ESL Essay, Writing World

Re: Anyone outthere can correct my essay?

anon1 — Tue, 16 Nov 2004 16:10:25 GMT

My friend Sam is living with his parents, though he has an ideal job and earns a reasonable income. "I will live with my parents until I am married," Sam claimed. Actually, there are a lot of people like Sam who are living with their parents in our city. Some people like to live with their parents because they can get great comforts [I might use "benefits" instead] and save money. However, they do not like the loss of freedom that results when they live with their parents.

The most important reason why people live with their parents is that they can get great comforts [benefits]. When they live with their parents, their parents will usually cook for them and wash their clothes. If they get sick, their parents will look after them so that they can recover quickly. Sometimes, although they may also do some housework so as to avoid being looked [at] as a selfish person, they still have a lot time [for] watching television, listening to music or whatever they want to do. Furthermore, saving money is also another reason why people live with their parents.[make into an active setence: Furthermore, people live with their parents to save money.] Over the past ten years, living cost in Vancouver has sharply increased. It is difficult for a person who just gets a job to pay off house cost, tax, and so on. Living with their parents, they do not have to worry about rent and utilities. Without considering living costs, they can use their extra money to buy anything they want such as a nice car.

[I might take everything from the sentence "Furthermore..." onwards and move it to a separate paragraph. The prior sentences discuss various benefits. But from "furthermore onwards" it is all about money. So I might group the money stuff on one paragraph by itself.]

However, people who live with their parents may lose [some] freedom [in certain levels--delete doesn't add any value]. As we know, parents always want their children to behave [in their own way, I would write, "in a certain way"]; once young people decide to live with their parents, they have to obey their pa[r]ents or to bear their parentsâ constant chatter [or, "criticisms"]. As my friend Sam said, he has sacrificed his freedom.

Since every individual has to deal with different circumstances, we will not make the same decision whether to live with our parents or not.[prior sentence is nonsensical. Of course, you will make the decision.] As for me, I prefer to live with my parents because they are getting old, and so it is my duty to take care of them.

Hope my comments helps. I think you are almost done.

MountainHiker

Re: Anyone outthere can correct my essay?

zackzhou — Tue, 16 Nov 2004 11:21:05 GMT

hi Mountainhiker, thank you so much, I really appreciate the help you gave me. actually, I'm a university student in Vancouver and preparing for a writing exam required by my school. Since English is not my mother touge, I often make a lot of mistakes in my writting. I'm trying to rewrite my finishing paragraph as the best I can do, and I wish to get your help again.
thanks a lot

My friend Sam is living with his parents, though he has an ideal job and earns a reasonable income. â I will live with my parents until I am married,â Sam claimed. Actually, there are a lot of people like Sam who are living with their parents in our city. Some people like to live with their parents because they can get great comforts and save money. However, they do not like the loss of freedom that results when they live with their parents.

The most important reason why people live with their parents is that they can get great comforts. When they live with their parents, their parents will usually cook for them and wash their clothes. If they get sick, their parents will look after them so that they can recover quickly. Sometimes, although they may also do some housework so as to avoid being looked as a selfish person, they still have a lot of time watching television, listening to music or whatever they want to do. Furthermore, saving money is also another reason why people live with their parents. Over the past ten years, living cost in Vancouver has sharply increased. It is difficult for a person who just gets a job to pay off house cost, tax, and so on. Living with their parents, they do not have to worry about rent and utilities. Without considering living costs, they can use their extra money to buy anything they want such as a nice car.

However, people who live with their parents may lose freedom in certain levels. As we know, parents always want their children to behave in their own way; once young people decide to live with their parents, they have to obey their patents or to bear their parentsâ constant chatter. As my friend Sam said, he has sacrificed his freedom.

Since every individual has to deal with different circumstances, we will not make the same decision whether to live with our parents or not. As for me, I prefer to live with my parents because they are getting old, and so it is my duty to take care of them.

Re: Anyone outthere can correct my essay?

anon1 — Sat, 13 Nov 2004 17:01:13 GMT

Hi Zackhou,

Can you tell us more about your essay? I trust you are an adult living in Vancouver Canada? This essay is for an English class?

My friend Sam is living with his parents, though he has an ideal job and earns a reasonable income. âI will live with my parents until I am married,â Sam claimed. Actually, there are a lot people like Sam who are living with their parents in our city Vancouver. Some people like to live with their parents because they can get great comforts and save money. However, they donât like the loss of freedom that results when they live with their parents.

You end up by saying âSome people likeâ¦â so your next sentence should be ââ¦donât likeâ¦â to keep the symmetry.

The most important reason why people live with their parents is that they can get great comforts. When they live with their parents, their parents will usually cook for them and wash their clothes. If they get sick, their parents will look after them so that they can recover quickly. Sometimes, although they may also do some housework so as to avoid being looked as a selfish person, they still have a lot of time watching television, listening to music or whatever they want to do.

Saving money is also another reason why people live with their parents. Over the past ten years, living cost in Vancouver has sharply increased; it is difficult for a person who just gets a job to pay off house cost, tax, and so on.[run-on sentence] Living with their parents, they do not have to worry about rent, water, electricity, and gas charge[maybe just ârent and utilities?]. Without considering living costs, they can use their extra money to buy anything they want such as a shiny [new?] car.

Try to combine these two prior paragraphs into one paragraph. That way, you have one paragraph for living with your parents. And one paragraph for living away from your parents.

However, people who live with their parents often complain that they lose some freedom [in certain levelsâunnecessary]. As we know, parents always want their children to behave in their own way; once young people decide to live with their parents, they have to obey their patents or to bear their parentsâ constant chatter. As my friend Sam said, he has sacrificed his freedom.

Living with parents or moving out, no matter what decision you make, it just depends on yourself.[prior sentence seems awkward to me] If you think the advantages of living with parents outweigh the disadvantages, you can do that. [your essay should end with a stronger finishing paragraph and sentence.]

You need to tighten up your sentence structure throughout your essay.

Try revising and reposting your essay.

MountainHiker

Anyone outthere can correct my essay?

zackzhou — Sat, 13 Nov 2004 08:14:53 GMT

hi there. I'm new to here and wondering if anyone can correct my essay.
thanks in advance

Discuss the advantages and the disadvantages of living with your parents

My friend Sam is living with his parents, though he has an ideal job and a decent pay; â I will live with my parents until I am married.â Sam claimed. Actually, there are a certain number of people like Sam living with their parents in our city. Some people like to live with their parents because they can get great comforts and save money. However, they may lose a little freedom when they live with their parents.

The most important reason why people live with their parents is that they can get great comforts. When they live with their parents, their parents will usually cook for them and wash their clothes. If they get sick, their parents will look after them so that they can recover quickly. Sometimes, although they may also do some housework so as to avoid being looked as a selfish person, they still have a lot of time watching television, listening to music or whatever they want to do.

Saving money is also another reason why people live with their parents. Over the past ten years, living cost in Vancouver has sharply increased; it is difficult for a person who just gets a job to pay off house cost, tax, and so on. Living with their parents, they do not have to worry about rent, water, electricity, and gas charge. Without considering living costs, they can use their extra money to buy anything they want such as a shiny car.

However, people who live with their parents often complain that they lose freedom in certain levels. As we know, parents always want their children to behave in their own way; once young people decide to live with their parents, they have to obey their patents or to bear their parentsâ constant chatter. As my friend Sam said, he has sacrificed his freedom.

Living with parents or moving out, no matter what decision you make, it just depends on yourself. If you think the advantages of living with parents outweigh the disadvantages, you can do that.