it's my second draft. please give me any advice. i want it to be natural to read. expression,grammar(especially, pronoun is difficult), punctuation marks etc.. this is my first trial of english composition.

hi :) i'm from south korea. i search for here and come to post this, to have some advice about my writing. it is so difficult to write something in english, because it isn't my mother tongue. but, now i have to write short