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IELTS practice- please comment on my poor essay!

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 12:11:32 GMT

Present a written argument or case to an educated non-specialist
audience on the following topic.

The private motor vehicle has greatly improved individual freedom of movement. Moreover,the automobile has become a status symbol.
Yet the use of private motor vehivles has contributed to some od today's most serious problems.

How can the use of private motor vehicles be reduced?

You should write at least 250 words.

To reduce the usage of private motor vehicles, I think promotion of the usage of train and political plan to make train/bus friendly town are necessary.

The average life style of the people lives in country side has changed from my childhood. I live in the middle population city and near the station. My neighborhood used to be so crowded with the people who come to shopping and eating, it was sometimes even difficult to walk though the main street because of the crowed. However, things has changed a lot since then, the main street is not crowded anymore and able to go though by bicycle, not the few shops closed and the shutter never opened again, which makes the street less attractive. People moved to a big shopping mole with large parking space for shopping and dinning out. Once they obtained private vehicle, they go where parking fee is free and easy to drive to. Even the public hospital, library has moved to out side of city centre, sometimes unable to reach there by train, which helped the motor vehicle society progress.

It is, for some reason, feels uncomfortable to say I do not own a car to someone. First time I drove to Kobe by myself with friend, I felt like I am an adult, car was like a wing to me because I thought I can go anywhere I want to. I do not deny the convenience and advantages of the car but this is one of the cause of global warming, city congestion, and air pollution.

If the car owner calculate the whole fee for fuel, insurance, parking, vehicle body and compensatory payment from the accident you killed someone, this might be the best way to reduce the private car usage.

Re: Tobacco

julielai — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 10:00:23 GMT

I've highlighted a few things for you to fix.

flash2008

Is this life quite long, so there is a need to shrink it? Most people donât think so. However a great deal of people does bad habits that harms their life and health. ~~Nowadays~~ many researches have confirmed the strong link between tobacco and cancers, but the number of smokers is still very high. The proportion of the male adult global population smokers almost half OâConnel (2006, 105).Although, the link between cancer and smoking, many teens worldwide smoke, it is around one in five OâConnel (2006, 105).However, the cigarettes factories and tobacco companies have different opinion about smoking. ~~They have large business and great deal of consumers.~~ This essay will talk about the advantages and disadvantages of smoking.
The first motivation of smoking is that smoking is a life style choice, or in other words it is fashionable. So many people smoke in the first place to be stylish. The movies used to show actors smoke in many occasions, Moreover a number of popular people smoke in public. The pleasure could be seen as advantage of smoking. People some time smoke to feel happy. Using smoking to relax is another reason ~~for smoking which is very popular advantage as the smokers says~~. Finally, the most important thing about smoking is making business. The tobacco business is very huge and there are many tobacco factories. In result, many people work in that field .~~moreover, Tobacco is the main product of some countries and especially the poor countries~~. Also, tobacco trade gives a great deal of tax to governments which make it a respectable business.
On the other hand, the tobacco (the act, not the product) has countless of disadvantages. Firstly, it causes diseases .The first time smoking was linked to cancer was in 1951 OâConnel (2006, 105).It cause several type of cancer such as lung cancer, oral cavity cancer and laryngeal cancer besides emphysema, chronic bronchitis .The cigarette contains 4000 toxic chemicals with over 40 of them being known as carcinogens. After all of these diseases what does not make people quit? ~~The~~ addiction ~~is the thing~~. Actually addiction is very complicated ~~point of smoking especially between tobacco companies and society organizations~~. Addiction guarantees long term business for tobacco companies ~~and great deal of consumers~~. In fact, tobacco companies did not admit the smoking is addictive. However, is ~~the~~ smoking harm the smokers only?, Unfortunately, no. ~~Every day there is a new disadvantage of smoking.~~ Passive smoking is ~~breathing in of air that contains other people's smoke which~~ harms nonsmokers too. As a result of that many cities banned smoking in public places. ~~The most annoyed issue is recruit young people .it is very harmful for community and it should be banned.~~
In conclusion, smoking does not have advantage as much as disadvantages. Many countries have banned smoking in public places which is a good move. In anotherâs opinion, banning smoking in most places is the best way to reduce the number of smokers and that can be done by banning smoking in all closed places. Moreover prevent selling cigarettes to young people could reduce smokers number in the future. Bibliography:OâConnel (2006).focus on IELTS, Pearson Longman.

Could you please help me with the introduction of this essay?

bmatt — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 15:36:26 GMT

Question: Should experiments be conducted on animals for the benefit of human beings?

My introduction paragraph is like this:

According to the recent research, there are 50 to 100 million of animals worldwide , from Zebra-fish to non-human primates, are used in scientific experiments. Yet at the same time, whether human should conduct experiment on animals is subject to much debate. Some one think it is beneficial for human while others argue that it should be band. I agree with the former view, but with reservations.

Could you please help me to review and give me some suggestions?

Many Thanks,

Matt

Tobacco

flash2008 — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 20:56:15 GMT

Is this life quite long, so there is a need to shrink it? Most people donât think so. However a great deal of people does bad habits harms their life and health. Nowadays many researches have confirmed the strong link between tobacco and cancers, but the number of smokers still very high. The proportion of the male adult global population smokers almost half OâConnel (2006, 105).Although, the link between cancer and smoking, many teens worldwide smoke, it is around one in five OâConnel (2006, 105).However, the cigarettes factories and tobacco companies have different opinion about smoking. They have large business and great deal of consumers. This essay will talk about advantages and disadvantages of smoking.

The first motivation of smoking is that smoking is a life style choice or in other words it is fashionable. So many people smoke in the first place to be stylish. The movies used to show actors smoke in many occasions, Moreover a number of popular people smoke in public. The pleasure could be seen as advantage of smoking. People some time smoke to feel happy. Feeling relax is another reason for smoking which is very popular advantage as the smokers says. Finally, the most important thing about smoking is making business. The smoking business is very huge and there are many tobacco factories. In result, many people work in that field .moreover, Tobacco is the main product of some countries and especially the poor countries. Also, tobacco trade gives a great deal of tax to governments which make it respectable business.

On the other hand, the tobacco has countless of disadvantages. Firstly, it causes diseases .The first time smoking was linked to cancer was in 1951 OâConnel (2006, 105).It cause several type of cancer such as lung cancer, oral cavity cancer and laryngeal cancer besides emphysema, chronic bronchitis .The cigarette contains 4000 toxic chemicals with over 40 of them being known carcinogens. After all of these diseases what does not make people quit? The addiction is that thing. Actually addiction is very complicated point of smoking especially between tobacco companies and society organizations. Addiction guarantees long term business for companies and great deal of consumers. In fact, tobacco companies did not admit the smoking is addictive. However, is the smoking harm the smokers only?, Unfortunately, no. Every day there is a new disadvantage of smoking. Passive smoking is breathing in of air that contains other people's smoke which harms nonsmokers too. As result of that many cities banned smoking in public places. The most annoyed issue is recruit young people .it is very harmful for community and it should be banned.

In conclusion, smoking does not have advantage as much as disadvantages. Many countries have banned smoking in public places which is a good move. In anotherâs opinion, banning smoking in most places is the best way to reduce number of smokers and that can be done by banning smoking in all closed places. Moreover prevent selling cigarettes to young people could reduce smokers number in the future. Bibliography:OâConnel (2006).focus on IELTS, Pearson Longman.

Could you please help me to correct my essay?

bmatt — Wed, 28 May 2008 16:15:05 GMT

Could you please correct and comments on my writting? this is for IELTS writting task 2. Many thanks!!

Question: Computers do not help children to learn more effectively. On the contrary, their usage has a negative effect on both the physical and metal development of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

I partly agree with the point expressed. I would like to ague that the computer does improve the childrenâs learning efficiency in a large scale. The computer can offer learning materials over various media to help children to learn faster, and even more importantly, in a fun way.

However, computer can be danger to childrenâs health due to the âunergonomicâ design.Without paying too much attention to their body posture, children could develop RSI (Repetitive Strain Injury) after long time of using a computer. Also, the light of the monitor harmful for eyesight because it is very strong and the screen is blinking in a high frequency. Ones eyesight will decrease if constantly starring at the computer screen.

Moreover, children can be easily misled by inappropriate game contents of computer. There are many sexual and violence related computer games in the market. By watching and playing with them, children tend to simulate the characters in the game, and that could led to serious crimes. Another drawback of computer is that it does not help children to develop communication skills. It is not like in reality, there is no face-to-face communications within a cyber world, and children cannot feel othersâ touches and emotion changes through computer equipments.

In conclusion, my opinion is that the computer can be an excellent tool to help children on effective learning. Yet the same time, it has many disadvantages. Children should only use computer with accompany of adults in order to avoid the abuse of it.

Need some help in regards to my IELTS practice essay

buby25 — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 10:38:36 GMT

Hey everyone,

My IELTS exam will be in April. I was born and raised in Germany butI lived in the States for about 4 years. Well anyways, currently I am studying for the exam. I wrote an essay and want to hear some opinions about it. Fact is, there have been some heated discussions about the topic. Some of my friends said I missed the topic, others said I didnt.

Here is the subject:

Some businesses now say that no one can smoke cigarettes in any of their offices. Some governments have banned smoking in all public places. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons.

Some people said I was supposed to agree or disagree to whether smoking has been banned in offices and public places. I thought I had to agree or disagree to a smoking ban in general. Let me know what you guys think.

Oh and here is the essay, maybe someone has any suggestions on how to write or summarize it better. I did try to put in my personal experience as a nurse.

With the appearance of the first law restricting smoking in public places in 1973, the smoking ban is one of the most heated debate throughout the world.

Restricting the places where people can smoke is a constant reminder to the public that smoking remains the leading preventable cause of death worldwide, and that its effects spread far beyond the smoker. According to the World Health Organization passive smoking increases health risks such as cardiovascular disease and premature death in non-smokers. Children are especially vulnerable to tobacco smoke.

Being a non-smoker I agree to smoking bans in certain settings, such as workplaces and enclosed public spaces, mainly on the grounds of hygiene and safety.

I believe smoking restrictions in workplaces, for example, protects workers from harmful effects of second hand smoke and subsequently reduces the absenteeism from smoking and passive smoking diseases. In addition, bans of smoking improves work productivity and reduces the risk of fires in areas where flammable materials are stored or handled. It is scientifically proven that non-smoking in bars and restaurants improves the air quality and cleanliness of such establishments.

Research and my experience as a nurse have shown that smoking bans reduce smoking overall. For many people it is a hassle to walk or drive to the nearest designated smoking area, they consume less tobacco and eventually quit smoking.

The physical and medical consequences of active and passive smoking are immense. It is important for everyone to understand why it is necessary to prevent smoking in public places. There is no doubt that smoking bans will always be criticised. I think, in order for this law to be successfully implemented into our society, it has to be strongly enforced by local authorities worldwide.

Thanks for the help!!

Re: IELTS essay: A governmentâs role is only to provide defence capability and urban infrastructure (roads, water supplies, etc.). All other services (education, health, social security) should be provided by private groups or individuals in the community

FirstStrike — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 08:09:57 GMT

Thanks for your comments. It's very kind of you to spend your valuable time helping me correct my essay. Thank you again. Best wishes to you Mister Micawber!

Re: IELTS essay: A governmentâs role is only to provide defence capability and urban infrastructure (roads, water supplies, etc.). All other services (education, health, social security) should be provided by private groups or individuals in the community.

Mister Micawber — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 05:13:57 GMT

I have underlined some problem areas (mostly regarding word choice). In addition, I don't believe you have presented a clear and detailed argument. It would be wiser to select only one side of the question and defend that more vigorously:

There is no doubt that a government plays an important part in developing one country. Some people hold a position that a government should not only build roads, control the national military, and provide water for its citizens but also provide all other services. However, others stand a very different ground. This essay will outline some arguments for and against the importance of a governmentâs role in providing services for its people.

There are good reasons why some people believe that politicians should provide all services for the society. First of all, people pay the tax to bring the government come into existence and maintain its operation. Therefore, they deserve to get all services which are provided by the government. The second point usually made is that only the government could provide some fundamental services. Authorities could require the inhabitants to join the army when the nationâs interest is seriously threatened, for example, in order to protect its country. Politicians could also send troops to protect people when emergency situations occur: tsunami, floods, and forest fires, to name but a few.

However, it is more likely that elected officials should only pay attention to some services and let the citizens take part in developing the country. To begin with, it is generally believed that it would be a waste of money if the government had to manage a wide range of services. A lot of people would be employed in order to operate these businesses, meaning that people would have to pay more and more taxes. Furthermore, it is often claimed that the quality of services which are provided by democracies is not as high as expected. As a consequence of this, it would be wise to encourage private companies to join the market and provide some services which do not relate to national security such as entertainment, arts and so on.

In conclusion, it cannot be denied that the governmentâs role in providing services for the society is very important; however, it would be essential for private groups to take part in providing some quality services. Politicians should inspire more and more individuals or groups to take part in developing the country.

IELTS essay: A governmentâs role is only to provide defence capability and urban infrastructure (roads, water supplies, etc.). All other services (education, health, social security) should be provided by private groups or individuals in the community.

FirstStrike — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 04:38:53 GMT

Hello! Iâm from Viet Nam and Iâm preparing for the IELTS examination. I try to practice writing IELTS task 2 everyday, but there arenât any teachers who correct my mistakes. I would be very appreciate, if anyone could help me correct my essay. Thanks in advance.

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

A governmentâs role is only to provide defence capability and urban infrastructure (roads, water supplies, etc.). All other services (education, health, social security) should be provided by private groups or individuals in the community.

You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant experience.

You should write at least 250 words.

There are good reasons why some people believe that politicians should provide all services for the society. First of all, people pay the tax to bring the government come into existence and maintain its operation. Therefore, they deserve to get all services which are provided by the government. The second point usually made is that only the government could provide some fundamental services. Authorities could require the inhabitants to join the army when the nationâs interest is seriously threatened, for example, in order to protect its country. Politicians could also send troops to protect people when emergency situations occur: tsunami, floods, and forest fires, to name but a few.

Re: Please evaluate this Ielts essay. I would appreciate any comments!

julielai — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 17:31:58 GMT

I thought the intro. was okay, if a bit generic.