here in? Donât you know what happened has here you insolent fool?â.

I answered hesitantly and slowly because of the sudden appearance of this man. I said âI have heard everything about this city but I want to seek a new beginning in my lifeâ. The Old man subsequently told me âAhh so you beginning seekâ¦ I have correct tool need you for Beginning.â

In my head I was confused of what this Old man is on about. I thought he was crazy and his Yoda type Accent from Star Wars added to the dilemma.

Then all I see he bends down under the counter and he brings forward a Box covered by dust and mould. He slowly opened the box and an immediate light filled the room exactly like when the Sun is slowly rising in the Morning. My eyes where a bit blurry but once the blurriness had gone away I found â3 Little Gerbilâs standing on the counterâ.

I was fascinated and told the Old man âThese are going to help meâ. He replied âHelp they doâ¦ Now take Gerbilâs, beware but, have they hidden power for good also â¦â¦â¦â

Before he could finish his sentence a slight breeze had entered the room and hit the Old man. He had disappeared into thin air like when you blow a dandelion flower and all its white fluffy hair disappears.

I was abit agitated and hesitant in taking these Gerbilâs back home with me. But I then said to my self âI have nothing to loose except a new introduction in my lifeâ.

I took the Little Gerbilâs, packed them in my bag and took the first flight back to my Hometown. As I had reached my house I saw it had changed. It had been renovated also there was a new car. I asked my parents âWho is that Car for?â My mum answered âIt is yours son everything good has been occurring in your absenceâ.

I said to my self âOhhhh these Gerbils are workingâ.. I was ecstatic and wanted to see what else these Gerbilâs can doâ.

So I took it up my self and went to the Mall with my new Car. I suddenly felt in the crowd of societyâ¦ While I was parking a really beautiful Woman started to talk to me. I was intoxicated within her beauty and dazed of. Everything she said I replied with âYesâ. She asked me out and I replied âYes I would like itâ. Tomorrow she suggested!!

I bought my self a set of new clothes, shoes, perfume and a Watch this was all with my mums newly founded fountain of money!!

I went back home and slept for the next day to rise. Once I woke up the next morning all I hear is a Huge Truck parking outside our House. It said the âDepo Departmentâ and everything I had learnt to accept disappeared. My car,watch new clothes everything. I had even lost the date with the dazzling Woman I met at the mall.

I wondered to my self âWHY WHY is this happening to me?â. I got those stupid Gerbilâs and looked underneath it. My answer had been solved it was made in âChinaâ.

I have been told and had the experience my self that âEverything made in China doesnât lastâ.

In my last plea for help I said âPlease God get me out of this messâ.

Then out of nowhere my mum comes to me and says âWhat do you do when you realize all your dreams come true?â

I answered âYou wake upâ.

All I see I wake up in the attic where I sleep and I was full of sweat and my heart was pumping like I had run from Africa to my House.

I took my dream as a undertaking venture and applied it to the real world.

Hope everything works out for the best.