ESL Essay, Writing World

Re: Would please help me say this in a better way & grammatically correct?

Nancy19820 — Wed, 06 Dec 2006 19:52:23 GMT

Members of Festival Committee include Gloria Smith, Diane Leoria, Susan Arstran, and Brianna Srenita, but only Mrs. Arstran and Mrs. Srenita attended. We discussed and the members suggested the following for Spring Festival to be held in 2007:

The Committee feel âShop and Strollâ sounds âtoo commercialâ and what people really wanted is a âfamily orientedâ event. If they do not feel that, they will not come. The Committee suggested this day of event should be called âFestival of Musicâ.
The Committee suggested the event should be held between noon to 5:00 p.m. and the date is set for March 24, 2007; which is on Saturday. The two to three hours time frame would not be so effective because itâs like we make them come between those times. Not everybody is available. From previous events experience, people come and go. We need to give them an opportunity through out the event at whatever time is convenient. Not only longer time frame helps people to come, but the vendors will have longer time to sale their products. The longer time frame the better profit for them.
Another kid activity should be placed on the other end of the music stage. A kid jumpy stage at the Bookworm book store parking space should also be placed for people to wonder around.
The committee suggested contacting Home Depot, Ace Hardware, Kroger, Publix, Real Estate, banks, and Powder Springs Business Association to ask for their sponsorship and support and contacting First Baptist Church, Woman Club, McEachern High School, Powder Springs Elementary, Cobb County Children Theater, story teller such as Ms. Virginia, and children artist to participate in the event.
The vendors should not be âtoo politicalâ such as real estate. From their previous volunteer experience, people will be disinterested if there is nothing for them to look or buy.
âThe City was too focused in attracting people within the city limitâ was complained by many spectators from previous events. Downtown businesses can benefit from the unincorporated areas as well as neighboring cities. Distribution of posters should not only be concentrated in the downtown areas.
The City also should invest in a banner that hangs across Boiling Street for the Festival of Music event not only to let them know the event is coming up but to put sponsor name on the banner to show our appreciation.

Re: Would please help me say this in a better way & grammatically correct?

Nancy19820 — Wed, 06 Dec 2006 19:45:05 GMT

Grammar Greek,

Yes, it is a paragraph within a other pagraraphs. Would you please help me with it? I really need help but I was afraid no one would read my long essay.

Re: Would please help me say this in a better way & grammatically correct?

Grammar Geek — Wed, 06 Dec 2006 18:48:16 GMT

Nancy, it feels like this started in the middle of a paragraph and in the middle of a sentence. I'm sorry, but I don't know what you mean by the first "sentence" (which is really a fragment).

The recommendation is burried in the paragraph.
12:00 a.m. is midnight - it would easier to just say "noon."
The vendors will sell (not sale) their products.
I would suggest that you don't need to talk about the vendors' increased profits - it should be clear that that arises from more sales.

For our next event, the Committee has set the date for Saturday, March 2, 2007, and suggests it be held from noon to 5 p.m. The longer time frame will allow more people to come, allow them more time to participate and view [what is it they are viewing?], and allow our vendors more opportunity to make sales. From previous experience, we know people will come and go throughout the event.

Would please help me say this in a better way & grammatically correct?

Nancy19820 — Wed, 06 Dec 2006 17:11:13 GMT

Thank you very much in advance for your help.

The two to three hours time frame because itâs like we make them come between those times. If not, they will not able to participate or see anything. Not everybody is available and from the previous experience, people come and go. So we need to give them an opportunity through out the event. Therefore, the Committee suggested the event should be held between 12:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. and the date is set for March 2, 2007; which is on Saturday. Also, not only longer time frame would allow people to come, but allow the vendors have an opportunity to sale their products and longer time frame the better profit for them.