Search results for 'tag:Motivation letters tag:Colons' matching tags 'Motivation letters' and 'Colons'

Re: Please help with motivation letter

Triquediqual — Sat, 07 Jul 2007 14:58:48 GMT

Mimoi2 wrote:
Does anyone have any suggestions for this motivation letter? Anything would be really appreciated!

Name

Address1

Address2

Phone

Date

To Whom It May Concern: I would put a comma after the Concern rather than the semi-colon.

With this letter I would like to express my interest in a position in the Global Risk Talent Programme. I am a graduate of the University of Florida. I graduated with a Bachelorâs degree in Electrical engineering in 2002, and a Masterâs degree in Electrical engineering in 2004. After careful thought and consideration, I <Omit the Have>decided to undergo a career change. I am now in the process of becoming an associate actuary. I am originally from Suriname, which is in South America, and I speak fluent Dutch and English. You keep on saying " I am", I think you should vary between "I'm and I am", eg. I'm originally from Suriname.

What attracted me to engineering was the amount of mathematics involved. Math and numbers have always been my first passion. Recently I became more interested in using my math skills in other ways, in particular I have become interested in the Actuary sciences. I am a highly analytical person, and when it comes to problem solving I am as good, or better than anyone else. I <Omitted> started the process of becoming an associate actuary by studying for the first two exams (Probability and Financial Mathematics) and by starting the process of VEE credits by taking Economics, Accounting, Finance, and Probability classes while also employed full-time. My first actuary exam is in November and the second one is in December of this year. I am confident that I will pass both examinations on the first try. I believe that my education in electrical engineering has sharpened my analytical skills, and has challenged me to always give my all and perform well. I believe the design methodologies that I have mastered during my education will prove to be extremely useful in analyzing and managing risks. Again, you keep saying "I am", vary with " I'm". You also keep on saying "I.....<word> have" a lot and should be varied as you repeat yourself over and over here, and you like to use the word "that" in conjunction with "I am" as well a lot and it becomes repetitive and dull to read. Apart from this, you have the paragraph spot on I think.

What attracts me to the field of Risk analysis are the challenges involved. Challenge is what motivates me. The more complex the problem, the more motivated I am to solve it, and the more motivated I am, the more positive the outcome. During my education, it has always been the Mathematics courses and the Statistics Courses for which I received Aâs. Out of the six mathematics courses I took, I had 5 Aâs and 1 B+, while I had Aâs for both Statistics courses I took in college. I believe this will pay off in the risk management and analysis industry. My long-term goal is to become a Fellow of the Society of Actuaries, specializing in the financial industry, particularly in Insurance. I realize this will take a few years to achieve, but I'm willing to put more of my time and energy into it, because I've finally found something that I will truly enjoy. To me there is nothing more exciting than having to work on complex, analytical and mathematical problems as part of your career. I believe that being part of the Global Risk Talent Progamme at company1 will be a major factor in achieving my goals by giving me hands on experience and training in the field. I am particularly interested in the Finance industry because everything around us in this world revolves around Finances. Insurance particularly interests me, because that is societyâs most powerful answer for managing risk. The same problems exist here with I am, I have, I believe I whatever. Don't get me wrong it's not a major problem but if you look at the adjustment of "I've above, it comes off the tongue easier than having a lot of little scrambled words which makes the sentence sound better. Like I said, it's nothing to worry about. It's still grammatically correct.

Through living in the United States and growing up in Suriname, I have become fluent in English and Dutch. For these reasons I am entirely capable of integrating and working/studying in a multicultural environment such as company1. The University of Florida emphasizes team work, especially in a program like electrical engineering. Florida is also a very multi-cultural state and these experiences taught me to listen to people, to develop my leadership skills, and to take into consideration cultural differences.

You have already stated your fluent in English and Dutch.

Company1 represents the perfect environment for a young motivated woman who wishes to enter the finance sector. Company1 also embraces values to which I can relate and in which I can further enhance my skills. Company1's international position also represents an opportunity and an experience that I would like to be part of.
Nothing wrong here me thinks.

Overall, not a bad written letter, and you have made your point sufficiently. I think the problems I have listed should be taken with a grain of salt although I just didn't like reading the repetitive remarks constructed.

As for layout, it's superb. You have made sufficient conclusions and beginnings in the opening and concluding paragraphs and the in-between paragraphs have suitable points and finish the letter off brilliantly.

Hope that helps,

Triquediqual

Re: motivation letter, please check it

Anonymous — Thu, 24 Nov 2005 13:39:16 GMT

(I forgot to log in again, sorry-- MM)

Thank you, Yohanna, but you didn't find all of the spelling mistakes.

Colon, not exclamation mark, after Madam
from August, not form August
Always two spaces after the period at the end of a sentence
the capital, not a capital
Faculty of Social Sciences and Economics
Delete this sentence: It is a very famous and acknowledged school in the country.
I am studying, not I learn
life are not life is
a member, not the member
it is very hard, not it is a very hard
comma after programs
the welcoming of first-year students, not celebrate of first-years-students
schools' websites, not schools website
delete this: all kinds of
which made me curious about, not that made me curious of
very curious, not so curious
education system (no hyphen)
very interested, not so intrested
come and study, not go and study
English
opportunity, not possibility
for my educational fee, not to my educational fee

Re: Can you please check my motivation letter? Thanks in advance..:)

Mister Micawber — Thu, 24 Nov 2005 07:34:01 GMT

To whom, not For whom
Colon, not comma after concern
for the patent, not for patent
spell out small numbers: three
in a good, not within good
to European, not at European
no hyphen: North American
no capitals: the construction site
gained in not gained into the
no comma after problems
don't use the ampersand in business letters
willingness not wiling
myself is one word
a key role, not key role
approaching, not getting closer to
commissioning not Commissioning
forward to not forward of
No comma after job
the engineering domain, not engineering domain
an electrical engineer, not electrical engineer
current not at current
the electrical engineering domain

Delete this: With the hope that you will consider my profile as applicable for patent examiner position, I wish you all the best

and add this: I hope that you will find my application of interest for your Patent Examiner position. Please advise me if you requir any further information.

Yours faithfully,

Please help me with my Motivation Letter - the deadline is near

Alhd — Mon, 29 Aug 2005 06:18:39 GMT

<>Please, could you help me with my motivation letter?

Just to fill you in, Iâm from Brazil and Iâm applying for an exchange program with German universities. The deadline is 31^st August (this Wednesday), at 23h in Brazil (that is, if I'm not mistaken, 3.00 am in London). I know itâs a little close to the deadline (but Iâve just got to know this forum) so I would greatly appreciate if you could help me. Even if you donât manage to answer soon enough (i.e., you only manage to answer this post after the 31^st), please do answer because I will be able to try another exchange program soon and I want to have a good model. I will be very thankful!

I know that more than one person will read the letter and I donât know who will read this. Also, the letter is to be sent via an Internet form, so I wrote âdear sir or madamâ.

By the way, I have learned that following that phrase should come a comma â,â, but I saw in this forum you suggesting it should be a colon â:â. What should I do?

We are advised to write between 1 and 2 pages â I wrote 1,5 pages, so, although it may seem, it is not too big. People in the past years who have written less than one page were criticized for not having written âenoughâ.

We are evaluated for the letter, CV and grades in the university. If I am approved, I will be called to an interview, which will decide if I will go or not.

I took out my personal details but Iâll post here so that itâll be easier for you to understand.>>

Engenharia MecatrÃ´nica: mechatronical engineering
Aaa: my university
Bbb: another engineering university

Also:
Aaa offers opportunity for students to learn German. And those students, like me, are preferred to enter the program.

By the way, should I sign with my initial, i. e, "J. S." if my name was "John Smith", or should I sign "John Smith" after the "Enthusiastically"?
Other doubt: is it OK to use the "Enthusiastically"?

Thanks to all those who help me.

Now starts the letter:
_______

My city, 28th August 2005.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am a third year student of Engenharia MecatrÃ´nica at aaa. Since I am interested in mechanical engineering and Germany is considered a reference country in that field, I am writing to apply for the Graduation Exchange with German Universities.

At the end of 2002 I have enrolled in two entrance exams (Vestibulares): one for Aaa and another for bbb, the latter being known for having the most difficult entrance exam in Engineering among the Brazilian ones. Having passed both exams, I started attending classes at BBB, as they started one month earlier. I lived on my own in BBBâs accommodations for this month, but decided at last to move to Aaa. Among the reasons, at Aaa I would have the opportunity to enter an exchange program. Then, at the end of 2004, I started the German classes offered by Aaa in order to be able to take part in this program.

The reasons for me to have chosen this exchange are many. Firstly, I want to further improve my strong technical skills, which can be achieved by studying in Germany, a country worldwide known for having very good Engineering Universities and Industries in mechanical engineering. Secondly, we live in a very dynamic world, which requires flexibility and creativity, and, in these modern times of Globalization and the Internet, it is also important for people to get in touch with other languages and cultures, not to mention networking. On an exchange program, I will meet different kinds of people and cultures that will give me different points of view, hence contributing for flexibility and creativity, besides the cultural gains. Thirdly, it is crucial to have a deep and solid education in order to solve the most diverse types of technical problems, to be able to pass on ideas, and to have a critical understanding of problems and solutions. This solid education will be certainly obtained through the analytical and abstraction abilities gained while attending classes in the exchange program, as qualities that are generally associated with German people are Methodology, Logical Reasoning and Abstraction Abilities. Last but not least, by entering this program, it will be easier to enter German and multinational enterprises, as the German Universities are reputable.

Moreover, I will be able to achieve personal development by dealing with some of my shortcomings and improving some of my qualities. One of the flaws I intend to handle is that I should learn to pay attention to what other people say, as this is something I sometimes fail to do. As I will be in a place with a different culture and language, I will need to pay more attention to the others, as they will be able to help me in the little problems I shall have. Besides that, when I was studying at BBB, living in another town, I improved my self-knowledge and learned to live independently. This time, in a longer experience and now that I am older, my personal gains will be much higher. Among the qualities I want to develop are Persistence and Responsibility. I already am persistent and responsible as I finish activities I have started, struggle for the things I want and rarely give up. Even then, there is always room for improvement and studying in Germany will be of great importance to improve myself as I will be living on my own, face adverse situations, make decisions for which I will be held responsible, and I will experience freedom that, combined with responsibility, will provide personal development.

I have always liked Engineering. I like problem solving and figuring things out. When younger, I used to take toys apart and then put them together again to understand how they worked. Nowadays I still like fixing broken things. I have always done well in math and sciences since these subjects fascinate me. Besides that, I am curious and have initiative, and I used to do chemical experiments on my own. I also played a lot of sports as a kid. I learned the values of teamwork, how to create strategies, how to work hard, how to focus and concentrate, and how to balance my time and priorities. In addition, communication and languages are two areas of knowledge that attract me. I now speak seven languages and do not want to stop learning new ones. The reason why I chose Engenharia MecatrÃ´nica is because I have always had a special fascination for robots, mechanical devices and electronics and I have always liked building things and creating devices, specially those that were similar to simple robots, for example, I created a presence alarm and I motorized a car when I was younger. After I graduate, I intend to pursue my career in Engineering and work as a Project Engineer in a multinational automation or mechanical industry. Then, after some years, I have the intention to do a masterâs in a subject relationed with my future work.

To sum up, I consider my qualifications and interests, as exposed above, to be sufficient to enable me to make a good course at one of the German Universities from the Exchange program and make good use of all the knowledge I gather throughout this program in the future and later career. At the same time, having this opportunity would mean very much to me, as it would be the result of three years of work.

I look forward to your positive response.

Enthusiastically,

alhd

Re: Please be so kind and correct my letter of Motivation

Mister Micawber — Tue, 21 Jun 2005 07:24:32 GMT

Hello Georg. The following words and phrases need repair:

At first -- or omit it entirely
have gave
in UNIVERSITY2 -- wrong preposition
September 2000 -- I think I am a little late in helping you.
till - change to 'through'
reasons -- needs a comma
succeed in serving -- change to 'served'
Ordonnanzen (staff) -- needs a comma
awarded -- or rewarded?
UNIVERSITY1 -- needs a comma
doesnât -- don't contract in formal writing, and the verb tense here needs rethinking
equips -- change to future
prospering -- not a good choice in a motivation letter; omit it
this -- change to 'the'
branch so unique, -- change branch to field or area or industry; change so to very; change the comma to a semicolon
10th-- end with a period

Re: Motivation letter???:)

anon1 — Fri, 19 Nov 2004 07:23:48 GMT

Dear Ms/Mr [find his or her nameâ¦also if it is a âsheâ use Ms. unless she prefers Mrs.]1]

I am exciting to be applying for an internship to laboratory and joining your team. [there is no English word âpracticantâ, I think you meant âinternâ].

As part of my training, I am required to complete a practical course in a laboratory for least three months. I would great appreciate the opportunity to be a member of your working group. That would complete my practical experience requirement and more importantly would provide me with invaluable experience and contacts, both of which are highly valued.

During my five semesters of study I have acquired a strong [or superior] knowledge of human and cell biology, microbiology and physiology as well as biochemistry and molecular genetics. During my training I have obtained basic practical experience as a scientist as well as a team worker. [no exclamation marks] [2]

I am motivated and curious person who can easily adapt to any situation. I thrive on overcoming challenges. My coworkers know me to be a very effective and helpful team player. I enjoy learning from others and helping others where I can. I am excited by the opportunity to join a group of professional where I can apply my skills, talents, and enthusiasm.

[I hope You will help me cover this step of my education and personal experience. âdelete this sentence. You want to show them why and how you will help them. Donât ask for their pity so that they hire you. Show them your enthusiasm and knowledge.]

I will call you in two weeks to arrange an interview. I look forward to meeting you.[3]

Sincerely,
Yanakieva

Watch your spelling and capitalizations. No exclamation marks, smiley faces, or anything else.

I have made some changes and put in some words for you. See if my words capture your intent.

I love your enthusiasm and passion. If I am hiring someone, I want to see that they have a passion for their chosen career. I want to know that they are excited by what they are doing. Your letter has that. I think thatâs great.

1) In North America, we place a colon after the name. Dear Mr. Jones: , but the European practice might be/is different. Nona the brit and I have had discussions on this topic. So you need to check to see how the formatting is handled in your location. If you were in North America, youâd use a colon.
2) I think you can delete the last sentence in this paragraph as we capture the team player stuff in the next paragraph. Part of me wants you expand your background more. Tell them more about you. But other part of me says no, because you just want to get their attention so that you can get an interview with them. You can think about it.
3) You definitely want to contact them. You have all this enthusiasm, excitement, and initiative. Now follow it up with a real live example. Show them that you are willing to pick up the ball and run with it.

I like your letter. Itâs short, to the point, focused, and shows lots of enthusiasm. Now you just got follow that up.

MountainHiker

Re: Motivation letter for an exchange.

anon1 — Tue, 09 Nov 2004 17:53:49 GMT

Hi,

I don't fully understand what you are trying to do.

Dear Prof. xxx: [colon]

I am writing to apply for the student exchange [program at] the University of xxx.

Passing my Vordiplom (xxx) with xxx (Grade: xxx), I am now studying in the xth semester at the Technische UniversitÃ¤t xxx. I want extend my knowledge in fluid dynamics, aircraft engines and numerical simulations and I would really enjoy [doing] a student research project in [one of these] subjects. This is why this [student exchange program is] perfect for my future studies.

I am hard working and a very sociable person. Moreover, I have been on the management board of our youth-club xxx for 2 years. I fixed your prior sentence. [I like to meet with other people and Iâm energetic and productive doing things with them.
(Unaffected the study is really more important)--clutter, not necessary]

MountainHiker

Re: Motivation letter for scholarship

anon1 — Sun, 31 Oct 2004 18:04:11 GMT

Hi Jasmina,

I greatly appreciate all the preparatory work that you have done.

Architects have a language and manner of speaking and writing all their own. I find that they seem to combine both science and art into some strange alchemic brew. I sometimes just wish they'd cut to the chase and stop with the flowery language. That said, let me give you my comments here shortly.

By the way, I think you letter is pretty strong and I really don't have much to comment on.

MountainHiker

Dear Sir: [always a colon in business writing]

I am writing to apply for the XXX scholarship for artists.

I graduated in architecture in March 2003 from the University of XXX, Faculty of Architecture in XXX, XXX. My degree focuses on architectural design and urban planning. I also took several courses in urban management. Through my studies I became fascinated with in issues that affect urban development and future of urbanity. [I like this a bit better. Your choice. No biggie either way.]

The urban metropolitan areas are interesting to study because they are places where different cultures and urban practises encounter each other. In the age of economic globalisation, multimedia communication and transnational migration these urban areas are increasingly changing. On another level [what's the first level??--I'd just use, "Morever, this phenomena..."], this phenomena influence peopleâs lifestyles and as a result their dwelling practices are changing. [For example, blah....] This affects the Eastern European cities as well as Western European cities. Generally, the urban spaces are in need of new strategies that deal with the problems facing urban development. I am interested in studying the urban condition globally and analysing the urban design strategies and practises of urban space creation. [1]

My diploma project was based on research that I conducted on the new political, economical and social circumstances in my country that affect the urban living. The focus of the project was creation of a new type of collective residence in an urban area that would be able to accommodate the changed life style practises of the urban dweller. In addition, I have successfully participated in domestic and international open competitions that are dealing with the subject of urban condition on different levels. [I have learned blah....] I have a passion for research and am especially interested in further developing my skills in urban research. [2]

The XXX in XXX, to which I am interested to apply, has been offering a one-year postgraduate program focusing on urban topics since 1999. The design-oriented XXX deals with the future of urbanity. The program is both international and interdisciplinary. It is the objective of the XXX to develop unusual strategies that transcend purely scientific analysis or design- and planning methods. The one-year XXX is divided into two parts: an orientation phase that concentrates more on theory and analysis and a project phase that focuses on the development of methods and strategies. I am very exited by my decision to pursue my Masterâs Degree at the XXX. I believe that their approach will enable me to acquire knowledge and skills that will help me meet new professional challenges.

I have made the necessary contacts with the XXX contact person Ms. XY to ensure that I am eligible to apply for the academic year 2005.

With a solid foundation in academic theory on urban planning and intensive research gained through the Masterâs Degree program in urbanism at the XXX, I am confident that I will have the skills, knowledge and contacts that will enable me, as architect and urban planner, to deal with the complex issues of the urban condition in my country.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

Sincerely yours,

Jasmina

Notes:

1) The paragraph sounds academic..."economic globalization, multimedia communication, transnational migration, phenomena, strategies, urban development, globally, analyzing, urban space creation, an ever increasing entropy threatens the human race and existence." A lot of buzz words for one paragaraph, no?

As a reader, I would like to know at least one major problem that you seem to be referencing. Otherwise, I am inclined to think this is a lot of mumbo jumbo.

2) Similar to note 1. Tell me how you have made a difference or what you have discovered.

Re: Is there any one could help me to review my motivation letter?

anon1 — Tue, 26 Oct 2004 16:19:34 GMT

faux air,

A few points:

1) It is, Dear Sir or Madam: [colon, not comma]

2) Get rid of all your unnecessary words. You have a lot of "stuff" in there that is not required.

"I believe the N+I program could help me to further strengthen my strong technical skills by acquiring cutting-edge expertise in automation and allowing me to scale higher academic and professional goals in my future career

The "believes" "coulds" "woulds" "maybes" "possiblys" and all that is simply junk. Get rid of it.

If you are looking to cut down words, helping your in your future career is obvious, no? Get rid of it. You can always add it back later, if you want. Also "scale higher academic and professional goals" seems awkward, so even more reason to get rid of it.

You are not telling a story. You want to state your background, reasons, motivation.

"However, while facing manufacture process control problems, I came to recognize my knowledge is limited in many areas such as manufacture system control and management, quality control system based on data gathering and process monitoring."

Useless. You want to strengthen your knowledge. We know that already, move on. You want to become a professional engineer? Maybe add that to you first paragraph?

That whole paragraph is muddled. You talk about a bunch of engineering control stuff, then a professional engineer, then more experience, the different engineers, then France and China, then French beautiful language, and then France. Does it seem like a focused paragraph to you? It doesn't to me.

You could simply expand that you want gain more knowledge on automation. That will allow you to obtain your professional engineering status and widen your choice of career options. THere done.

Next paragraph. N+1 is the program you chose. Tell them why. Also, mention that another benefit is that it is located in France. You want to learn more about the french culture and language.

The next three short paragraphs can be cut down dramatically. Have a look at Nadine's letter for some ideas.

Answering your points:

1) Cut down on as much technical mumbo jumbo as possible. I have an engineering degree too (mechanical engineer). If you are writing to engineers, they will know what automation means. If you are writing to non-engineers, they won't have a clue (idea) anyway, so it doesn't matter.

2) You can cut a lot out of your post. I think you will be fine.

3) Get rid of the "greetings from Cheng Ying in China. When I rewrote your first couple of paragraphs, I put the colon in deliberately, and I got rid of this "greetings" sentence too deliberately. That will improve your format tremendously. Otherwise you are fine.

Good luck.

MountainHiker

Re: Motivation letter - after some years I don't speak in English

anon1 — Tue, 26 Oct 2004 05:40:30 GMT

My name
Address

XXXXX Research XXXX Co-ordinators

XXXXX, 30th October 2004

Subject: Application for the Project XXXXXXXX.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am applying for the Project XXXXXXXXX as a XXXXXX Researcher.

I graduated in Law at the University of XXX (Spain) in July 1999. From the beginning I decided to focus on the research in the area of criminal law.[1] My research work has been supported financially by various research fellowships of the University of XXX (Spain), XXXX (Spain), Government of XXXXX (Spain), XXX (Germany), and at the moment by XXXX (Spain). I have been [scientifically] working at the Universities of XXX (Spain), XXXX (Argentine) and XXXX (Germany) and I belong to a wide Spanish research group headed by professors in different Universities in Spain and promoted by several institutions (see next document).[2] This group maintains intensive[or EXtensive? - I think so] relations[HIPS] with other professors and researchers all over Europe; that is why I keep doing my research at the moment at the University of XXXX (Germany) aimed at obtaining my doctorate in Criminal Law under the direction of Prof. Dr. Mr. XXXX (University of XXXX) and Prof. Dr. Mr. XXXX (University of XXX). [3]

Since I finished my studies, I realized that I really wanted to keep researching and working focusing on international aspects and trying to overcome the limits of the national law, so I decided to write my thesis about the comparison of damages on situations of necessity, which would not be restricted to the Spanish criminal law.[4] I also wanted to gain more international experience. That is why I entered in the XXXX as researcher and in the XXX organization. Thanks to the last one[this is awkward], I have taken part in an International College about European Rights which final[ly?] was mainly the legal discussion about the possibility of a Rights Charter in Europe.[5] I also followed with interest the process and the aprobal of the Spanish organic law XX/2003 about the cooperation of Spain with the XXXX till it came into force. As I read about this Project, I saw here the possibility to get deeply involved with these subjects. [5]

It would be a great pleasure to participate in this project representing my country as a XXXX for the XXX national implementation legislation and to contribute to a constructive debating atmosphere.

How about....

I would greatly appreciate being considered as a key participant in Project Top Secret. Being a XXXX and representing my country would allow me to fulfill my personal objectives of blah blah blah. [And - keep or delete "and"] more importantly, with my education, experience and skills, I am confident that I would make a substantial and meaningful contribution to the project/team/effort (choose one).

Yours faithfully,

1) From the beginning.... OR At the outset.... I prefer the latter though I don't know why.

2) "scientifically working" sounds odd. I would just drop the "scientifically"

3) That sentence sounds odd...

A group keeps extensive relationship, and that is the reason why you keep doing research at blah blah? Doesn't make sense to me. In any event, try rewriting your sentence so that you don't have the semicolon followed by "that is why..."

4) That's a whopper of a sentence. Try breaking it down so that it is easier to digest. Technically there is nothing ungrammatical about it, but it is a monster. Business people like smaller, shorter sentences.

Also, rather than "Since I finished my studies..." try "After I finished my studies..."

5) Awkward sentence...try rewriting it.

6) I don't understand it, so I have difficulty. "aprobal of the Spanish organic law" completely looses me. This whole paragraph seems a little chaotic. I get the sense you want to write a thesis and gain international experience, and then you followed some stuff and now you want to get deeply involved in some other stuff. I am not sure what the main point of the paragraph is. It seems to skip from point to point. Maybe make 2 or 3 paragraphs with your themes clearly delineated?

Your English seems pretty good. It is hard to make sense of your essay because of the xxxx throughout. I trust you know what you are doing, so I have just given you some food for thought.

MountainHiker