ESL Essay, Writing World

Re: Please Proofread

Voodoomagik — Mon, 05 Jun 2006 00:13:15 GMT

Yes, I believe torment would be a much better word

Thanks very much, nona

Re: Please Proofread

nona the brit — Mon, 05 Jun 2006 00:03:33 GMT

Hi. Errors pointed out in red. Parts you may wish to re-think are in blue. The use of the word torture is absolutely not appropriate here. It sounds as though he was doing them severe physical damage! Do you mean torment or tease?

Andrew Bennet, 19, was born and raised in Carrollton, Mississippi and is a sophomore at Holmes Community College. He has already begun to venture into his adult life through careful planning and consideration. And, even though he loved to torture his little brothers in his younger years, I believe Andrew Bennet will lead a successful life because of his love of sports and the pursuit of his dream to become a physical therapist. And, despite the torture mentioned above, he lived a very happy childhood. ( I also don't see the relevance of his teasing his little brothers and his leading a succesful life 'despite' treating them in that way. You are implying that with most people, having teased your brothers would stop you leading a succesful life. Again, his teasing wouldn't stop him having a happy childhood - it may have made his brothers miserable though!)
    Starting at a very early age, it was obvious Andrew would be a sport lover. Since he was a child, he would collect baseball cards. As he grew, he began watching many sports on television or listening to them on the radio. He showed an advanced passion for the sport of baseball, which is considered his favorite. His favorite team is the Atlanta Braves, which only strengthens the fact that he will one day achieve greatness.(how does having a favourite team increase his chances of greatness?) Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about his view on college sports, of which he favors Ole Miss (is this part meant to be humorous? Doesn't quite work). Andrew even hopes that he will someday serve on the medical field of a sport organization.
    As I mentioned earlier, Andrew currently attends class at Holmes Community College. He is attempting to finish up at Holmes Community College and continue his education at Delta State University where he will then major in physical therapy. Physical therapy has long been a dream of his, and it looks as though he doesn't have much farther to go in accomplishing this dream. Although, he will have to continue to work hard if he wishes to accomplish it. Andrew seemed very vigorous to learn so that it doesn't seem that working hard will be a problem for him. After he has received his degree from Delta State, he plans to get a job working as the staff on a sport team.
    As a child Andrew loved to do many things that other children love to do. He would ride his bike all around, and play with friends. He would play sports, like baseball or football, with friends outside, play video games, and fish. As he travels deeper and deeper into his adult life, the experiences that he has acquired throughout his childhood will shape and develop him. His childhood will continue to impact heavily on his life, studies and eventually his career. These were golden times in his life that, I believe, will lead to success in his future.
    That's about all I have to say about Andrew Bennet. Hopefully he continues to chase his dream of becoming a physical therapist. He has come far in his journey and continues to go farther. Maybe one day we will see him on national television helping someone on a baseball field. I would also like to thank Andrew for allowing me to interview him and gather this information to construct an essay about him. Andrew was very helpful and cooperative during the interview and I appreciate it very much.

Re: Please Proofread

Voodoomagik — Sun, 04 Jun 2006 23:25:48 GMT

UPDATED:

    Andrew Bennet, 19, was born and raised in Carrollton, Mississippi and is a sophomore at Holmes Community College. He has already begun to venture into his adult life through careful planning and consideration. And, even though he loved to torture his little brothers in his younger years, I believe Andrew Bennet will lead a successful life because of his love of sports and the pursuit of his dream to become a physical therapist. And, despite the torture mentioned above, he lived a very happy childhood.
    Starting at a very early age, it was obvious Andrew would be a sport lover. Since he was a child, he would collect baseball cards. As he grew, he began watching many sports on television or listening to them on the radio. He showed an advanced passion for the sport of baseball, which is considered his favorite. His favorite team is the Atlanta Braves, which only strengthens the fact that he will one day achieve greatness. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about his view on college sports, of which he favors Ole Miss. Andrew even hopes that he will someday serve on the medical field of a sport organization.
    As I mentioned earlier, Andrew currently attends class at Holmes Community College. He is attempting to finish up at Holmes Community College and continue his education at Delta State University where he will then major in physical therapy. Physical therapy has long been a dream of his, and it looks as though he doesn't have much farther to go in accomplishing this dream. Although, he will have to continue to work hard if he wishes to accomplish it. Andrew seemed very vigorous to learn so that it doesn't seem that working hard will be a problem for him. After he has received his degree from Delta State, he plans to get a job working as the staff on a sport team.
    As a child Andrew loved to do many things that other children love to do. He would ride his bike all around, and play with friends. He would play sports, like baseball or football, with friends outside, play video games, and fish. As he travels deeper and deeper into his adult life, the experiences that he has acquired throughout his childhood will shape and develop him. His childhood will continue to impact heavily on his life, studies and eventually his career. These were golden times in his life that, I believe, will lead to success in his future.
    That's about all I have to say about Andrew Bennet. Hopefully he continues to chase his dream of becoming a physical therapist. He has come far in his journey and continues to go farther. Maybe one day we will see him on national television helping someone on a baseball field. I would also like to thank Andrew for allowing me to interview him and gather this information to construct an essay about him. Andrew was very helpful and cooperative during the interview and I appreciate it very much.

Please Proofread

Voodoomagik — Sun, 04 Jun 2006 19:15:52 GMT

   Andrew Bennet, 19, was born and raised in Carollton, Mississippi and is currently a sophmore at Holmes Community College. He has already begun to venture into his adult life through careful planning and consideration. And, even though he loved to torture his little brothers in his younger years, I believe Andrew Bennet will lead a successful life because of his love of sports and the pursuit of his dream to become a physical therapist. And, despite the torture mentioned above, he lived a very happy childhood.
   Starting at a very early age, it was obvious Andrew would be a sports lover. Since he was a child, he would collect baseball cards. As he grew, he began watching many sports on television or listening to them on the radio. He showed an advanced passion for the sport of baseball, which is considered his favorite. His favorite team is currently the Atlanta Braves, which only strenghthens the fact that he will one day achieve greatness. Unfortunatly, the same cannot be said about his view on college sports, of which he favors Ole Miss. Andrew even hopes that he will someday serve on the medical field of a sports organisation.
   As I mentioned earlier, Andrew currently attends school at Holmes Community College. He is currently attempting to finish up at Holmes and continue his education at Delta State University where he will then major in physical therapy. Physical therapy has long been a dream of his, and it looks as though he doesn't have much farther to go in accomplishing this dream. Although, he will have to continue to work hard if he wishes to accomplish it. Andrew seemed very vigorous to learn so that it doesn't seem that working hard will be a problem for him. After he has recieved his degree from Delta State, he plans to get a job working as the staff on a sports team.
   As a child Andrew loved to do many things that other children love to do. He would ride his bike all around and play with friends. He would play sports, like baseball or football, with friends outside, play video games, and fish. As he travels deeper and deeper into his adult life, the experiences that he has acquired throughout his childhood will shape and develop him. His childhood will continue to heavly impact his life, studies and eventually his career. These were golden times in his life that, I believe, will lead to success in his future.
   That's about all I have to say about Andrew Bennet. Hopefully he continues to chase his dream of becoming a physical therapist. He has come far in his journey and continues to go further. Maybe one day we will see him on national television helping someone on a baseball field. I would also like to thank Andrew for allowing me to interview him and gather this information to construct an essay about him. Andrew was very helpful and coopertive during the interview and I appriciate it very much.