Re: My first essay

Mister Micawber — Sun, 07 May 2006 07:26:15 GMT

Hello Stringer,

Your essay reads reasonably well, but it is-- as are most essays-- too wordy, redundant and convoluted. It should be much simpler, clearer and more direct. Let me whittle away at your first paragraph, for instance:

ORIGINAL:

A typical policeman, in most developed countries, would instill a sense of security in oneâs mind, exhibit honesty, confidence and last but not the least discipline. In contrast, an Indian policeman reminds one of the ubiquitous jokes in magazines, satellite channels etc ridiculing their unfitness, greasy hands, cowardice etc. That the police system is the backbone of the society and is very imperative for the smooth functioning of it is not a top secret. Unfortunately in India, we donât have enough virtuous politicians and office bearers to realize it and do the needful to rejuvenate the present weary police system

REVISED:

A policeman in most developed countries instills a sense of security, and exhibits honesty, self-confidence, and discipline. In contrast, an Indian policeman reminds one of the media jokes ridiculing their unfitness, cowardice and greasy hands. The police system is obviously the backbone of a society and is essential for its smooth functioning. Unfortunately, India has too few honest politicians and office holders to realize this and rejuvenate its worn-out police system.

My first essay

Stringer — Sat, 06 May 2006 10:47:08 GMT

This is my first essay. Your suggestions on how to improve it are most welcome.

Rejuvenating the Indian Police System

A typical policeman, in most developed countries, would instill a sense of security in oneâs mind, exhibit honesty, confidence and last but not the least discipline. In contrast, an Indian policeman reminds one of the ubiquitous jokes in magazines, satellite channels etc ridiculing their unfitness, greasy hands, cowardice etc. That the police system is the backbone of the society and is very imperative for the smooth functioning of it is not a top secret. Unfortunately in India, we donât have enough virtuous politicians and office bearers to realize it and do the needful to rejuvenate the present weary police system.

Attitude â the biggest problemâ¦.

Studies and research on attitude have confirmed that attitude contributes 85% to oneâs success irrespective of profile of job one is involved in. So, attitude should be the primary parameter based on which a trainee is selected, which will ensure that there is a basic will in a person to be a policeman rather than treating it as just a money spinner. Once this is identified, it has to be nurtured during the training, which plays an important role in sending out a trainee with a right attitude. The performance of the current policemen doesnât show the current training program in good light, which is all the more reason that it must be reviewed. One feels that the current training system is too insipid and purposeless and its only achievement is that it leaves a trainee sapped of all his/her energy at the end of the training program. This scenario can be changed by asking the army personnel to conduct the training that would concentrate on integrity, discipline, and high-level fitness and at the same time maintain the high energy levels of the trainee and also impart the importance of internal security of a nation which is equally important as the external security. This kind of training program is suggested because of its proven track record in keeping the morale of the soldiers high in spite of them having to work amidst adverse atmosphere (environment).

Post training

If a trainee comes out of his training program unscathed, then he must be ready to face the wicked politicians and venal higher police officials waiting in the wings to exploit. The politicians can be punished directly by the people during the elections. When in power these people can be monitored by the honest police officers. Where to get the honest police officers from is a million dollar question. The answer is they have to be encouraged and changed. Encouraged if one is basically honest and changed if he is not.

Encouraging a basically honest policeman is comparatively easier job since it involves only recognition of work done, rewarding the performance and nurture. Recognition of work and rewards can be in the form of promotion, periodical increments and performance-based increments other than a reasonable pay package. Changing an existing venal policeman into a honest one involves implementation of a blend of hostile and cordial measures. Cordial measures can be similar to the above one where as hostile measures can include punishing the family members of a policeman for their acquiescence to his misdeeds. Apart from this, the president of the local welfare associations can be appointed as unofficial watchdogs of the respective area police stations and their report on complaints solved by that police station can be taken as one of the factors that would decide the increments. The other factors that should decide the increments and promotions are fitness levels as it deteriorates drastically from the day of joining and overall performance of that particular station as this will ensure that each member will be the watchdog of the other in a police station. Each station can be provided with a small basic gymnasium, which will encourage the fitness conscious policemen. Policemen who are averse to fitness should be coerced to stay fit by conducting fitness test for every four months and unfit policemen should be sent back to training for certain hours a day and any policeman found unfit more than once must be declared as unqualified for increments and promotions for the next certain number of years depending on the present grade.

Apart from the pay package and other benefits, the infrastructure and the work atmosphere can be improved which will contribute substantially in making a police man more efficient and duty conscious. The present day rifles are more often than not heavier than the policeman himself and most of the police jeeps are 15-20 years old, which are the main culprits of air pollution. When a common man enters a police station, the atmosphere inside is intimidating rather than inviting. Skeleton walls, a huge obsolete fan and a broken table is a common scene in most of the police station, of course few stations in the city may be exceptions. These must be rapidly changed for the betterment of the policemen and in turn the society. The policemen also contribute in intimidating the layman through their arrogant and flagrant speech, body language and physical looks. In fact, the public relations should be a cardinal part of the training, which will assist in changing the intimidating atmosphere to a more cordial one pertinent to policemenâs behavior.

By these measures we can achieve a certain level of honesty and discipline in the police system which will automatically keep a vigil on politicians in power and there will be a dearth of dishonest policemen to connive with politicians unlike in the recent riots in Gujarat where active and dutiful police officers were transferred and replaced by those who can be of help to the mob to carry out the barbaric acts. So, our first job at hand in rejuvenating the police system is to identify few honest and sincere politicians and police officers who are receptive to above measures and will fine-tune and implement it. Whether can we find a few of those is anybodyâs guess.

ESL Essay, Writing World

Re: My first essay

My first essay