ESL Essay, Writing World

Re: Can you review my college essay?

anon1 — Sun, 31 Oct 2004 19:19:07 GMT

Hi,

Here are my comments.

I hope they are of value.

Good luck.

MountainHiker

âBritish Airways flight 332 departing from Gate 6 is now boarding, first class passengers please come forward with your boarding passes,â called out the air stewardess on my last day. At that moment, since I was 10, I did not know any better. âMy last dayâ to me was leaving behind my friends, âmyâ life, âmyâ school, âmyâ cricket, and âmyâ country. At that moment, I did not know the emotions that were flowing within my body--I was only 10.

I stood there with my parents, my brother, my two uncles, my two aunts, and my cousin, who had knocked out my teeth by accident earlier that year. I held my passport that my dad had given to me, giving me more responsibility and making me feel I was older. I stood there with my passport and my tiny backpack packed with a hand-help video game at the Ahmedabad International Airport in India on my last day.

Even at 10, I had realized that after I leave India, I would not be able to do the same things that I had once done. Each time I thought about the friendly, yet competitive, cricket games with my neighborhood friends against our conjoined apartments [you played cricket with apartments??], I would want to reconsider the move. Emigration is always an extremely difficult feeling to cope with, especially for a 10 year old. Since I had lacked [mature] experiences, all the minor experiences I had had were stuck with me as major familiarities.[you need to fix this prior sentence.] Then it came.

âWould seats 37 through 57 please board the plane at this time,â nonchalantly demanded the overhead speakers. She was not merciful to my feelings.

I feared look[ing] at my boarding pass to get a glance at my seat number. I knew what it was a week ago, since I had inspected the ticket almost forty times the week before[.] [But] I had never gone on a plane before, and so I was expecting to be extremely excited about this day. hen I glanced at my ticket, it was as if all of my worst fears came together. [What fears, why???] All of us slowly walked towards the entrance and towards the plane.

As soon as I boarded the plane and got in my window seat, it [what is "it"?] was all over for me. I knew I would never get to see my old way of life ever again. My memory still troubles me to think that I never have been the same ever since that experience. I was moving to the United States of America. I knew adapting to a new language, a new [set of] custom, a new way of life, new food, and new friends would be extremely difficult, but I knew what I had to [proceed or go on or do it]. []I knew I had to grow up quickly, because if I did not, I would not be able to keep up with the new life. I had so much new to learn. But, I was willing. All this was going through my mind on that lonely cold night in February in Ahmedabad, India, as the plane noisily departed the airport, climbing to 35,000 feet in a matter of minutes. I looked down as the plane ascended, watching as we passed over buildings that had lights. They were the flickering stars of Earth that will soon be forgotten in my naÃ¯ve 10 year old mind.

Now when I look back at this moment, I can unquestionably say that I have overcme all those [challenges] that I once [worried] about as the plane was ascending. I overcame the language barrier. I have became [accustomed] to the new life and custom. But, the most important change I have had is my passion for education.[reword prior sentence.] I strive to learn more. [Achieving the best I can acquire, I have had an opportunity in this country to be what I want to be, and I will not let this opportunity, as the clichÃ© goes, slip through my fingers....tighten prior sentence.] I want to continue my need [???] for education, and the next step in my chapter is college. I know I can succeed in my education, bringing my diverse knowledge into one concrete institution and applying this knowledge to further my opportunities within the greater community. My move to the United States has shaped my life, making me view education, especially, as a window to many other opportunities. I view education as a car; I view myself as the driver. And, if I am given an opportunity to get the car of my dreams, I know I can drive it to places where my opportunities will not be lost. [I would rewrite this entire last paragraph. You seem to be trying to hard. It seems clumsy.]

When I look back at this moment, I know I overcame those all those challenges I worried about as the plane as ascending. I am now fluent in English and have adapted to the American cultures and customs. One of the benefits of living in America is the availability and accessbility to higher education. I am passionate to acquire a solid education that will provide me with the knowledge and skills to pursue my dreams [whatever they might be??]. I am grateful to my parents for having moved the family to the United States where I feel I have more opportunities if I am willing to study and work hard.

Notes:

You say you were 10 years old numerous, numerous times. Once or twice ought to suffice.

Re: Can you review my college essay?

Guest — Sun, 31 Oct 2004 16:34:50 GMT

Anyone wanna comment, please? It really would be helpful.

Can you review my college essay?

Guest — Sat, 30 Oct 2004 16:13:16 GMT

First of all, thank you for attempting to read my essay. This is for my college application, so be as harsh as possible :D Thanks. Also, I think my ending is a little weak, can anyone help me on this? Thanks again.

[bold]Memorable Moment[/bold]

âBritish Airways flight 332 departing from Gate 6 is now boarding, first class passengers please come forward with your boarding passes,â called out the air stewardess on my last day. At that moment, since I was 10, I did not know any better. âMy last dayâ to me was leaving behind my friends, âmyâ life, âmyâ school, âmyâ cricket, and âmyâ country. At that moment, I did not know the emotions that were flowing within my body; I was only 10.
I stood there with my parents, my brother, my two uncles, my two aunts, and my cousin, who had knocked out my teeth by accident earlier that year. I held my passport that my dad had given to me, giving me more responsibility, and making me feel I was older. I stood there with my passport and my tiny backpack packed with a hand-help video game at the Ahmedabad International Airport in India on my last day.
Even at 10, I had realized that after I leave India, I would not be able to do the same things that I had once done. Each time I thought about the friendly, yet competitive, cricket games with my neighborhood friends against our conjoined apartments, I would want to reconsider the move. Emigration is always an extremely difficult feeling to cope with, especially for a 10 year old. Since I had lacked experiences, all the minor experiences I had had were stuck with me as major familiarities. Then it came.
âWould seats 37 through 57 please board the plane at this time,â nonchalantly demanded the overhead speakers. She was not merciful to my feelings.
I feared to look at my boarding pass to get a glance at my seat number. I knew what it was a week ago, since I had inspected the ticket almost forty times the week before; I had never gone on a plane before, and so I was expecting to be extremely excited about this day. But, when I glanced at my ticket, it was as if all of my worst fears came together. All of us slowly walked towards the entrance and towards the plane.
As soon as I boarded the plane and got in my window seat, it was all over for me. I knew I would never get to see my old way of life ever again. My memory still troubles me to think that I never have been the same ever since that experience. I was moving to the United States of America. I knew adapting to a new language, a new custom, a new way of life, new food, and new friends would be extremely difficult, but I knew what I had to do. Even at 10, I knew I had to grow up quickly, because if I did not, I would not be able to keep up with the new life. I had so much new to learn. But, I was willing. All this was going through my mind on that lonely cold night in February in Ahmedabad, India, as the plane noisily departed the airport, climbing to 35,000 feet in a matter of minutes. I looked down as the plane ascended, watching as we passed over buildings that had lights. They were the flickering stars of Earth that will soon be forgotten in my naÃ¯ve 10 year old mind.
Now when I look back at this moment, I can unquestionably say that I have overcame all those aspects that I once wondered about as the plane was ascending; I have overcame the language barrier; I have became habituated to the new life and custom. But, the most important change I have had is my passion for education. I strive to learn more, and I strive to know more. Achieving the best I can acquire, I have had an opportunity in this country to be what I want to be, and I will not let this opportunity, as the clichÃ© goes, slip through my fingers. I want to continue my need for education, and the next step in my chapter is college. I know I can succeed in my education, bringing my diverse knowledge into one concrete institution and applying this knowledge to further my opportunities within the greater community. My move to the United States has shaped my life, making me view education, especially, as a window to many other opportunities. I view education as a car; I view myself as the driver. And, if I am given an opportunity to get the car of my dreams, I know I can drive it to places where my opportunities will not be lost.