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Re: Message from John Cleese

Anonymous — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 07:57:03 GMT

The response from the United States of America to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

Message from Her Majesty the Queen.

   â¢   Let us start with your header, the use of Majesty. Here is how it is derived: After the fall of Rome, Majesty was used to describe a Monarch of the very highest rank - indeed, it was generally applied to God. The title was then also assumed by Monarchs of great powers as an attempt at self-praise and despite a supposed lower royal style as a King or Queen, who would thus often be called "His or Her Royal Majesty." The first English king to be styled Majesty was Henry VIII.
   â¢   We can't stand people that think of themselves as Gods. And technically it would be Goddess in this case. "Goddess" have you even seen a picture of your queen.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

   â¢   Yes we sure do elect some bad presidents but that is what you get when you stop inbreeding the "Royal" blood line and end up with nit wits like your son. We like to see change occur every once in awhile. It is expected that we will elect a bad one every now and again but we will just elect another president. You on the other hand are stuck with your nit wits.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she
does not fancy).

   â¢   "Monarchial duties", What is that? What does she do, exactly? Oh, I forgot. "Nothing" So we will gladly let her do her duties. We just won't pay her unless she does something useful. And it figures that she would not want Kansas, that is where a lot of strong pioneering women come from in our history. Pioneering implies that she must do something.

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.

   â¢   Wow, you are a deluded country. If you have not noticed, "The People" rule here, Congress and the Senate just try to keep us happy so they can keep their jobs. And as for the questionnaire if we are happy, we will not notice. If we are not happy, and we do not have the congress or senate to blame, You Will Notice.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

   â¢   So, you think that our authority was conferred to us by you. You gave us the rite to be the United States of America.
   â¢   You should pick up a history book, WE TOOK IT. We will let you know when we want to GIVE it back. Unless you think you can take it back. LOL. Like that would be possible, You can't defend yourselves let alone attack anybody. It might behoove you to remember. The only freedoms you have are the freedoms you can defend. We're Good. How about you?

1.Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

   â¢   noun, adjective Chiefly British - "We are Not British"

2.The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour",
"labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut"
without skipping half the letters,? and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced
by the suffix '-ise'.? Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels.? (look up "vocabulary").

OK, You are starting to sound like the French. Do you really want to be associated with the French?

3.Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let ***
know on your behalf. The *** spell-checker will be adjusted to take
into account the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of -ize.

   â¢   You still using Microsoft, we moved on to Apple, Linux, etc... And using "like" and "you know" is extremely efficient to educated people. For example; The British are becoming "like" the French. And that implies, "You know".
   â¢   See rather than write paragraphs the thought was expressed in a simple statement.

4.July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

   â¢   What, is it to embarrassing for you. I think we will keep it, unless you can take it. LOL

5.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used
for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

   â¢   Nice try, but we can still kick your butts without the guns. They call our lawyers, sharks, for a reason. They eat their prey, go ahead take them on. Our therapists make them feel better after kicking your butts. And as far as only shooting grouse. If you didn't already kill every other animal in the forests that you no longer have, you might actually be able to go hunting. When is the last time you saw a deer in the woods in your country?

6.Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

   â¢   A vegetable peeler will be just fine. By the way do you grow potatoes, carrots, or anything that requires a vegetable peeler. Didn't think so, you have to "farm" for that. And that is just so beneath you. Just keep buying our food.

7.All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.

   â¢   Oh my God(Majesty), you are using that to better us. No wonder you lost your kingdom. Oh we have a "horse" if you want to sell your kingdom. We might even give you two horses.
   â¢   And we understand the British sense of humor. To laugh you must smile, to smile you must have nice "Teeth". "You Know"

8.The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

   â¢   Jealous? Remember that whole "No taxation without representation" thing. You should look into it.

9.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

   â¢   For someone who "used" to have India, you think that you might have learned something about spices. All you got out of that era was vinegar. Come on, go through the Chunnel to France and start learning how to cook. If we take any criticism about our food it will have to come from France.

10.The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for
pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for
them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that
all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

   â¢   Ok, Our beer sucks but if we are going to take criticism about it, Germany will have to do it.

11.Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four
Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.

   â¢   Stick to Documentaries, your country is incapable of producing entertainment movies. You don't laugh, you don't cry, you don't feel, and you think that you can entertain a populace. It would be "akin" to watching black and white, silent movies. Again, go to France, India, Germany, even Japan. But in the end, I think it would be best if you just make Documentaries.

12.You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby -
the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

   â¢   You just don't get entertainment. Yep, we Americans are going to go nuts over watching guys in shorts run around the field for 3 hours and maybe make a score. There might even be an upset match of 2-1. The excitement of it all has me watering at the mouth. And when we are done being thrilled by the game we can switch the channel to watch a bunch of guys piled on top of each other move around on the ground for another three hours. Look up sarcasm in the Oxford English dictionary.
   â¢   Don't worry though, an american can fix it. In soccer, you need to have more excitement. Switch the goalie to a girl and after each successful goal, that goalie must remove an article of clothing. No more of those 1-0 matches, from my figuring almost all matches will be, 10-9 or 10-8. Rugby is easy, just switch to girls, we will never turn the channel.

13.Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is under standable. You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.

   â¢   First get your facts straight, if you learned to do proper research, you would know that Toronto, as in the Toronto Blue Jays, is not with in our countries borders.
   â¢   Second, of course we know their is a world outside of our borders, we supply it with food, we keep it employed by buying its products, and we get a laugh at them when they try and criticize us.

14.You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

   â¢   Hell, we thought you did it. Come on you can tell us.

15.An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

   â¢   Ok, but you must pay all our Social Security benefits, Welfare Benefits, Wic Benefits, and government subsidies back dated to 1776. Want to call that one even? Else, you might owe us some money. We will send the lawyers over.

16.Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.

   â¢   Ok that confirms it. You are pansies.

God Save the Queen!

   â¢   If you weren't paying attention, according to you, God is the Queen. Let her save herself. But if she did that you would have to call her an American.

PS: Go ahead and share this with your friends in the USA (those with a good
sense of humour and NOT humor.)

   â¢   PS. Go ahead and share this with your friends in the UK (those with a good sense of humor. oops my mistake, there are none) I would go on but, "You Know"

win / wins and keep / keeps

Creativeguru — Tue, 20 May 2008 10:17:12 GMT

Delhi win, keep semifinal hope alive.This is the headline on the FrontPage of newspaper (article regarding cricket)I am perplexed that if it should be 'win' or 'wins' and if it is win then it should be 'keep' or 'keeps', I am sure that the leading newspaper won't commit grammar mistake and that also on the front page heading. So please explain me and clear my doubtsThanks in advance

win / wins and keep / keeps

Creativeguru — Tue, 20 May 2008 10:15:54 GMT

Delhi win, keep semifinal hope alive.

This is the headline on the frontpage of newspaper(article regarding cricket)

I am perplexed that if it should be 'win' or 'wins' and if it is win then it should be 'keep' or 'keeps', I am sure that the leading newspaper won't commit grammar mistake and that also on the front page heading. So please explain me and clear my doubts

Thanks in adance

Re: Please edit this for me!

Ashish Tiwari — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 19:42:02 GMT

Hello Hoa Thai!

I did not understand your question fully, but I'll try to answer based on my interpretation of what you have asked.

Firstly, I think you are confusing 'test match' with completely unrelated terms like 'semi-final match' or 'elimination match' etcetera. It's not a name given to special games in a tournament like 'the final match' etcetera.

Actually, the game of cricket is played in three forms that are officially recognized by the ICC (International Cricket Council) - Test Cricket, One-day Cricket and Twenty20 Cricket.

Test Cricket is the original form of cricket. One-day Cricket began in the early 1970s and Twenty20 is a modern day phenomenon that became popular in England in the early years of this decade and was officially recognized last year only.

A game of cricket played according to the rules and regulations of Test Cricket over a period of 5 days or fewer (depends on the match situation, but maximum 5 days) is called a test match. It's a gruelling format that is a real test for a player's mental and physical strength.

Coming to First Class Cricket, it's a term that includes a lot of things.

There are 10 full members of the ICC. Five Days matches between any two of those are called 'test matches'.

The ICC has 33 Associate Members and 58 Affiliate Members. Even if any two of these countries play a 5-day cricket match exactly as per the rules of Test Cricket with permission of the ICC, it's called a 'first class match', though they usually play 3 or 4 Days' matches only.

Domestic Five Days' matches organised by boards (that are recognized by the ICC) in their respective countries are also called 'first class matches'. Even Three Days' cricket matches (not an official form of cricket) are called 'first class matches'.

When any of the Full Members tours another Full Member, the team usually plays Three Days warm-up games with a few chosen domestic teams and those are also called 'first class matches'!

The ICC organises a tournament called 'The Intercontinental Cup' for the Associate Members. Those matches as also classified as 'first class'.

There may be more types of cricket matches that are classified as 'first class matches', but I can't recollect!

Must all national cricket teams participate in the Test matches before they can take part in the 'first-class cricket' tournament? Can they get a by?

Actually, as you must have noticed, 'test matches' are only for a privileged few! They are reserved for the Full Members of the ICC. The Associate Members always play 'first class cricket' only. It's the reverse of what you're thinking. The Associate Members have to play a lot of first class cricket before they are granted the 'Test' status! And no, there is no other way to get the coveted 'Test' status.

I hope I was able to explain. It's great to know that you are interested in cricket! If you have any more queries, you can always message me!

Here are a few wikipedia articles on cricket that will clarify things for you!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cricket#One-day_cricket

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Cricket_Council

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First-class_cricket

Cheers!

Re: Please edit this for me!

Ashish Tiwari — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 15:02:36 GMT

Hello Goodman!

Actually, I find your English quite fluent when you are in the defensive mood!

Thanks for the compliment! I am being defensive because I know my limitations in the English language. Though I have learnt English primarily through grammar books, magazines, newspapers, books etcetera, I am aware that I am not really good when it comes expressing my thoughs exactly the way I feel them in the written form of the language. And that is the reason why, as you rightly pointed out, I did not get the 'tone' right in my second post on the thread.

I know you are more experienced than I and if you think that I was being argumentative, then I have no option but to agree with you. I don't know what I did wrongly and though I tried hard, I could not figure out exactly what made the tone unfavourable. Please understand that I am not a native speaker and it's really not that easy for non-native speakers to get the right tone every time they use the language.

I can't really be called fluent if I cannot express myself the way I want to, can I? I guess that pretty much explains why I am being defensive.

I guess the message I was trying to bring to you was you need to learn to realize the tone of the statement is louder than the words you chose. You may not know it.

I realise that the tone of my statement wasn't exactly great, but how - I can't seem to understand! I'll try my best to learn how to get the tone right. And yes, you are right, I did not know how wrong my tone was.

And since I did not realise that my tone was not right, it was obvious that I thought you were reading too much into it!

Believe or not, I actually was working on your thread. Halfway through, I lost the motivation.

Surely, it wasn't that bad a piece of writing for you to lose the motivation to comment on it!

But is cricket really the 2nd most favorite sport? I seriously doubted.

I did not believe it either when I read it on wikipedia.com! Okay, I concede that it should have been - it's 'thought to be' the second most popular sport in the world after Football. A lot of it can be explained by the fact that it's the only sport that Indians (more than a bllion in population) care about! In fact, the nation is crazy about cricket!

Here's the wikipedia article - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cricket

Well, I guess without my participating on your thread, the world still evolves and other would still answer your questions.

Well, I guess I have really turned you off! I really did not intend to annoy you or anything like that. I have already apolologized, and I apologize again. But I really do feel that you could have been a bit softer in the way you expressed your criticism of me and, believe me, it stung!

I see no point in harbouring bitterness. I would love to see your replies to my questions. Really, if you give me enough time and give yourself enough of my posts to base your judgement on, I am quite sure that you'll realise that I am not as bad as I seem to be! Let's bury the hatchet, shall we?

See you!

Re: Please edit this for me.

Verade — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 17:00:53 GMT

I don't know cricket at all! I speak USA English, so I will only point out one article change and leave idiom alone. Write: "the fact remains that spectators...", not 'that the spectators..."

Please edit this for me.

Ashish Tiwari — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 07:41:07 GMT

Hello everyone!

I request you to kindly edit the passage below. I think I haven't use the definite article correctly in some places.

T20 Cricket has announced its advent on the cricketing firmament with a bang, what with the T20 World Cup proving to be an enormous success, way beyond expectations. It has found many takers in those who like it fast and furious and hence, has appealed to a much broader spectrum of spectators.

Critics contend that it is nothing but degradation of cricket and view it as a threat to Test and ODI Cricket. It may well be true, at least for ODI Cricket. What do you think? Will one-dayers survive in the face of T20's rising popularity? Is it really 'bad' cricket, or not even cricket?

Whatever may be the consequences for the other forms of the game, the fact remains that the spectators around the world have lapped up the shorter and spicier 'new cricket' dished out to them. It may as well help globalise cricket. What say?

Whatever you or the critics may have to say, T20 is here to stay!

Cheers!

Most probably, you don't know what the passage is about. If you want to, just say so!

PS - Kindly point out any mistake that you find in anything that I have written other than the passage as well.

Re: "percent of (the or without the) Nation people": a mystery in Google hi

Cool Breeze — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 08:44:52 GMT

Hi Teleostomi

I suggest you forget all about Google. Since there are millions of German people, Australian people etc., you don't need the article when you refer to them all in a general sense:

German people are said to be hard-working. (I would prefer: Germans are said...)

If the reference is to a specific group, the is usually needed. In the following sentence the relative clause is the grammatical reason for the:

The German people who were interviewed hadn't seen the accident. (Again also: The Germans who were...)

You do need the article if you use an adjective as a plural noun:

The Chinese eat a lot of rice.
The British like watching cricket.

Cf. The rich like money.

It has become acceptable to use an adjective like Chinese without an article (and the word people) in expressions such as:
We saw a lot of Chinese [people] there.

CB

Re: England breaks Sri Lanka jinx

Jackson6612 — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 14:13:51 GMT

Bluepalms wrote:
In which content does that sentence appear?
Is it a title of a sports-article?

But let me guess:
If it is about cricket, then the sentence means, that England have beaten Sri Lanka for the first time after some years or so.
jinx is a synonym for spell
Losing all the time against the same team is not understandable for some people, so they claim that their team was jinxed.
That's how people were like in the Middle Age for example (no offense, merely telling a fact).

Cheers,
Bluepalms

Hi BluePalms,

You are correct. Thanks for your help.

Best wishes, Jackson

Re: England breaks Sri Lanka jinx

Bluepalms — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 13:36:43 GMT

In which content does that sentence appear?
Is it a title of a sports-article?

But let me guess:
If it is about cricket, then the sentence means, that England have beaten Sri Lanka for the first time after some years or so.
jinx is a synonym for spell
Losing all the time against the same team is not understandable for some people, so they claim that their team was jinxed.
That's how people were like in the Middle Age for example (no offense, merely telling a fact).

Cheers,
Bluepalms