Re: Essay for Toefl 2

Grammar Geek — Mon, 05 May 2008 01:35:19 GMT

HI Doll,

Describe one event from your country's history, and explain why it was important. Provide clear explanations and details in supoort of your answer. (This is supposed to be a descriptive essay.)

The Gallipoli Campaign still has its memories vivid in our minds although 86 years passed ~~after it~~.It was not only important for Turkey, but also for the other countries including France, Germany, England and Italy.

Starting in 1915, the Gallipoli Campaign was one of the most bloody wars in history. Approximately 53.000 soldiers from Turkey and 111.000 soldiers from other countries fought in this war. One aspect of this war was that there were naval attacks, landings and ~~the~~ air assaults ~~were done ( can I say done~~? not really ) which meant more loss of life.

There are different reasons for the Gallipoli Campaign but ~~if we want to count,~~ the more important ones are these: ( can I count things like that in an essay? Sure) First, the Ottoman Empire had lost Trablusgarp and Bingazi and wanted to gain those lands back; second, (I have no idea about pronunciation. Is it correct? And do I have to count first, second, third respectively? Yes, first, second, third...) England and France wanted to conquer Istanbul; third, Russia needed help via the Bosphours to gain her power back; fourth, Turkey trusted Germany and her power and had high expectations ~~was in a high expectation~~ of winning the war; and finally, ~~fifth,~~ Istanbul was under attack and Turkey was in a complete danger "complete danger" doesn't work - perhaps "was facing the possibility of invasion" or something like that.

No matter what the reasons were, it had no side to be proud of perhaps "neither side could be proud of the resutls.". ~~As well as other soldiers,~~ It affected innocent civilians, not only soldiers ~~too~~. ~~Aside from the great success of soldiers,~~ Turkish civilians showed great courage ~~as well~~. Argh. I'm not sure how to rewrite that. There are too many "as well" and the soldiers are repeated twice. Maybe "The war affected others besides the soldiers -- innocent civilians showed great courage along with their military counterparts"? Even women got involved in the war volutarily. They carried heavy stones and guns on their back and they helped soldiers as snipers. When they ran out of guns, they fought one-on-one with enemies. ~~Maybe just because of this~~ For this reason alone, we can count Gallipoli ~~Campaign~~ as one of the rarest wars in this world.

Gallipoli Campaign left plight ? memories on the others too. For example, Anzacs were just the victims of destiny. This was had nothing to do with them but they had to be involved on other countries' will. Both sides lost numerous soldiers in this war and both sides were really affected badly by poverty, hunger and illnesses during the war.

As with all wars, Gallipoli Campaign has some good? positive? results too. The first of them is that the Turkish people gained courage by defeating enemies despite their poverty~~poorness~~, lack of men and guns. Second, M.K. Ataturk's celebrity and success spread all around the world;( Does it spread? yes, that's fine, but use periods not semi-colons to seperate them) Third, Istanbul wasn't conquered. On the negative side, F~~ourth, unfortunately~~ Turkey ~~gave~~ suffered a big losses and most important, it lost its brains not sure what you mean? they lost their best and brightest? Either way, end with a period. Russia couldn't get enoguh help and was deprived of its aid so she couldn't help Europe.I'm not sure about what you mean here? It left Russia in a weakened position?

The year is 2008 and the effects of the war still lingers in Gallipoli. The cemeteries of Anzacs and soldiers from Europe are now turned into an open museum and the gates of Dardanelles are open to their grandsons.

I felt a bit off-topic. Am I really? I think it would be good to talk about the effects that linger - perhaps on Turkish national identity, or what could have happened if the war had gone differently? I'm not seeing a strong connection to the current state of affairs.

I know I made a bunch of changes, but this is not very far off from what I would expect from an American student. Use more periods and fewer semi-colons! :)

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Re: Essay for Toefl 2