ESL Essay, Writing World

Re: Please correct my narrative essay

sandie_bummie — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 04:11:52 GMT

here is my essay..i just edited some part of the essay. but i still need help for some part of it..so please help me, thank you

My First Visit to Knotts Berry Farm

After a long week of church conferences at Anaheim, Los Angeles with other church committees from Texas, Michigan and Florida, our pastors decided to take us to an amusement park. We children were very excited. We debated which amusement park to go to. The majority of us wanted to go to Disneyland, but the tickets were too expensive because of the summer season. Our church did not have the budgets for the tickets, so we decided to go to Knotts Berry Farm instead. I felt a little disappointed, because I really wanted to go to Disneyland, but I heard that Knotts Berry Farm had many rides too. We all crammed like sardines in two vans and a car. As we arrived at the Knottâs Berry Farm front gate, we saw the loops, twists, and drops of the Silver Bullet machine. I was so excited, but at the same time I felt so scared because I had never been on a roller coaster before. While waiting for our pastors to park the cars, we took pictures at the front gate. After we bought the tickets, we all rushed in. The place was fantastic. There were so many rides and souvenir shops everywhere.

For the entire ride I closed my eyes and kept my head down. I held my sisterâs hand tightly and screamed. At that moment I thought, âWhat if the safety rail drops out? I might be killedâ I realized that I was being silly thinking about such things. The ride lasted about two minutes. I made myself open my eyes and I looked down without being scared. There were loops everywhere, which seemed to be turning very quickly. When the ride was over, I felt very dizzy; and I couldnât walk straight and I almost threw up. The ride was extremely scary but at the same time it was extremely exciting.

Boomerang was our second ride of the day. Boomerang consists of a single train with seven cars. The ride begins when the train is pulled backwards from the station and up a lift hill, before being released. Some of us were still dizzy from the Silver Bullet coaster, but we still wanted to experience the Boomerang. We ran to the wait in line with the others. The wait was not long. The ride was extremely fun. This ride wasnât as scary as the first ride. My cousins and some other kids wanted to go on a second time, but I said we should try a few of the other rides. A few rides later, we were tired and hungry. We bought some burger and fries, which were a little expensive, but we had no choice. We ate them by a fountain in the picnic area, under the cool shade of the tree. After lunch, a few rides were closed. So my sister, cousin, and I went to the Snoopy Show while the others were busy looking for other rides. At the Snoopy Show, the majority of the audiences were kids. I felt a bit embarrassed since we are too old for the Snoopy Show. The show was awesome. It had a lot of dancing and singing. I was very impressed with the dancers, and of course with Snoopy.

After the show, we walked around taking pictures. We went to Snoopyâs camp. We took pictures with the mascot Snoopy and other characters, it was really fun. We also went to a souvenir store to buy some souvenirs. I spent ten minutes looking at the stuffs. I could not decide what I should buy, everything was beautiful and unique. I ended up buying a T-shirt and a key chain. Time was running fast; very soon it was three oâclock. We decided to ride a Calico Mine Ride, which is a very slow train ride. Most of the passengers were old people. The train descends into the dark depths of Knotts very own gold mine. It was a little boring because it moved so slowly. I fell asleep on the ride. When the ride was over we decided to use the restroom to freshen up. After using the restroom, we headed to the front gate which was our meeting place. We saw our pastor waiting for us. Our pastor seem very tired from all the rides. He bought Knotts Berry Farm T-shirts for us, which I had just bought earlier at the souvenir shop. We invited him to ride another roller coaster. He said that he just wanted to go home and sleep. We were all tired but happy we wore the Knottsâ T-shirt as we made our way back to the vans. Iâll never forget this experience.

Re: Please correct my narrative essay

sandie_bummie — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 07:17:24 GMT

thank you for ur time correcting my essay..i will try my best to correct it..i always have struggle on tenses...

i will posted my correct later..thankz

Re: Please correct my narrative essay

julielai — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 17:29:50 GMT

I suggest you doublecheck your tenses.

Re: Please correct my narrative essay

julielai — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 17:29:24 GMT

After a long week of church conferences at Anaheim, Los Angeles with other church committees from Texas, Michigan and Florida, ~~and~~ our pastors decide (tense) to take us to an amusement park. We children were very excited. We debated which amusement park to go to. The majority of us wanted to go to Disneyland, but the ticket were too expensive because of the summer season. Our church did not have the budget for the tickets, so we decided to go to Knotts Berry Farm instead ~~because the tickets were cheaper~~. I felt a little disappointed, because I really want to go to Disneyland, but I heard that Knotts Berry Farm had many rides too. We all crammed like sardines in two vans and a car. As we arrived at the Knottâs Berry Farm front gate, we saw the loops, twists, and drop of the Silver Bullet machine. I was so excited, but at the same time I felt so scared because I had never been on roller coaster before. While waiting for our pastors to park the cars, we took pictures at the front gate. After we bought the tickets, we all rushed in. the place were fantastic. There were so many rides and souvenir shops everywhere.

The first ride we went on was the Silver Bullet. While waiting in line, I saw people screaming. Suddenly I felt scared and shaken. We climbed aboard and pulled down the safety rail. It made me more scared when the floor was out. This ride is a floorless steel coaster that flips upside down. As I looked down, I saw the entire amusement park. My heart was beating so hard and my legs started to shake. I felt extremely terrified, since I am afraid of heights. At that moment I wanted to get out of my seat and go home. The ride started slowly until it reached the top, then it rushed down in loops and twists. I felt like I fall down from a high building and I almost fainted.For the entire ride I close my eyes and kept my head down. I held my sisterâs hand tightly and screamed. At that moment I thought that âWhat if the safety rail drops out? I might be killedâ, I realized that I was being silly thinking about such things. The ride lasted about two minutes. ~~In between that time~~ I made myself open my eyes and I looked down without being scared. There were loops everywhere, which seemed to the turning very quickly (What do you mean?). When the ride was over, I felt so dizzy. I couldnât walk straight and I almost threw up. The ride was extremely scary but at the same time it was extremely exciting.

Please correct my narrative essay

sandie_bummie — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 22:17:24 GMT

please correct my narrative essay..this is my final essay for my english class..my teacher ask me to write 5 paragraph..but i just write 4 can you please suggest what should i write on my 5 paragraph..please help me..thanks...i will really appreciate all the help..

My First Visit to Knotts Berry Farm

After a long week of church conferences with other church committees from Texas, Michigan and Florida at Anaheim, Los Angeles, and our pastors decide to take us to an amusement park. We children were very excited. We debated which amusement park to go to. The majority of us wanted to go to Disneyland, unfortunately the ticket were too expensive because of the summer season. Our church did not have enough budgets for the tickets, so we decided to go to Knotts Berry Farm instead because the tickets were cheaper. I felt a little disappointed, because I really want to go to Disneyland, but I heard that Knotts Berry Farm had many rides too. We all crammed like sardines in two vans and a car. As we arrived at the Knottâs Berry Farm front gate, we saw the loops, twists, and drop of the Silver Bullet machine. I was so excited, but at the same time I felt so scared because I hadnât been on roller coaster before. While waiting for our pastors to park the cars. We took pictures at the front gate. After we bought the tickets, we all rushed in. the place were fantastic. There were so many rides and souvenir shops everywhere.

The first ride we went on was the Silver Bullet. While waiting in line, I saw people screaming. Suddenly I felt scared and shaken. We climbed aboard and pulled down the safety rail. It made me more scared when the floor was out. This ride is a floorless steel coaster that flips upside down. As I looked down, I saw the entire amusement park. My heart was beating so hard and my legs started to shake. I felt extremely terrified, since I am afraid of heights. At that moment I wanted to get of my seat and go home. The ride started slowly until it reached the top, then it rushed down and loops and twists. I felt like I fall down from the high building and I almost fainted.For the entire ride I close my eyes and kept my head down. I held my sisterâs hand tightly and screamed. At that moment I thought that âWhat if the safety rail drops out? I might be killedâ, I realized that I was being silly thinking about such things. The ride lasted about two minutes. In between that time I made myself open my eyes and I looked down without being scared. There were loops everywhere, which seemed to the turning very quickly. When the ride was over, I felt so dizzy, and I couldnât walk straight I almost threw up. The ride was extremely scary but at the same time it was extremely exciting.

Boomerang was our second ride of the day. Boomerang consists of a single train with seven cars. The ride begins when the train is pulled backwards from the station and up a lift hill, before being released. Some of us were still dizzy from the Silver Bullet coaster, but we still wanted to experience the Boomerang. We ran to the wait in line with the others. The wait was not long. The ride was extremely fun. This ride wasnât as scary as the first ride. My cousins and some other kids wanted to go on a second time, but I said we should try a few of the other rides. A few rides later, we were tired and hungry. We bought some burger and fries, which were little expensive, but we had no choice. We ate them by a fountain in the picnic area, under the cool shade of the tree. After lunch, a few rides were closed. So my sister, cousin, and I went to the Snoopy Show while the others were busy looking for other rides. At the Snoopy Show, the majority of the audiences were kids. I felt a bit embarrassed since we are too old for the Snoopy Show. The show was awesome, it had dancing and singing. I was very impressed with the dancers, and of course with Snoopy.

After a show, we walked around taking pictures. We went to Snoopyâs camp. We took pictures with the mascot Snoopy and other characters, it was really fun. We also went to a souvenir store to buy some souvenirs. I spent ten minutes looking at the stuffs. I couldnât decide what I should buy, everything was beautiful and unique. I ended up buying a T-shirt and a key chain. Time was running fast; very soon it was three oâclock. We decided to ride a Calico Mine Ride, which is a very slow train ride. Most of the passengers were old people. The train descends into the dark depths of Knotts very own gold mine. It was a little boring because it moved so slowly. I fell asleep on the ride. When the ride was over we decided to use the restroom to fresher up. After using the restroom, we headed to the front gate which was our meeting place. We saw our pastor waiting for us. Our pastor seem very tired from all the rides. He bought souvenirs Knotts Berry Farm T-shirt for us, which I just bought earlier at the souvenirs shop. We invited him to ride another roller coaster. He said that he just wanted to go home and sleep. We are all tired but happy wore the Knottsâ T-shirt as we made our way back to the vans. Iâll never forget this experience.