ESL Essay, Writing World

Re: help me with mu essay plz :)

julielai — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 13:07:47 GMT

You need to work on the parts in red.

Re: help me with mu essay plz :)

Aoosh — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 12:47:05 GMT

                                Cosmetic Surgery

    Cosmetic surgery feeds into the changing cultural ideals of beauty. These ideals are temporary and change over time but it seems to be the answer to all the âthings that can be wrong with youâ .Its perceived to be a quick and efficient way to fix detested characteristics in this beauty-crazed superficial world.
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    Some people seem to have an obsession with plastic surgery.They just keep having plastic surgery done. They have one surgery and then they find something else about themselves that they don't like, so they have another surgery .Also some teens over exaggerate and think they need surgery when they donât. although plastic surgery for a teen is unreasonable and mainly because teens go through this stage of peer pressure where they feel pressured into doing something. Sometimes, they believe what they watch on TV.And believe that they should look like those teen icons too .

There is however a plus side to plastic surgery. For example, if someone were to get bitten by a dog and had to have his whole chin rebuilt.He or she should use plastic surgery only if they absolutely need it. Reconstructive purposes of plastic surgery are suitable, but cosmetic ones are not for teens. If you do something to your body now you may regret it in the future or have a terrible side effect.

   Cosmetic surgery is generates many unnecessary health-risks. Its The wrong ideas of beauty and perfection. Although it can be detrimental to mental health and should never be used as a method of aiding in personality disorders such as anxiety and depression.

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how about now is it good??

Re: help me with mu essay plz :)

julielai — Sat, 27 Oct 2007 22:49:12 GMT

You need to cut down on "I think"/"in my opinion". I highlighted some parts that need to be rephrased.

Aoosh wrote:

Cosmetic surgery feeds into the changing cultural ideals of beauty. These ideals are temporary and change over time but it seems to be the answer to all the âthings that can be wrong with you.â .Its perceived to be a quick and efficient way to fix detested characteristics (wording) in this beauty-crazed superficial world.

Some people seem to have an obsession with plastic surgery.they just keep having plastic surgery done. They have one surgery, then they find something else about themselves that they don't like, so they have another surgery .Also some teens over exaggerate (wording) and think they need surgery when they donât. I believe that plastic surgery for a teen is unreasonable (wording), mainly because teens go through this stage of peer pressure where they feel pressured into doing something. Sometimes, they believe what they watch on TV, ~~seeing all those teen icons,~~and believe that they should look like those teen icons too.

There is, however, a plus side to plastic surgery. For example, if someone were to get bitten by a dog and had to have his whole chin rebuilt, ~~In my opinion, I think~~ he or she should use plastic surgery ~~-- only if they absolutely need it~~. Reconstructive purposes of plastic surgery~~, I think~~ are suitable (elaborate), but cosmetic ones ~~I think~~ are not for teens. If you do something to your body now, you may regret it in the future or have a terrible side effect.

Cosmetic surgery ~~is unhealthy and~~ generates many ~~otherwise~~ unnecessary health-risks. The false (wording) ideas of beauty and perfection ~~are lethal and intoxicate all.It~~ can be detrimental to mental health and should never be used as a method of aiding in personality disorders such as anxiety and depression.(Over the top)

help me with mu essay plz :)

Aoosh — Sat, 27 Oct 2007 16:37:08 GMT

Cosmetic Surgery

Cosmetic surgery feeds into the changing cultural ideals of beauty. These ideals are temporary and change over time it seems to be the answer to all the âthings that can be wrong with you.â .Its perceived to be a quick and efficient solution to fix detested characteristics in this beauty-crazed superficial world.

Some people seem to have an obsession with plastic surgery.they just keep having plastic surgery done. They have one surgery, then they find something else about themselves that they don't like, so they have another surgery .Also some teens over exaggerate and think they need surgery when they donât. I believe that plastic surgery for a teen is unreasonable, mainly because teens go through this stage of peer pressure where they feel pressured into doing something. Sometimes, they believe what they watch on TV, seeing all those teen icons,and believe that they should look like that too.

There is however a plus side to plastic surgery. For example, if someone were to get bitten by a dog and had to have his whole chin rebuilt In my opinion, I think he or she should use plastic surgery only if they absolutely need it. Reconstructive purposes of plastic surgery, I think are suitable, but cosmetic ones I think are not for teens. If you do something to your body now, you may regret it in the future or have a terrible side effect.

Cosmetic surgery is unhealthy and generates many otherwise unnecessary health-risks. The false ideas of beauty and perfection are lethal and intoxicate all.It can be detrimental to mental health and should never be used as a method of aiding in personality disorders such as anxiety and depression.