Search results for 'tag:Essays tag:TOEFL' matching tags 'Essays' and 'TOEFL'

Re: Need advice to improve my writing style

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 12:58:07 GMT

Hello there,

I like your idea of writing a page about a different topic every day. I would suggest having an native speaker of English correct your writing. It's best if the person correcting your English is an ESL teacher. Also, it should be the same person correcting your writing every day. This way, the teacher will be able to notice common patterns and mistakes in your daily writing and be able to give you specific advice about how to improve.

There are a couple places on the internet where you can practice writing and get your essays corrected by native speakers. One is www.cz-training.com/toefl/practice.html. (Sometimes I correct student essays for this site.) The essay writing is mostly for TOEFL practice, but I suppose it would help you, too.

Hope this has helped,

William

Can anyone proofread my essay? Its a little long sorry

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 23:35:01 GMT

The idea of American dream and success grabbed my parentâs attention in the 80âs. Both of my parents were born in Korea; however they both have a complete different childhood. It was never easy for both my mom and dad to settle in the developing nation of Korea. Both my mother and father were born the 60âs where Korea just suffered from the Korean War against North Korea. Korea being in the stage of rebuilding the nation, most people worked extremely hard in making ends meet. Life in Korea after the war is significantly different to the kind of life people are living in now. Nevertheless my mother and father ended up in the United States giving me many opportunities of life.

First of all, my father was from a fairly wealthy family in Korea. My grandparents had some land properties and known to be pretty high in the social class. It is very interesting that my father never served in the Korean military service as after the war it was mandatory for all men to serve in the army at least once in their life time. Apparently my grandparents paid their way out of making my father in serving in the army. But how did my father end up in the United States? South Korea has been heavily influenced by the United States and in the 60âs and 70âs Koreans believed that the United States is where the opportunities are known to be the best country in the world. This idea is ironic because today Koreans are very anti-America in terms of trade and politics but, in the past it was all different. My aunt moved to New York in the late 70âs and got married. My aunt persuaded my father to move to the US to study. That time my father was a college student in one of the prestige Korean university. He was majoring in economics and considered moving to the US where his sister was. After confirming that he will further his education in the US he took the TOEFL test and applied for the F1 visa. According to my father he lined up at a ridiculously long line in the US embassy in Jongno-gu, Seoul Korea. Many people were seeking for migration to the United States however, not many were similar to my fatherâs case of to further his education. It didnât take very long for my father to get his F1 visa as he had relatives living in the United States. After attending college in New York he majored in accountings and got his CPA. He managed to get a job in a small accountant firm in Queens, New York. He then applied for the permanent residency and as he worked in a firm he managed to get his green card by employment-based visa where he got sponsored by an employer.

Due to the fact that my father spent most of his childhood in Korea, he never experienced foreign culture. It was never easy for him to adapt to the American culture. Especially he founded hard to adjust to the food and different lifestyles. My dad told me that he suffered and missed the Korean food and as his college was in a rural area it was difficult to find Asian restaurants. Moreover, it was very difficult for my dad to communicate with people as English being his second language. He once told me about a story that happened in his first year in the US. He was told that in Costco they sell a Korean traditional food called âKimchiâ. However, he couldnât find any, so he asked one of the employer where he can find âKimchiâ. Surprisingly the worker understood him and directed him to aisle 3. But my dad didnât find any âKimchiâ but found cream cheese. He told me this story to tell me how it was hard to communicate with different accent. Apparently it was hard for my father to express his feelings as his English was not that great. Not only this, other people found it difficult to understand him with his Korean accent. There were many interesting stories my father told me about but the message or the moral behind his stories is that I am very lucky to be bilingual and fortunate to be born in America. Among my community I often here how people born in the United States gets head start in life. What they meant is that being born in America you get good education and many opportunities compare to a person born in an Asian country. Frequently my parents tell me that it is an advantage to be born in America but they always said I should work extra hard as an Asian to be recognized and sustain in society. I believe this idea was stuck in my fatherâs mind. He had work extra hard in college and managed to get a job which later he used his education effectively back in Korea. Like what Tim Fong said some people go back to their home country to apply their skills. I think my father has done this, but he never told me exactly why he left America. However, I can guess on why he left the country and it was because of racial discrimination, competition and perhaps because of his language ability. This can be understood as my father mostly stayed and interacted with Koreans. He stayed and worked near Korean town in Flushing New York. But for most, due to that fact that he went to a Korean Church made him to feel like home.

On the other hand, my mother has a totally different story to my father. My motherâs family was middle class in terms of social class but always willing to climb up the social status. It can be said my motherâs family was more of a risk takers. When my mother was around ten her family migrated to Argentina. The whole South America boom where thousands migrated to have a piece of fortune convinced my grandparents to move to Argentina in the 70âs. The prediction of South Americans countries can be the next United States made my motherâs family to migrate to Argentina. However, after living in Argentina for more than 20 years they started to notice that the economy was shifting down. So they decided to migrate to New York. My mother managed to transfer school with an F1 visa, but my grandparents had to wait for the migrant visa. So my mother settled in New York before my grandparents moved in. Both my grandparents worked in Argentina and my mother and her brother and sister had to help. When they moved to the US my grandparents managed to set up their own dry cleaning business. They did not have any connections but the fact that they know how it is hard start a new life in a foreign country made them easy to adapt. Although they have migrated to a foreign country before it wasnât easy for them to settle in but, it was somewhat easier than other Korean who came from Korea. My grandparents lived in a Spanish town as they were fluent in Spanish. It is very interesting that they can speak Spanish and not English. It was rather easy to settle and start a business in a Spanish town. However, my grandparents told me that they have experienced discrimination among the Spanish community. Some founded it interesting to see Asians speaking Spanish but some founded intimidated. My grandparents experienced robbery due to their race and the fact that they were Asian in a Spanish town. However, they never gave up and worked in the dry cleaning business for 18 years and managed to earn some profit. I have asked them if they regret in coming to America. They straight away answered âNo!â and wished they came to America before Argentina because they feel that America is the land of opportunities.

Although they lived in the Spanish community, the Korean culture and language was still practiced in my motherâs family. They eat rice three times a day, speak Korean everyday and even watch and read Korean newspaper. My grandparents always enforced their children to learn the Korean culture in which my mother said she is very proud that they did this. The idea of respecting elders is crucial in my motherâs family. And the reason why it is important is because my grandparents believe without respect goals cannot be achieved. The goal for my grandparents in moving to Argentina or the United States is to have some share of the American dream as well as to educate their children. My mother and my grandparents always tell me this: that I must be a better person than them (grandparent and mother). I believe this is similar to most parents who decided to migrate to United States. They would like their child to have the best education and be a better person than them.

In conclusion with my father earning his green card when my mother married my father she was able to get her own green card. Then my brother and I were born! However both my parents did not like the United States. They both have worked so hard and suffered just to survive. So they moved out of the United States. They may never tell me exactly why they decided to move out of the States but, I can guess that the competition and the kind of life you need to be adjusting to survive in the United States were really hard for them. I am not saying they were not successful in the US but they experienced new part of life and learnt how some people live like this and some people live like that. Now only my motherâs parents and her sister and brother live in the United States. They all managed to become citizens except my mother and my father. The rest is scattered all over the world and somewhat really benefitted from their stay in the US. Both my parents do not regret the fact that they left the United States but learnt a great lesson of how life is really hard.

Please Check My Essay for TOEFL

yellow-submarine — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 13:14:03 GMT

Hello.ãI'm a Japanese man, and I am planning to study abroad. This is my first time to post my essay here.

I would be most grateful if you could point out and correct errors of grammar, expression, logic, and so on, in my essay.

I wrote this essay for TOEFL, so please take it into account. (At the last exam, I scored 18 out of 30 in the writing section.)

"Some people prefer to eat at food stands or restaurants. Other peoplerefer to prepare and eat food at home. Which do you prefer?

Use pecific reasons and examples to support your answer."

When considering the place to eat food, some people like to eat out at restaurants,while others prefer to eat at home. I support the latter idea, for it is more economical. My answer is based on the following two points.

ãFirstly, we can cut cost for diet by preparing by ourselves. In general, dishes at restaurant are more expensive than those cooked at home. Various costs such as maintenance cost and labor cost are required to serve dishes at restaurants, and these inevitable factors make the price higher. On the other hand, when preparing food at home, we can compare supermarkets to pursue and purchase more inexpensive materials such as vegetables and meat. Moreover, we donât need to pay such maintenance cost and labor cost. Therefore, it is more economical to prepare and eat at home.

ãNext, we can limit our expenditure for seeing a doctor. If we continue to eat out, the risk of diabetes or other diseases become higher, for foods served at restaurants tends to be contained with a lot of salt and fat. We feel delicious when we eat oily food. Restaurants try to serve delicious food. Then, it is unhealthy to eat out. Therefore, if we eat at home and keep ourselves healthy, we can keep down medical care cost. Furthermore, we can choose materials by our own, which enable us to choose safer ones. Thus, by preparing and eating at home, we can keep ourselves healthy, and can cut cost for medical care.

ãIn conclusion, if we prepare and eat food at home, it is more economical because we can make a selection of more reasonable foods, and we can keep down cost for seeing a doctor. In Japan, the number of children has decreased, and the number of elderly people has increased. It will be difficult to support the cost for medical by a small working population. Then, Japanese people should try to decrease the cost.

Re: Essay for Toefl 2

Grammar Geek — Mon, 05 May 2008 01:35:19 GMT

HI Doll,

Describe one event from your country's history, and explain why it was important. Provide clear explanations and details in supoort of your answer. (This is supposed to be a descriptive essay.)

The Gallipoli Campaign still has its memories vivid in our minds although 86 years passed ~~after it~~.It was not only important for Turkey, but also for the other countries including France, Germany, England and Italy.

Starting in 1915, the Gallipoli Campaign was one of the most bloody wars in history. Approximately 53.000 soldiers from Turkey and 111.000 soldiers from other countries fought in this war. One aspect of this war was that there were naval attacks, landings and ~~the~~ air assaults ~~were done ( can I say done~~? not really ) which meant more loss of life.

There are different reasons for the Gallipoli Campaign but ~~if we want to count,~~ the more important ones are these: ( can I count things like that in an essay? Sure) First, the Ottoman Empire had lost Trablusgarp and Bingazi and wanted to gain those lands back; second, (I have no idea about pronunciation. Is it correct? And do I have to count first, second, third respectively? Yes, first, second, third...) England and France wanted to conquer Istanbul; third, Russia needed help via the Bosphours to gain her power back; fourth, Turkey trusted Germany and her power and had high expectations ~~was in a high expectation~~ of winning the war; and finally, ~~fifth,~~ Istanbul was under attack and Turkey was in a complete danger "complete danger" doesn't work - perhaps "was facing the possibility of invasion" or something like that.

No matter what the reasons were, it had no side to be proud of perhaps "neither side could be proud of the resutls.". ~~As well as other soldiers,~~ It affected innocent civilians, not only soldiers ~~too~~. ~~Aside from the great success of soldiers,~~ Turkish civilians showed great courage ~~as well~~. Argh. I'm not sure how to rewrite that. There are too many "as well" and the soldiers are repeated twice. Maybe "The war affected others besides the soldiers -- innocent civilians showed great courage along with their military counterparts"? Even women got involved in the war volutarily. They carried heavy stones and guns on their back and they helped soldiers as snipers. When they ran out of guns, they fought one-on-one with enemies. ~~Maybe just because of this~~ For this reason alone, we can count Gallipoli ~~Campaign~~ as one of the rarest wars in this world.

Gallipoli Campaign left plight ? memories on the others too. For example, Anzacs were just the victims of destiny. This was had nothing to do with them but they had to be involved on other countries' will. Both sides lost numerous soldiers in this war and both sides were really affected badly by poverty, hunger and illnesses during the war.

As with all wars, Gallipoli Campaign has some good? positive? results too. The first of them is that the Turkish people gained courage by defeating enemies despite their poverty~~poorness~~, lack of men and guns. Second, M.K. Ataturk's celebrity and success spread all around the world;( Does it spread? yes, that's fine, but use periods not semi-colons to seperate them) Third, Istanbul wasn't conquered. On the negative side, F~~ourth, unfortunately~~ Turkey ~~gave~~ suffered a big losses and most important, it lost its brains not sure what you mean? they lost their best and brightest? Either way, end with a period. Russia couldn't get enoguh help and was deprived of its aid so she couldn't help Europe.I'm not sure about what you mean here? It left Russia in a weakened position?

The year is 2008 and the effects of the war still lingers in Gallipoli. The cemeteries of Anzacs and soldiers from Europe are now turned into an open museum and the gates of Dardanelles are open to their grandsons.

I felt a bit off-topic. Am I really? I think it would be good to talk about the effects that linger - perhaps on Turkish national identity, or what could have happened if the war had gone differently? I'm not seeing a strong connection to the current state of affairs.

I know I made a bunch of changes, but this is not very far off from what I would expect from an American student. Use more periods and fewer semi-colons! :)

Essay for Toefl 2

Doll — Sun, 04 May 2008 17:40:28 GMT

Hello everyone, it is me again. I wrote a new essay. I will be happy if someone could check it for me because I can't see my own mistakes. By the way, I still find the time insufficient and my eyes were on the clock.

-Describe one event from your country's history, and explain why it was important. Provide clear explanations and details in supoort of your answer. (This is supposed to be a descriptive essay.)

Gallipoli Campaign still has its memories vivid in our minds though 86 years passed after it.It was not only important for Turkey but also for the other countries including France, Germany, England and Italy.

Started in 1915, Gallipoli Campaign was one of the most bloody wars in history. Approximately 53.000 soldiers from Turkey and 111.000 soldiers from other countries fought in this war. One aspect of this was was that naval attacks, landings and the air assaults were done ( can I say done?) which meant more loss of life.

There are different reasons of Gallipoli Campaign but if we want to count, the more important ones are these: ( can I count things like that in an essay?) First, the Ottoman Empire has lost Trablusgarp and Bingazi and wanted to gain those lands back; second, (I have no idea about pronunciation. Is it correct? And do I have to count first, second, third respectively?...) England and France wanted to conquere Istanbul; third, russia needed help via bosphours to gain her power back; fourth, Turkey trusted Germany and her power and was in a high expectation of winning the war; fifth, Istanbul was under attack and Turkey was in a complete danger.

No matter what the reasons were, it had no side to be proud of. As well as other soldiers, it affected innocent civilians too. Aside from the great success of soldiers, Turkish civilians showed great courage as well. Even women got involved in the war volutarily. they carried heavy stones, guns on their back and they helped soldiers as snipers. When they ran out of gun, they fought one by one with enemies. Maybe just because of this we can count Gallipoli Campaign as one of the rarest wars in this world.

Gallipoli Campaign left plight memories on the others too. For example, Anzacs were just the victims of destiny. This was had nothing to do with them but the had to be involved on other countries' will. Both sides lost numerous soldiers in this war and both sides were really affected badly by poverty, hunger and illnesses during the war.

As all wars, Gallipoli Campaign has some results too. First of them is that Turkish people gained courage by defeating enemies despite their poorness, lack of men and gun; second, M.K. Ataturk's celebrity and success spread all around the world;( Does it spread?) third, Istanbul wasn't conquered; fourth, unfortunately Turkey gave a big loss and most important, it lost its brains and Russia couldn't get enoguh help and was deprived of its aid so she couldn't help Europe.

I felt a bit off-topic. Am I really?

Re: Essay for Toefl 1

Doll — Sat, 03 May 2008 17:12:33 GMT

Thank you Julielai for all your corrections and suggestions. I shouldn't lose myself while writing.

I need more practice, more practice and more practice.

Re: Essay for Toefl 1

julielai — Sat, 03 May 2008 14:21:43 GMT

Since this is not supposed to be argumentative, I suggest avoiding the standard "pros/cons" format.

Highlighted a few things that need to be fixed.

Vegetarianism

Vegetarianism, preferring not to eat animal products, is followed by lots of people. (Define it and avoid the passive voice.) It used to be a prefer at first but nowadays it is ~~followed by lots of people as if it was~~ a fashion. Though it is up to us to decide to be a vegetarian, we should be very carefully before deciding this because ~~it is more than not eating any animal product.It can have both~~ of the positive and negative affects that decision has on us.

~~To start with positive affects,~~ Many people currently choose to be a vegetarian to stay healthy. ~~first of all we can say that~~ if we choose a vegetarian life, we will not have any problem with cholesterol. As we know, animal products have a big affect on our body. ( elaborate)

~~The other affect is that we~~ Others become vegetarians...(elaborate) ~~ill not put on weight easily. (I am so sure here)~~ Eating animal products make our body store the fat in it and if we cut on eating them, we will have a less chance of being fat with a good diet. (I suggest doing some research on this.)

Of course, there are other reasons...we will not even have the slightest possiblity to catch dangerous animal ilnesses such as (elaborate)

Also, being a vegetarian will help us save money. ~~As we know,~~ ~~(used second time)~~ we have to pay more to consume animal products.

(What about religious reasons?)

On the other hand, living on non-animal products may lead some negative affects on us too.

First of all, though it may sound good to have less susceptiblity to ~~have~~ cholesterol problems, a big danger waits for us: cancer. Avoiding animal products weakens our immune system and no matter what a good diet we follow, we will have a ~~more~~ chance (Is this a chance?) of being cancer than non-vegetarians.

We can also add loss of protein in this downside too. Loss of protein will lead illnesses such as memory weakness, feeling tired, flu and soe skin ilnesses.

As a third disadvantage, we can count memory weakness. The B6 protein exist in animal products more and it enables us to have a strong memory. Stopping eating meat can result in serious memory loss problems. (already mentioned)

Despite all the possible..., vegetarianism is still followed by numerous people around the world. ~~Concerning all these things,~~ we should keep in mind taht it is more than just a prefer or life style. ~~It must be regarded as a shadow which will always follow us and~~ we should think carefully before coming to a decision about vegetarianism.

Need correction for essay

samundeeswari.m.b — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 17:32:39 GMT

As I am preparing for TOEFL exam, I practice for essay writing. I woud be happy if

anyone correct my essay and give feedback to improve my writting.

Thanks in advance.

Question:

Some people prefer to get up early in the morning and start the day's work.
Others prefer to get up later in the day and work until late at night.
Which do yu prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

Answer:

Many of us will say get up early in the morning is good to health. But we could count
the followers who really practice in their life. One group will say get up early in the morning
and start the day's work is really good. While the other group will follow get up later and work until late at night.
I believe there are stronger reasons for get up early in the morning and start the day's work.

Well, If we get up early in the morning we could realize the lot of changes in our life.
We could do more works if we get up early than to get up late and do work till at night. Since in the night
automatically we feel tiredness. This is not only because of our work. The main reason for this is due to scarcity of
oxygen in night time. Moreover in dawn time we could breeze fresh air. More energetic rays from the sun, will give
us more energy.

The most imporatnt thing if we get up early in the morning is we could plan our day's work
in effective way since we have enough time. There is no need to plan any work in our busy day time.
As a student one would be punctual to their school and would be always brisk in whole day class. As a businees
person one could plan in well executive way. Moreover we have lot of time for our health to be improved by undergoing
Yoga classes, medidation, jogging, swimming etc. This will enable us to be more active in our day time.

I will give best example what I faced in my life. During my graduation tenure, I was so lazy in the initial days.
I won't care about my day work. I used to think like I will do it later. Mean time I will do study late night, but I could not study
at night due to drousy. But it started to affect my studies and I saw the result of my laziness in my exam results.
My friend suggested to get up early. Though it was difficult to me initially, I practiced myself because my passion my studies
impetus me. I started to get up early in morning. And I started to do yoga. I feel the day is really gift to me. I studied in the morning.
All this effort made me to achieve university rank in my post graduation.

To sum up, the best way to success in our life, we should be a regular and active person all through the day.
To achieve this goal we have to get up early in the morning. Finally I would like to say get up early in the morning
would help us to learn and earn more in the day.

Re: Please correct me with the essay

Mister Micawber — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 08:51:15 GMT

1) What should I replace my work with?-- No title is required for TOEFL essays; if you need a title, it should announce to the reader the topic of your essay.

2)
the parentless children-- these are not previously mentioned or specific children
make their lives better -- what English word means 'make...better'?
people (why did you underline here?). -- What word is more specific?
measure I will(why did you underline here?). -- Only one measure? And verb form is not consistent.

3)
normally(why did you underline here?).-- Orphanhood is normal??
lead miserable lives due to(why did you underline here?).-- Strictly, 'due to' is an adjective; use a synonym.
the lack of education and materials (why did you underline here?). -- wrong word
However, before we did all the (why did you underline here?).-- wrong verb form
A charity fund might well be operated(why did you underline here? Can I replace it with "opened?") -- Yes, wrong word; use 'opened' or a synonym.
make them pay at all costs(why did you underline here?).-- Idiom is wrong here, and redundant: taxes are mandatory by nature
The tax can be fluctuating(why did you underline here?).-- wrong verb form
It's time the government... emphasize the essay, why would you say it was extraneous?-- That is not emphasis; it is beside the point; the essay is about what you would do, not what the government should do

4)To sum up, I-the governor(why did you underline here?).-- Wrong punctuation, new title, unnecessary appositive
Everyone bears in their minds(why did you underline here?) - the idiom is incorrectly formed
that even orphans have the(why did you underline here?).--no previous mention, no specificity

NOTE: If you want to continue this revision, please post a clean, revised copy for my review, Belly.

Re: My essay for the topic "Why people go to university or college". Pls check.

EBblack — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 10:56:52 GMT

After people finishing their high shcool, they faces two ways generally. One is going to higher education; Another is working. Many factors affect people's choosing, such as econimic ability, interests and his/ her attitude towards higher education and work. I think people go to college or university for higher level education and experiences.

I give an example of my style above. In my opinion, sentences should be direct. Short subject can achieve this. Maybe you should consider to revise each topic sentence of the two following paragraphs.

"Different people will have different choices of their own" is somewhat a cliche, you can make it more specific.

I'm preparing TOEFL as well. If you want to find someone to exchange experience on TOEFL writing, contact me.