introductions and conclusions (help?)

Eternity22 — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 00:11:46 GMT

Introduction

the introductory paragraph contains at least 3 sentences.
the writer uses at least one method of introduction (questions, interesting story, relevant quotation, definition).
the paragraph leads up to a thesis statement at the end of the introduction.
the thesis statement is underlined

Three topic sentence

The topic sentences support the thesis
Each topic sentence can be developed in a paragraph
Each topic sentence is a complete sentence.

Conclusion

The conclusion contains at least 3 sentences.
The conclusion re-emphasizes the main point without repeating the introduction.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

(here that's what i wrote and i felt that i didn't follow the direction. It is due today. I dont know what else to do. I ve worked on it past weekend. I need your help or can someone edits it for me with red mark (font) or (strike) if possible. Oh, and Im deaf. It is not easy for me because it is my second language). Thanks

Introduction

Why are role models important? How does one become a role model student? Does a role model have to be famous to be a role model? Do TV shows have a responsibility to create some good role models for kids? What has he/she done to contribute back to society? Is your role model directed toward helping others? Do you know of any role models that have overcome a great deal of adversity to become successful? (A physical handicap, discrimination, a lack of money, etc.) What do you think is the most important quality for a role model? What have they done to be considered a role model? Do you think you could take aspects of several role models you like? Could you use them to pattern your own life after? The role models are important.

Support Statement 1:

A role model is for kids to watch TV shows. When kids turn on the TV, they should be able to see a good role model.

Support Statement 2:

Role models help children to develop well. Alfred Einstein views his role as helping them to "understand what it takes to become a successful scientist."

Support Statement 3:

Role model is an hour for older people where kids can follow their steps.

Conclusion

The role models are important because they will showcase outstanding to help youths and young adults to pattern their lives, inspire youths to think about what they want to be, what they want to do, and how they'll contribute back to life, all walks of life, who have been successful in their field, and who help others to realize their possibilities, present celebrities and everyday people, each of them will have something great to share about the way they live their lives, our world has fabulous potential in its youth by opening them to life's possibilities, we can help them to strengthen their values and live up to their full potential.

ESL Essay, Writing World

introductions and conclusions (help?)