In Essays^x, Underline^x, Verbs^x

OK, here are a few specific things I see that may be problems in the first few paragraphs. 1st paragraph - Is going to movies a social standard? Or is it an activity? Your first sentence is 3 lines long. It is difficult to read and needs to be shorter. You frequently use "that" when...

1) What should I replace my work with?-- No title is required for TOEFL essays; if you need a title, it should announce to the reader the topic of your essay. 2) the parentless children-- these are not previously mentioned or specific children make their lives better -- what English word means...