Search results for 'tag:Jokes tag:Resume' matching tags 'Jokes' and 'Resume'

Re: please proofread this (I hope the format is fine now)

Stepan Stepanovici — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 12:12:50 GMT

Hi Grammar Geek,

Thank you sou much for your comments, they are very helpful!

Yes, they are indeed resume bullets (not sentences!) that are supposed to sum up the activities of the institute. Now, to answer your questions:

1. - test stands=a kind of tables endowed with various devices for performing tests (I found many occurences of the phrase on the net)

- various industrial branches ... that's all! They don't nention anything more about what these branches really are! Can't I leave it this way?

4. - to trade studies: I was intending to say: to commercialize some studies that the company has already carried out. Is it better to use "commercialise" instead?

I have another question: in the first "noun bullet" I used "plant" as a collective noun meaning "large machines and equipment". Shouldn't I use the singular then?

PS1: I know that the text sounds rather abstract and "cold"... Believe me, the same thing is available for the original.

PS2: I am indeed very grateful for your help and patience and, considering I'm not such a reliable translator (as you noticed), I really don't know how I could ever return your service. So, if you ever need a translation into or from Romanian (ha ha ha), I'm here for help! This is the mail that I use more often: stefir75@yahoo.com. ...You remember the old joke with the Englishman walking through the desert and bumping into several haberdashers, asking them for a glass of water and being offered a tie instead. When he reaches the 5 star hotel to finally quench his thirst, he is not allowed in because he doesn't have a tie. So, buy a tieee!

deadpan/straight-faced/cold jokes

Angliholic — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 14:02:32 GMT

I presume in English there are deadpan/straight-face jokes, but are they the same as "cold jokes?" If not, what are the differences in a nutshell? Thanks.

Re: translation needed

Clive — Mon, 16 Oct 2006 22:19:24 GMT

Hi,

For a little light relief, try this joke/riddle.

If Livingstone's answer is DR.LIVINGSTONE I PRESUME, what was the question?

[If you can't work out the answer, I'll tell you.]

Best wishes, Clive

Re: the cases of abstract nouns taking "thes"

Aperisic — Fri, 15 Sep 2006 18:21:50 GMT

Mister Micawber wrote:
You must be a young man, Aperisic-- you have a penchant for overreaction.

Ha, ha, a good joke. No, I was anyhow very temporary here - I have extremely busy weeks and probably months ahead. So it was around time to leave the forums, and I said to myself why not to make a joke.

I might be childish, which I don't even feel embarrassed to admit, but a youngster certainly not.

When the time comes I will resume my visits.

Why I am making mistakes is because I try to rethink about everything. The fact that many people (including me, who should know better about English living in many different environments: British, Irish, Canadian and now American) suffer (truly suffer) learning again and again the same thing, never being able to make the clear plan is what force me to at least try to reorganize everything in a more different and approachable way. Yet, I am doing it on my own (with the help of brilliant literature and, why not to say, excellent posts of others, of course) without being able to correct every single detail (especially the problems are the examples where I am trying to fit them for one purpose but I forget another sometimes trivial moment).

I'll be back because that is important for my job. However, you can't miss me at all even if I won't, there are far better people here to help anyone around. Have a nice time, all!

[And thanks Mr Patrick (call me Patrick) but in essence I am Pascal, I'll keep what you said in mind.]

Re: Doctor Livingstone, I presume?

Clive — Sat, 04 Jun 2005 23:59:06 GMT

Further hint: the 'joke' involves names.
Clive

Re: Canadianisms. Eh?!

Guest — Fri, 01 Apr 2005 14:28:06 GMT

Canadianisms, eh?

Obviously, some of these things are uniquely Canadian, such as the coins and French words, however a lot of these seem like "normalisms", i.e. not u.s., just like a lot of things are the same the world over, except for the u.s., especially names of things. I assume the writing underneath each item is what the USians refer to it as, unless it's obviously just an explanation.

-----

Serviette here too.

Interesting that you call a bathroom a washroom, what would you call a room that had a sink (so you could wash), but no bath? Or would that still be a washroom, so there's no distinction for a room with a bath?

Shreddies here too (don't worry USians, for once, you're not missing out on much).

Smarties - I've always wondered why M&M's even existed, considering they are just a crappy version of Smarties, but not significantly cheaper (in fact, they might even cost more). I suppose I should have guessed they were a U.S. thing. Bit of a ripoff though, eh? Apparently, the chap who "invented" them, saw some Spaniards eating something similar during the Spanish Civil War, I wonder if they were Smarties?

Back bacon - Are the only pigs with backs in the entirety of the Americas, in Canada? Can't say I understand why USians refer to it as Canadian bacon. It's from the Canadian part of the pig?.

Bread - confusing. When you say "whole wheat", do you mean "wholemeal"? If so, and you call wholemeal/wheat bread simply "brown", what do you call brown bread that isn't wholemeal/wheat. Here we have white, brown and wholemeal... I think, you're starting to make me wonder now .

Homogenised milk I'm not too sure about at all. It seems to ring a bell, but I can't ever really remember talking about it and certainly not regularly, so I suppose that means one of three things; 1) All the milk here is homogenised, 2) None of the milk here is homogenised, or 3) It's so unpopular, I've never come across it.

Whipping cream here too. Strange the USians go for "heavy" considering it's designed for whipping, plus, once it is whipped, it's light and fluffy. Also, if they just use a light, medium and heavy grading, what do they call clotted cream?

Coriander here too. Cilantro sounds like a liqueur.

Onions - No idea, I don't cook and I don't really eat onions.

Icing sugar here too. Again, a different name in the u.s. Although the adjective isn't inappropriate, why not icing sugar? Is it used for many other things, too?

Table here too.

Robertson screwdrivers here too apparently, but I don't know how popular they are. I haven't heard of them before now, but I'm a layman. I think in Canada, everyone has heard of them, right?

Arse/bum, of course. Ass is the real name for which donkey is slang. However, the word has, of course, been subverted the world over, and if someone says "ass", you know they're an USian (unless it's a bible quote, of course).

The states/the u.s. - Yes, America is a continent (or apparently, two, depending on where you're taught, can anyone confirm this?), but I'm sure you still call them "Americans" (they are of course, it's just not their nationality). I've been pondering for a while what to refer to them as (something a little more official than "yanks"). As you can see, your mention of this has prompted me to refer to them as USians in this post. I can't quite bring myself to say it out loud though, I'm sure everyone would just look at me funny :p . Also, how would it be pronounced, yoo'ess'ee'ns or us'ee'ns? I'm leaning towards the latter for some reason.

"Chip trucks" - Slightly strange that you say "truck" rather than "van", but *very* strange that you say "chip". I thought your chips/fries/crisps naming conventions had been completely taken over by the u.s. version. For the record, here, chips are chunks of potato approximately an inch thick, by about 1/4 to 1/2 an inch thick, by the length of the potato long, deep fried. Fries (not French, because they're not) are very thin, dry, stiff, crunchy on the outside, powdery on the inside "potato" about 1/4 of an inch square by the length of the potato, that you get with Burger King, McDonalds and KFC (the ones at KFC can be less stiff and dry, more floppy, and less powdery inside unlike the ones at Burger King and McDonalds, although for all I know, that could just be the plebs at my local KFC not "cooking" them "properly"). Crisps are the thin, crisp, flavoured snacks that come in a small plastic bag, or more recently, a cardboard tube (Pringles). They are either made from very thin slices of potato, corn or moulded potato slop (they (Pringles) like to call it "dough").

Milk in bags? Sounds enormous fun, not too practical though, perhaps you could elaborate? Also, if you can buy it in jugs, how is it sealed, or is it not sealed because you just mean bought from the farmer down the road?

We have Esso (not Exxon, is that the same thing with just a different name?), all the others you mention sound very Canadian.

Never heard of Molson or Labatt (I'm sure they're local brands), but I'm glad to hear you don't partake of the gant's piss the USians like to call "beer". I thought that could easily be a habit that might cross the border. I presume lager is still the main type of beer you lot drink though.

Cuba - haha, I presume that's a reference to the u.s., are they still not allowed cigars or holidays to Cuba?

Health care - Yes, most non-third world countries have "free" healthcare, paid for by taxes and then allowed equally to everyone for no extra charge, don't they?

Weather conversations - of course! However, I've been lead to believe that lots of nationalities around the globe barely discuss the weather, let alone mention it regularly.

Drinking age - in most countries this is 16 - 18, I struggle to believe it truly is 21 in the u.s., I wonder if it's an in-joke they're playing on the rest of the world, but being so close, I suppose you'd know, unless you're in on it . For the record, here it's officially 18, but unofficially more like 16. E.g. if a copper "caught" some 16 and 17 year olds drinking and they weren't behaving like raucous yobs, then he'd probably just confiscate their alcohol and tell them not to do it again. Plus, most parents would allow their 16 year olds to drink.

I'm not sure I understand your "potato chips" entry, apart from the "all dressed", which sounds interesting, if a little vomit inducing.

"British spelling" - pfft, there's no such thing. There's only "normal" spelling (someone more critical might say "correct") and U.S. spelling.

Zed - I actually found this site whilst looking for an answer to why USians call the last letter of the alphabet "zee". Anyone have any ideas?

I didn't mention some of the things that were obviously different or irrelevant.

I tried not to go too much into the habit of the u.s. to come up with completely different (and sometimes obscure, strange and less appropriate) words, and especially, names for things, because that's entirely a different story, it's good to see that you haven't been completely taken over (although about 95%) by the USian vernacular.

P.S: I posted this when there were no replies, but it will take a while before it appears because I'm a "Guest". Just in case some people reply before this appears and it looks out of place or contradictory.

Trevor

Re: (Teachers Wanted)-Guangzhou, China-Hiring English Teachers

Guest — Fri, 14 Jan 2005 17:48:15 GMT

Dear Cheiron,

APPLICATION FOR ESL POSITION
I hereby apply for teaching position in your glorious noble citadel of higher learning for the English language instructor as advertised on the website page.
I am a qualified and Experienced ESL teacher both home and abroad here in China.
I am young,agile,hardworking and reliable English teacher using different methods of passing the knowledge to students both in-class and out-class.
I bagged Bachelor degree of Education in English language and Literature as well as TESOL and TEFL certificates from Trinity college, London and Lagos institute of Linguists,Nigeria respectfully.
I am ready to deliver my best and make my class academically active and morally develop by integrating learning while laughing.
Attached is a copy of my resume that will spell out what I have in stock to offer.
Thanks for your anticipated cooperation and consideration.

Yours faithfully,
Jimoh Kamoli O.

CURRICULUM VITAE

JIMOH KAMOLI OLANREWAJU.
Sabo Yaba Lagos, Nigeria.
E mail: jimohshina@yahoo.co.uk
............................................................................................................................................................................

ADDITINAL INFORMATION
Discipline
English language and Literature.
Degree
Bachelor of Education (B.ed); NCE; OND,TEFL and TESOL.
Language 1
English language.
Sex
Male.
Date of Birth
14th August,1976
Country
Nigeria: Former Colony Of Britain
Colour
Black

ACADEMIC QUALIFICATIONS
UNIVERSITY OF LAGOS, Nigeria. 1995 to 1999.
Bachelor of education in English language and Literature [B.ed].

OSUN STATE COLLEGE OF TECHNOLOGY, Nigeria. 1994 to 1996.(Part ime)
National Diploma in Banking and Finance (OND)

OSUN STATE COLLEGE OF EDUCATION, Nigeria. 1991 to 1994.
National certificates of Education [NCE}.

LAGOS INSTITUTE OF LINGUISTS, Nigeria. 1999.
TEFL certificate.

TRINITY COLLEGE,London. 1999.
Teachers of English to the speakers of other languages [TESOL]

SKILLS
Information Technology and Use of Language
Proficiency in the use of English language and flawless British accent.
Knowledgeable in Business English,Business Mathematics and general Conversational English.
Users of various internet features such as the internet Explorer,Microsoft Outlook,Microsoft word and Excel etc.
Training sports and sporting activities like football game,table tennis and so on.

Research work Conducted
Creating an English speaking environment-Problems,Prospects, Challenges and Recommendations.[Case study of Hunan Agricultural University Campus,Changsha,China].
Foreign Language-Chances and Challenges.
The effects of Monetary Policy on Commercial Banks of Nigeria [Case study of First Bank of Nigeria].
Campus Pollution-Causes,effects and recommendations [Hunan Agricultural University,Changsha,China].

GOAL
Creating Happiness in the mind of people is the source of my happiness and target.
Creating a lively and conducive learning atmosphere for my student and a close a relationship with them in and out of the class.

EMPLOYMENT HISTORY
OMOLEYE PRIVATE GRAMMAR SCHOOL, Osogbo. 1994-1995.
Teaching of English grammar and oral English language.
Assisting in developing and upgrading curriculum to meet the present taste of the study.
Training and organising soem sporting activies between different classes in the institution.

JEROG VOCATIONAL TRAINING SCHOOL, Enugu,Nigeria 2000-2001.
Teaching of Conversational and Business English.
Teaching of Business Mathematics to the business majored students.
Partaking in the community development program as a volunteer graduate student.
Organising a private classes for the finalist middle school students during my National Youth Service Corps [NYSC] in Enugu.

SAINT PATRICK COLLEGE, Lagos,Nigeria 2001-2003.
Teaching and Modification of English language curriculum to meet up with the students' demand.
Organising some role plays among the students of the institution.
Acting as the sport instructor in the college

CORNER STONE ENGLISH LANGUAGE SCHOOL,Xinzheng,Henan Province:China. [Summer Camp 2003]
Teaching of Oral English language to the middle school students.
Taking the students out for some games and fun in English language.
Using cards to speed up their rate of grabbing the foreign language.

HUNAN UNIVERSITY OF AGRICULTURE,Changsha China. Sept 2003 to August 2004.
Teaching of conversational English language to the post graduate students of the institution.
Teaching of Oral English language to the English Major students.
Teaching Newspaper reading to the English Major students.
Participating in training foreign language departments team how to play football well.

KIDDIES COLLEGE,Changsha China (Part-time) Oct 2003 to June 2004.
Teaching English language to grade five students

ACHIEVEMENT
Gaining a visible progress in my teaching through motivation and the friendliness.
Restoring the chinese students confidence and change their usual saying "My English is poor" and change it to "I will try my best"

Author of two English language textbooks to be published soon in,Hong Kong, China.

Titles:
Communication made easy
Sports English

Who am I?
Young,Energetic,Humble,Enthusiastic,Dynamic,easy going and willingly ready to impact and gain knowledge to and from people respectively.

HOBBY
Playing football,Table tennis, Surfing Internet and Cracking jokes.

Referees
Mr Peter Bowling
Director of Corner stone English language school,
Xinzheng,Henan Province
E mail peter_bowling@hotmail.com

Ms Guo Yajuan Dorothy
International Exchange Division
Hunan Agricultural University
Changsha,China.
0731 4618784
13975116328
E mail gyj@hotmail.com

Professor Gablow Raymond
Head of department of English language
University of Lagos.
E-mail gablow_raymond@yahoo.co.uk

The American President's Resignation Speech

alwalidi — Tue, 08 Jul 2003 19:16:28 GMT

THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT'S RESIGNATION SPEECH

On 09th September 1999, the American President took the world by surprise by pronouncing his resignation, through a little longer speech, due to some reasons, allegedly psychological. The tension and lassitude were writ large on the face of the President when he was delivering his speech which was being telecast by all global TV networks. The major Networks stopped transmission midway as the contents of the speech were highly critical. The viewers could not follow the speech continuously as the CNN Network did not telecast it completely. Though the channel resumed transmission after a gap of 20 minutes, it interrupted the telecast and announced that it would resume the transmission indirectly with a gap of five minutes. The following is the text of the speech :

Ladies and Gentlemen!

My Dear People !

Those who stood beside me in good and bad days !

I greet you all wherever you may be. How fortunate I am to talk to you ! But it is tragic that this is my last official speech to you as I have decided to tender my resignation as the President of USA . I tender it spontaneously and with a peaceful mind, having discharged my duties in a befitting way. I have discharged them with the conscience of others and not with my own conscience. But I leave the Judgement to History. At the end of all the incidents that I was involved in, the rigorous pressures applied on me by some people to force my resignation for so many months have been failed.

I know very well that among you are those who have hastily convicted me of dereliction of duties. I forgive them as there are so many things that are beyond their sight ? so many things that they could not comprehend as I could. I would do my best to elucidate them through this speech so that the facts, that have been kept away from your eyes ever since America was born ,may be totally clear.

At the outset, I would like to say that I will soon bid adieu to the White House without harboring any rancor against anyone. You may ask 'What about Monica?' And I say : I never harbor any malice against her as she is a merely Jewish girl and wants to serve her people who convinced her to serve in this fashion on account of America which has created them. How terrible is this world!

Earlier, we were warned by the Late John Jay who said : "The Jews will soon be the greatest danger for our nation". It's a pity that we could not learn any lesson from our former White House supremos because we are good Americans. But I acknowledge before you that I was perplexed only by the disposals of our wise investigators and judges who followed their tracks. Likewis, during all the period in which they investigated me, and after the strenuous job they were involved in, and the exorbitant costs incurred in these investigations, all paid out of your pockets, they could not reach even 1% of the facts. Contemplate it Never mind! They are sharp-minded. I say this in favour of America. It was my chance to examine myself, and our justice, and I discovered that we are utterly failed when we adopt justice and judgement as profession. We are such a people, expert only in killing, going berserk, burning and relishing lusciousness of the victory. We sucked the blood of the Red Indians and Negroes; we set ablaze Hiroshima and Nagasaki; we consumed the flesh of women in Vietnam and we took old revenge on Arabs when we bombarded and burnt down their Iraq, we utilize their petroleum more than them, and we have been killing (5000) Iraqi children and (3000) Sudanese children every month while we are sitting in our houses. Then what do we want more than this? We are the Champions who dictate every one and everywhere. But Justice and Judgement are other things. You may say that I harbor malice against the Media which targeted me. I say : your allegation has some truth because our Media spared no time to expose me while I know, as you know, those who are responsible for paying them to do so. But the fact that has vexed me more is that the Media of other countries, which imitated our Media in exposing me, are quite oblivious of the scandals that I could never imagine to take place in this world. How ugly is the world !

Why didn't the Media project that 'Great Leader' who married a ten-year-old girl and passed his night with her while she was dead ? Yes Dead ! or that Leader who forcibly abused all the girls of a school all along the long nights. Or that Leader who fell in love with an obscene female singer, married her and made her a Princess over his people.

Or that Leader who forcibly abused his own daughter while he was intoxicated! Or that Leader from whose mollified intentions no World Beauty Queen was spared, passing his night with them while his people were starving! Or that Leader whose dignity spread all over the world, but no reference was made about his palace that was constructed in the vicinity of a Hospital so that he may pass every night with a nurse, or that Leader for whom every night a Virgin beauty was selected from Universities and Schools of his Country every night. Or that Leader who has collected in his Palace, women their names beginning with each letter of the Alphabet, or that Leader who has married a contingent of boys, or that Leader who did not leave any singer, dancer, actress, or beauty queen but they danced in his bedroom! and many other secrets which I can't reveal at this moment? I have recorded much more in my diary to be published after my death as per my will. I pray God not to keep any of those Leaders or their wives alive when this diary goes to the printers because I have written, therein what is generally not written.

My Dear People!

You say that I lied! Yes, I have lied! But there is a Truth of which you have lost sight and the investigators have forgotten it. This Truth is that your Country, used to lie whatever may be the case. George Washington, the first liar in our American history promised the Red Indians to make America a Paradise for them and that the White entrants were only their bondsmen and caretakers. But, at the end, he swallowed them, Yes he swallowed them!

In case, your urge for other evidence of our endless tissue of lies is unsatisfied, here is the case of the Middle East. In this case, if we had applied the International Law on Israel as we have applied it on Iraq, we could have been compelled to dig a huge grave for the burial of this Israel , because Israel is synonymous with some criminal gangs, who united and occupied a peaceful country, Palestine by name, and drove away its people after conflagrant massacres which are still raging. But our Constitution urged us to close our eyes against all these happenings ? urged us to lie and to stultify the Arabs, and demanded of us that the International law is only for some particular regions and it will make its entry there only at the instance of America, otherwise, it will be suffocated and will die. They actually believed us. So the international Law, to us, will be construed a law when it serves the American interest and makes the entire world its slaves. So lie is the basis of our work. You observe that we take oath before your TV screens when we take over as Presidents of America. But you do not know that, prior to this oath, we take another oath in a closed room before nine devilish persons that we shall continue to lie, steal and deceive, all for the sake of America!. We take this oath while our left hand is put on a painting of the "Statue of Liberty " on the bottom of which is written : " The American Liberty Statue, stolen from France", and we place the right hand in a pot that contains the mixed blood of all nations. Then the nine persons start singing a peculiar anthem, incomprehensible to me, and I believe that no American President understood it earlier. They warned us not to ask any question about it. Any how, none of us was concerned with it except the late President Harrison, who questioned about it within one month after taking over. The Late President Garfield questioned about it after a short period of assuming the office. The late President Harding questioned about it two years after his appointment. The late President Kennedy did not learn from his former Presidents. He questioned about it after two years.

My Dear People!

You accuse me of cheating! I say: Yes, I cheated. We are the most cheating people. Tell me a name of any former American President who did not cheat ! Cheating is in our nature; it is in our blood. How many times you clapped for our "Heroic Deeds"! Our popularity graph climbed upward more than ever before. These Heroic Deeds were only to change the headings of the newspapers which were much reproachful towards our faults and shortcomings with all simplicity. I admit to you that I changed the headings of Newspapers many a time and I was not the first, and I will not be the last President. We are following the foot-steps of late President Truman who gifted you the largest victory in the History of America in the Second World War, when he burnt to ashes millions of innocent human beings in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Do you know why he did so? Some of you know, but I say for those who do not know ! Truman did this when our leading Newspaper decided to publish his sex-scandal with his pet bitch 'Lisy' with which he sexually intercoursed more than with his wife. He ordered the erstwhile Secretary of Defence to smash Japan with atom bombs. But the Secretary of Defence returned to him after few hours to say : "America has only two atom bombs". He told him: " Two bombs for two cities" and showed him the symbol of victory. Then he repeated the same symbol but this time for his "beloved" Lisy and said : "Dear! I will not let them expose you." He was extremely intoxicated. When our Secretary of Defence found that it was very tough to negotiate with him, he implemented the orders and America emerged as the Victor, and the news of the scandal disappeared and was subsequently forgotten. For those who are not conversant with this, the grave of "Lisy" is found in the Cemetery of "Fathers of America".

I do not like to dig out the past, but I would like to say that we have cheated and tyrannized many peoples. How often I saw nightmares in which the White House was besieged by the Ghosts of Red Indians, Negroes, Japanese, Palestinians and Iraqis and other such victims of ours! I remember that one night I awake scared by a nightmare that almost put an end to me. My wife advised me to take the skull of CRAZY HORSE out of the White House. I complied with her advice. I was a target of hectic criticism as I revolted against the tradition of the late President Grant who ordered to post the head of this bellicose Red Indian in the White House and refused to remove it in spite of the fact that he was always beholding him in his dreams sleeping between him and his wife. He was colossal; he was American.

I was not the first American President to suffer from troubled sleep in the White House. Before me there were many others. For example Late Lyndon Johnson was believed to dream of Martin Luther king's ghost which used to split the wall of the white House making its entry to the President asking him why" why and disappearing. Moreover the President sometimes saw it dressing in white and weeping in the Garden of the White House. How awful it was! How helpless Johnson was. These things really disturb me, our next war is going to be staged with these Ghosts and they may shatter us and put an end to the Dream of America, and then our sophisticated Arms, of which the whole world is afraid, shall not come to our rescue.

I remember that one night after the removal of the Skull, I dreamed that I slept a whole night with Mrs. Netanyahu who told me: "Oh! my Friend, I slept with you more than I slept with my stupid husband. I love you more than your wife loved you". And she added that her husband was well conversant with our relation, and that he was always scrupulous in the purity of their little child's Jewish blood. I hardly covered the smile that was about to grow on my lips because I knew that he knew it. I almost admitted to her that whenever I received a world leader in the White House, his wife was led to my bedroom. But I could not disclose it to her because I recalled my oath when I took over as the President of USA. I was afraid of telling the truth. How much I wished to be true in respect of the bed that keeps us together! We are human and we wish very often to tell the truth but we cannot do it. It is the high price, we pay for occupying this Chair. On that night we thought about the circumstances of the Jewish State and we both agreed that the proportion of the withdrawal from West Bank would be 13%. Her husband came to me and told me gleefully : "I agree with your proposal but I will soon show that I am opposed." Then the French President contacted me to raise the proportion upto 20%. I was disgruntled. I saw Yasser Arafat in Paris. I felt jealous at that time.

I awoke in dismay, Arafat was talking in English and I believe this is enough to wake anyone in dismay. The pauper Arafat?. In his case we have committed an unpardonable sin when we left him to be a victim of madness. He was fully prepared to serve us truly even more than whom we made. His dream was to become a Real State President. He was much concerned with the titles but he ended unfortunately and went to a world, likely better than this world, I believe that he can select there any title he wants. Some days after the dream, I decided in a meeting with my consultants the same proportion of withdrawal as decided by me in the dream i.e 13%. My resolution was successful and was agreed upon by both parties.

Though it looks strange, if you make up your minds a little, you will find that it is not strange. We very often apply our experience in bed to our politics and vice-versa. We think about some matters which appear even to us illogical and we apply them on others or on ourselves and we are spared. So when the world is under your control, you can do what you want. No one dare say "No" to America because all those who said ?No? to it were swallowed. This is the secret of our success as Americans. I remember that once I was extremely in chagrin, and with me was the British Prime Minister at that time - this added to my problem as he was disagreeable. I wanted to humorously tell him something to relieve myself. I told him a joke, and I was sure it was a sordid one. I jokingly said that I wanted to reduce the world population by half and that the majority of the Japanese should die of starvation. I expected from him at least to smile so as to appease me because I was cognizant of the fact that my joke was not funny. Instead he told me seriously: "Oh ! Agreed ! Dear President ! The British people and I are with you, but don?t forget the Irish Republican Army , Oh! Great! Oh". I was disconcerted what to tell to him . It was in grim situation , finally I told him: "Oh ! I am grateful to you and Britain". Look ! how great is Great Britain.

I remember that I repeated the same joke to the late Russian President Yeltsin and, in return, he laughed saying: "Agreed! but how much is the share of Russia ?" I said: "At that time there would be no Russia." He turned furious and looked at that time as if he was a bull, and I thought as if he was going to swallow me alive . That moment I desired to tell him that we had destroyed the Soviet Union with your own hands, so it would not be hard for us to bury Russia. But very frankly I feared to exasperate him so I explained him to that it was only a joke, Then he laughed again. I was certain that, had the Russian people died, he could have been laughing. He always loved to laugh and I believe that he was laughing while dying. He requested more than once to pardon him for his objections to our policies. He told me : "It is mere information I say this when I remember the Soviet Union". I acknowledge that I have loved him! He is Russain but good.

My Dear People!

Furthermore, I am satisfied that our basic case, as Americans, is to merely pass resolutions, then all the machineries and U.N. shall follow us blindly, and we find such people who have been willingly serving us. I can still call back that I once told that Israel shall take from us much, without discharging its duty in a better way. Likewise it has committed numerous mistakes despite our repeated warnings. I was surprised by the secret visit of the Turkish Prime Minster to me after he had met our Intelligence Director. He told me that Turkey wanted only 5% of what was taken by Israel, towards your service in the region as you wish. Only 5% and that you stand with us. He also promised to support Israel and Republic of Jordan & Palestine in the face of any probable danger. He pledged to me to split the unity between Syria and Iraq in the near future. He reiterated that Turkey was seriously working to retain its role in determining the Arab disputes. He also described how Turkey along with Israel has been planning to recess an Islamic Caliphate, an attempt to control the widely growing aggression of the Islamic Movements in the area. Besides, Israel has promised to provide a proper Caliph. He also informed me that the Head of the C.I.A. welcomed the idea and promised to give them a hand. He added : "I promise you that you will love Turkey more than any time in the past". I told him : "We love Turkey, the women of Turkey and the Coffee of Turkey, and I promise you to consider this subject on another occasion because at present I am tired as I have worked today for long hours, and I badly need to go to bed for relaxation, and I suggest you search for a bank other than Swiss Banks as they are under strict watch. I thank you and America thanks you". Look ! he came to offer his services to America and actually started while America was only promising him to think about the matter ! I don?t know what more we can aim for. You ! what more do you want?

My Dear People !

Some people say: "I place my interests above the interest of the country". I would like to say that this accusation is inaccurate. I don?t know what they mean by the interest of the country. The real interest of America as it is deemed by me and the outgoing American Leaders, I never came short about them, and I did not place my interest above them. I have committed some mistakes because I am human and every human being errs. I will soon mention the situations confronted me, perhaps they will ward off the charges, against me ! One situation confronted me when I paid a short visit to a country for the first time. We had many interests with that country. My advisers told me that the leader of that country was unmarried and strange and acute. He had no inclination towards the fair sex. He had a band of boys with whom he was doing sex. He (himself) bedecked them. He was less concerned with his people and followed us blindly. He loved Britishers more than the Americans. They talked about him and his country so many things. I cannot recall now. I wanted to cancel my visit on that day, when I knew how he had come to Power. I was surprised when he proposed for me to enjoy with some young girls. I very politely apologized. He offered me some boys. I apologized with a soft smile on my lips. He suddenly began moving his hand on my thigh saying "Oh President! I feel happy when I see you entering the White House. How is your Deputy ?" I was thinking to break the hand of that stupid and to tread his crown with my feet at that time. But I remembered the interest of America that granted this leader the most precious award.

Here is another situation, sufficient to say much. Once I visited another country to which we rendered much assistance. Its officials believed that we assisted them for their black eyes. They wanted to remunerate us, and this remuneration was that the chief of protocol officers in the Royal Palace of that country offered me to sleep with hundred virgin Girls of their country. He was to open an Album of their photos to provide me a chance to select the first to be in my bed. I requested him to keep the Album closed and at that time I was confused whether to laugh or to weep ! But I was confident that his intention was good, so I humorously said: "I like all to be in my bed". He said : "Ready Sir"! He stood to go and bring them, but I stopped him and asked : "If my wife were here, would you provide her with hundred men ?" He replied "We are ready, Sir to provide her with thousand men". I suppressed my anger and I whispered to myself that I deserved that answer because my question was so stupid! I admit to you that I got angry to an extent that I attempted to vex him as he vexed me, so I told him : "I want you in my bed? I want your wife"! He said : "It is my pleasure Sir"! I laughed at that time and expressed my gratitude for his generous hospitality and asked him to leave. At that time I thought to call our Secretary of Defense and order him to withdraw our forces from such country where such people live. But I ruled out the idea, and what will you do? The interest of America is above all, and this is their protocol. I have read in our history that for a woman?s help shout one of their leaders destroyed one of our important countries centuries ago, Look ! What is going on now? It looks a tragic matter !

My Dear People!

As far as my mistakes are concerned, the majority of them were neither in your favour nor in favour of America. They were in favour of those who were not kept in our account any day, but I am sorry to do so after I have decided to leave the White house. It is just like awakening of conscience.. my conscience that was constitutionally required to disappear. Therefore I seek pardon from the leader of (Tordon State), whom I drove away from America in an ugly way when I knew after his arrival that his wife was dead. Likewise, I seek pardon from the people of (Sabu) because I caused for them a drought that put an end to half of their population because their leader did not inform me that his wife was suffering from SYPHILIS, that cursed disease. I seek pardon from the hungry people of (Salmon) whose leader came asking alms for them, but I spurned to give even a single Dollar and I deprived him of his share of loan from the World Bank, not for any serious reason but because even my Assistant refused to sleep with his ugly wife. I seek pardon from the leader of (Danbari) whom I regard the most honourble among the world leaders I have ever met. I planned a revolution to get him out of power, because he claimed that his secretary was the First Lady of (Danbari). I passed one night with his Secretary. It was only a waste of time, and I am sorry that the C.I.A. could not disclose that game until the morning. I seek pardon from the leaders of (Shisi), (Monkar), (Dougal), (Madry Island) and other states leaders who were not granted entry ? visas to the U.S.A because they were unmarried.

Lastly, I seek pardon from my beloved and patient wife. I know that she will not pardon me after all these happenings, but I pledge that from now I will never lie; I will never betray. It was equally difficult for her to decide whether to desert me or to remain the First Lady of America. I seek pardon from you my dear people because I lied to you as I applied your Constitution. I promise you and will soon fulfill my promise that I will never lie from now on for only one reason, that I shall be no more a president of America ? Good bye my Dear People".

This is the complete speech of the American president without any omission, and it has been confirmed. The lobby of the American President reported that Mr. President himself wrote this address without consulting the "Writers of White House". This is why there are some confusions. They also added that in the last phase of his rule, he suffered some dire psychological conditions. The whole world and American people commended the courage and sacrifice of the President and urged him to withdraw his resignation but he refused adamantly. The observers say that the sacrifice of short span of time in the White House under these circumstances will not be counted valuable, but they admitted that he was the first American President to tell the truth, with this clarity and odiousness, and he was the first American President to defend himself so rigidly. One of the big newspapers in its headlines regarded him as the "First Most Courageous President in the History of America". The leader of Republican Party said "when we criticized his scandal, America was exposed and the friends of America, who reposed their confidence in it, also exposed. He is not defending himself he is destroying the reputation of America before the World he is destroying all of us. He exposed all the previous American Presidents?He exposed those who are dead and exposed even those who are to come after him. He exposed all of us; I feel shameful whenever I enter the White House; I feel shameful even for being an American. He left for us an indelible stigma because he is malicious and a Democrat."

One Republican Representative said: "He is irate, and we the Americans when we get furious, our thinking ceases and we commit much silliness. The majority of the contents of the Presidential address was a result of non-thinking but his decision to resign was in its place though it was much late. The American people shall lose nothing by his resignation". When he was asked about the result of the public opinion poll that showed the ratio of public support for the Democratic party going upward unprecedentedly, he said: "We are emotional more than necessary, but I acknowledge that he made a great victory, through his resignation, We, due to our stupidity, did not anticipate that the result would be like that. After the result of public opinion poll, the Democrats demanded that the statue of Mr. President be erected along with the Liberty Statue."

As far as the President is concerned, who was under strict security told the journalists in his comment on his address: "I told all this because I felt that the future of America and American people in danger".

The world governments and leaders kept quite against the president?s address, but one day later it happened that two world leaders committed suicide; three leaders had cardiac attacks; more than five leaders were admitted in hospitals, allegedly to conduct the comprehensive medical checkups; one was dethroned; five leaders divorced their wives. Some Analysts say that all these incidents must have been related to the address of the American President or to his memoirs, which stimulated reactions, continuing in every nook and corner of the world following his address. There were so many unprecedented preparations in the State of Arkansas to receive its son who returned there.

MOHD alwalidi