ESL Essay, Writing World

Re: Please, look through my essay and leave some comment. Thanks a lot

Mister Micawber — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 02:46:30 GMT

OK, thanks, T_nattawat. I have underlined some problem areas again, fixed others (in bold), and crossed out unnecessary words and phrases (you may have to edit further to correct any grammar problems caused by omitting these):

Topic: A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

    Imagine that you live in the countryside where people work mostly on farm; one day some company comes and announces that a large factory is going to be built ~~near your hometown~~. How would you respond, support or oppose? ~~I am one of those who strongly disagree with the plan of having~~ a large factory in my beloved community is not good, because the advantages are outweighed by the disadvantages: it will cause pollution, ~~it will~~ ruin people's culture, and there are (not parallel with the previous 2 times in the list) many other things that the community need.
    There are quite a few advantages the factory would bring to the community. ~~To begin with, a lot of~~ jobs ~~opportunities~~ will be available; people would not have work far ~~away~~ from home. It would also bring more people to town. As a consequence, more income would come to the town. In addition, ~~what will come~~ with new arrivals would come new ideas and culture that the community will be flourished. Soon, the area would be filled with housing areas, ~~followed by~~ restaurants, stores, and shopping centers. The old town will be transformed into a modern city.
    On the other hand, the factory could be a bad influence on the community in the long run. First of all, a lot of pollutions would be created. If one was built, ~~definitely~~ there will be another and another. The community will be turned into an industrial area ~~soon~~. ~~Day after day,~~ the town that once was fulled of trees and fresh air will be covered with poisonous gases and obnoxious noise, not to mention water pollution that will spoil ~~water~~ resources used in farming. Moreover, as the industrial areas expand, native landowners would be forced to abandon their farmlands to sell them to investors and builders. Not only the natural environment will be destroyed but also people's traditions and life styles ~~that have been passed from generation to generation~~. There is no guarantee that the new ways of life that will be bought by the newcomers will suit the community; the ~~only thing that is~~ guarantee is that our beloved community will never be the same.
    In conclusion, it cannot be denied that the community will be thriving because of a factory; but in exchange, it will ~~have to~~ suffer from pollution caused by the factory. ~~And~~ people's life style would be changed. Also, many other facilities need to be built instead: libraries, parks, and recreation centers. If something is constructed, it should not be a factory. ~~It will not do any good to my community. My only answer is negative: I oppose the building of factory.~~

Re: Please, look through my essay and leave some comment. Thanks a lot

T_nattawat — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 07:56:36 GMT

Sorry for taking me long time to revise this essay. Here is my second draft...

Topic: A company has announced that it wish to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the fatory? Explain your position.

    Imagine yourself living in the countryside where people mostly work on farm; one day some company came and announced that a large factory is going to be built near your hometown. How would you respond, support or oppose? I am one of those who strongly disagree with the plan of having a large factory in my beloved community. Because the advantages are outweighed by the disadvantages; it will cause pollution, it will ruin people's culture, and there are many other things that the community need.
    There are quite a few advantages the factory will bring to the community. To begin with, a lot of job opportunities will be available; people do not have work far away from home. It will also bring more people to town. As a consequence, more income will come to the town. In addition, what will come with new arrivals are new ideas and culture that the community will be flourished. Soon, the area would be filled with housing areas, followed by restaurants, stores, and shopping centers. The old town will be transformed into a modern city.
    On the opposition, the factory can cause many bad influences on the community in long run. First of all, a lot of pollutions wil be bought to town. Since one was built, definitely there will be another and another. The community will be turned into an industrial area soon. Day after day, the town that once was fulled of trees and fresh air will be covered with poisonous gases and obnoxious noise. Not to mention water pollution that will spoil water resources used in farming. Moreover, as the industrial areas expand, native landowners would be forced to abandon their farmlands to sell them to investors and companies. Not only the natural environment will be destroyed but also people's traditions and life styles that have been passed from generation to generation. There is no guarantee that the new ways of life that will be bought by the newcomers will suit the community. The only thing that is guaranteed is that our beloved community will never be the same.
    In conclusion, it cannot be denied that the community will be thriving by the factory, but in exchange, it will have to suffer from pollution caused by the factory. And people's life style would be changed. Also, there are a lot of things needed to be built but they have not namely libraries, parks, and recreation centers. If something will be constructed, it should not be a factory. It will not do any good to my community. My only answer is negative: I oppose the building of factory.

Re: Please, look through my essay and leave some comment. Thanks a lot

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 06:46:24 GMT

Firstly, sorry for my late reply.
Thank you for your advice. I will try my best to fix them.

Re: Please, look through my essay and leave some comment. Thanks a lot

Mister Micawber — Wed, 26 Dec 2007 05:40:10 GMT

You have asked us to look through your essay and leave some comment: that is what I have done. It would be a more valuable learning experience if you would make some effort to correct the areas I have indicated first.

Re: Please, look through my essay and leave some comment. Thanks a lot

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 16:22:39 GMT

Thank you for commenting on my paper. If it's possible, could you be more specific about the problems? Is it grammatically wrong? Thanks again.

Re: Please, look through my essay and leave some comment. Thanks a lot

Mister Micawber — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 09:40:31 GMT

I have underlined some problem areas:

Imagine yourself living in a countryside where people mostly work on farm and orchard; one day some company came and announced that a large factory is going to be built near your hometown. What would you respond, support or oppose? I am one of those who strongly disagree with the plan of having a large factory in my beloved community BECAUSE + THESIS STATEMENT.
   To begin with, those who wish to build a factory might convince us by saying that factory will be the benefit of all. A lot of job opportunities will be available; people do not have to be far from home to work in the city. It will also bring more people to town. As a consequence, the existing stores' and restaurants' sale will rise. In addition, what will come with new arrivals are new ideas and cultures that help flourish the community. Soon, the area would be filled of housing area, followed by restaurants, stores, and shopping centers. The old town will be transformed into modernity.
   On the opposition, the factory can cause many bad influences on the community in a long run. First of all, it is a pollution issue. Since one was built, definitely there will be another and another. The community will, soon, be turned into an industrial area. Day after day, the town that once was fulled with trees and fresh air will be covered with poisonous gases and obnoxious noises. Not to mention water pollution that will spoil water resources used in planting and farming. Moreover, as an industrial area expanded, native landowners would be forced to abandon their farmlands, and sell them to investors and companies. Not only the natural environment will be destroyed but also people's traditions and life styles that have been passed from generation to generation. There is no guarantee that the new ways of life bought by the newcomers will suit the community. The only thing it is guaranteed is that our beloved community will never be the same.
   In conclusion, there is no denial that the factory will thrive the community, but in exchange, the it will have to suffer from pollutions caused by the factory; and people's life style would be changed. Also, there are a lot of things needed to be built but it has not namely libraries, parks, and recreation centers. If something will be constructed, it should not be a factory. It will not do any good to my community. My only answer is positive: I oppose the factory.

Please, look through my essay and leave some comment. Thanks a lot

T_nattawat — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 10:33:51 GMT

Topic: A company has announced that it wish to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the fatory? Explain your position.

   Imagine yourself living in a countryside where people mostly work on farm and orchard; one day some company came and announced that a large factory is going to be built near your hometown. What would you respond, support or oppose? I am one of those who strongly disagree with the plan of having a large factory in my beloved community.
   To begin with, those who wish to build a factory might convince us by saying that factory will be the benefit of all. A lot of job opportunities will be available; people do not have to be far from home to work in the city. It will also bring more people to town. As a consequence, the existing stores' and restaurants' sale will rise. In addition, what will come with new arrivals are new ideas and cultures that help flourish the community. Soon, the area would be filled of housing area, followed by restaurants, stores, and shopping centers. The old town will be transformed into modernity.
   On the opposition, the factory can cause many bad influences on the community in a long run. First of all, it is a pollution issue. Since one was built, definitely there will be another and another. The community will, soon, be turned into an industrial area. Day after day, the town that once was fulled with trees and fresh air will be covered with poisonous gases and obnoxious noises. Not to mention water pollution that will spoil water resources used in planting and farming. Moreover, as an industrial area expanded, native landowners would be forced to abandon their farmlands, and sell them to investors and companies. Not only the natural environment will be destroyed but also people's traditions and life styles that have been passed from generation to generation. There is no guarantee that the new ways of life bought by the newcomers will suit the community. The only thing it is guaranteed is that our beloved community will never be the same.
   In conclusion, there is no denial that the factory will thrive the community, but in exchange, the it will have to suffer from pollutions caused by the factory; and people's life style would be changed. Also, there are a lot of things needed to be built but it has not namely libraries, parks, and recreation centers. If something will be constructed, it should not be a factory. It will not do any good to my community. My only answer is positive: I oppose the factory.