Search results for 'tag:Paragraphs' matching tag 'Paragraphs'

Re: unexpected visitor

Avangi — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 06:02:20 GMT

A knock on my door. Sleepy as I had almost fallen asleep, I rolled out of bed onto my ~~week~~ weak feet. I dragged myself over to the door.

I've never heard of weak feet in this context. "I rolled out of bed onto my feet" is fine and natural. We often say we're weak in the knees from fear, or "My legs felt like jelly." "Weak feet" just doesn't fly. I don't know. Maybe, "I rolled out of bed onto my feet, but they didn't want to support me. (OR refused to support me.)"

Too tired to look through the peephole, I opened the door a crack with the ~~bolt~~ chain still on, cursing whoever was disturbing ~~myself~~ me at this late hour.

I don't think in the US we'd say "I opened a crack" in this context.

But much to my pleasant surprise, a sexy doll-like young woman, probably in her early twenties, looked at me with a wide smile and big brown eyes. (good)

[NEW PARAGRAPH] It was a bit chilly. I could feel the cool breeze brushing against my exposed neck, hands and feet, wearing only boxers under my blue house robe.

Logically, the order of the last sentence should be reversed, placing the participial phrase first. As it is, "exposed" makes no sense to the reader.

Two more logical problems: (1) Do you normally sleep in your house robe? You say you were in bed, nearly asleep. You describe getting out of bed and going to the door in minute detail. When did you put on the robe?

(2) Where is the cool breeze coming from? You only opened the door a crack. Are your windows open? Your door opens into a hallway. Why would there be a breeze in the hallway? (The girl is supposed to be effected / not effected by the same cool breeze.)

She stood calmly there, seemingly not shivering, with only her sheer, short red nightie covering her petite body, exposing her vulnerable arms, shoulders and most of her legs.

"Vulnerable" is out of style, as my music composition professor would have said. I know what you mean. You could describe the girl as vulnerable. Somehow "vulnerable arms" seems ugly.

I think the "exposing" phrase would go better as "leaving her etc. etc. exposed."

Though the hallway was ~~dim~~ dimly lit, you could tell she wasn't wearing a bra. My eyes were wide open by now and when I was about to ask her why she rang my doorbell, she put a her hand on my door and gently said, "Can I come in?"

"Her hand" is more personal/tender?

My natural answer ~~was~~ would have been no (OR My instinct was to say no,) but before the word came out ~~of my mouth~~, my mouth swallowed and replaced it as if it had a brain of its own, "Yes, sure". I ~~shut~~ briefly closed the door~~, unlocked it and open~~ to unhook the chain, then opened it wide with an inviting gesture, "Come on in".

Re: I am trying to translate short story from my Native laguage into English. Can you help me to check the Grammar&Puncutation. I have given thre paragraph. Thanks for your help.

Canada_1966 — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 18:27:05 GMT

{I tried to level my best to modify the first two paragraph and posted here, also I have given few more paragraphs in the story. If you are interested I am ready to give full story. Pl rate my level of english. Thanks in advance-Canada_1966}

Foot size of letters and hoardings were made for each other for the variety of advertisements on the wall. The advertisements are: Nijam Lady tobacco - R.K.Bras - Cautions! Revolution! - Gospel meetings -Haji Musa Apparel store (Apparel ocean)-(30-Sep-1973) that was the day the atheist would be punished.

That was Maduraiâs usual day. Water pots were waiting by the street water faucet as usual in a line. The kids were playing on the sand without any fear of âTetanusâ. The passing city transport buses were dispersing the mix of nationalism and diesel-smoke. Protineless policemen with pressed half-trouser, were controling the vehicles passing here and there. The human motion in the city was like a Brownian motion. On the left side of the road, there was a small group of protesters, were creeping with chanting slogans against government-imposed price hikes. The people of barefoot, four Gopuras (Towers) of Meenakshi temple, dried Vaigai River and Bridge; these are the indenties of the city Madurai.

This is a story of a girl who came to this city today. Valliammal was waiting with her daughter Pappathi in the corridor of the Government hospitalâs O.P department. Pappathi had developed a fever first day. Valliammal took her to the Primary Health center; the doctor scared them by saying âShe should be taken to City Hospital immediatelyâ. Valliammal took the first bus in the morning.

Pappathi was laid on the stretcher. Six doctors surrounded her. She was only twelve years old. Both sides of her nose were pierced with poor stone, which was glittered in the hospital lights. Her skinny hands were sighted through the bedspread covered till her chest. Pappathi was in deep sleep because of fever, her mouth was opened.

Chief Doctor checked her head. He lifted her eyelids and saw. He pressed on her cheeks. Her skull was checked by his finger touch. The Chief doctor studied abroad and professor for post graduate studies. The persons surrounded were his medical students.

âAcute case of Menningitis. Notice theâ¦â

The coversation was unknown language to her. Longing mother looked at her daughter. The sorrounding doctors came and examined her eyes using ophthalmoscope. Her eyeballs were examined with beam of torchlight. They all took notes.

Re: please please please help with one paragraph of covering letter

RayH — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 17:19:06 GMT

I have a wide range of office experience gained working as a clerical officer in many companies.

~~Recently (I stated in my CV âJune 2008 to presentâ), I decided to increase my knowledge in purchase ledger.~~ As you will see from my CV, I am expecting exam~~âs~~ results and certification from Pitman Training. During the course I learned how to maintain ~~the~~ purchase ledgers, process invoices and carry out a bank reconciliations. ~~I am sure it gave me good background to step on the career ladder as a Purchase Ledger Clerk.~~ I hope you will agree that this is a sound background for an entry level Purchase Ledger Clerk. I am assuming entry level here because you say "step on the career ladder."

I have enclosed my CV for your review. Thank you for considering my application. I look forward to hearing from you and am available for an interview at your convenience.

please please please help with one paragraph of covering letter

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 13:51:15 GMT

Hi, I would like to ask you for a help as I am still improving my English and want avoid mistakes in my covering letter. I really would appreciate it if you could check the letter, especially red paragraph.

Dear Xyx,

I am writing to apply for the position of Purchase Ledger Clerk, as currently being advertised on your website.

I have a wide range of office experience gained working as clerical officer in many companies.

Recently (I stated in my CV âJune 2008 to presentâ), I decided to increase my knowledge in purchase ledger. As you will see from my CV, I am expecting examâs results and certificate from Pitman Training. During the course I learned how to maintain the purchase ledger, process invoices and carry out a bank reconciliation. I am sure it gave me good background to step on the career ladder as a Purchase Ledger Clerk.

I have enclosed my CV for your review. Thank you for considering my application and look forward to hearing from you. I am available for interview at your convenience.

Yours sincerely,
ZXU

Re: I am trying to translate short story from my Native laguage into English. Can you help me to check the Grammar&Puncutation. I have given thre paragraph. Thanks for your help.

Canada_1966 — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 22:38:24 GMT

Thanks for you comments. As you suggested, I am going to modify the first two paragraphs. And, just to let you know that I have not used any tranlating software.

Re: I am trying to translate short story from my Native laguage into English. Can you help me to check the Grammar&Puncutation. I have given thre paragraph. Thanks for your help.

nona the brit — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 09:10:46 GMT

Hello Canada 1966, welcome to the forum.

I've got a feeling that you ran your own language through one of the translation softwares such as Babelfish as this reads very much like the sort of thing they come up with - translating single words without really being able to consider the overall meaning. It's very odd and almost impossible to understand what you are saying here. Your own English, in your request, is much better. Actually, I wonder if you did write the third paragraph yourself as the style is much much better and it is understandable

This is a story of a girl who came to this city today. Valliammal was waiting with her daughter Pappathi in the corridor of the Government hospitalâs O.P department. Pappathi had developed a fever the day before. Valliammal took her to the Primary Health center; the doctor scared them by saying âShe should be taken to City Hospital immediatelyâ. Valliammal took the first bus in the morning.

Why don't you try the first two paragraphs again yourself as I think you'll get a better result? They are so distorted that I can't make any suggestions.

I am trying to translate short story from my Native laguage into English. Can you help me to check the Grammar&Puncutation. I have given thre paragraph. Thanks for your help.

Canada_1966 — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 03:28:45 GMT

Foot size of signboard letters in the hoardings lived together for the diversified advertising on the wall. Nijam Lady tobacco - R.K.Bras - Cautions! Revolution! - Gospel meetings -Haji Musa Apparel store (Apparel ocean). (30-Sep-1973) That was the day of carrying fire-pot for those who did not believe in god.

That was Maduraiâs usual day. Water pots were meditating by the street water pipes as usual for human beings in a line. The kids were playing on the sand without any fear of âTetanusâ. The passing city transport buses were dispersing the mixture of nationalistâs diesel-smoke. Protineless policemen with pressed half-trouser, were controling the vehicles passing here and there. The human motion in the city was like a Brownian motion. On the left side of the road, there was a small group of protesters, were creeping with chanting slogans against government-imposed price hikes. The people of barefoot, four Gopuras (Towers) of Meenakshi temple, dried Vaigai River, Bridge - Madurai!

This is a story of a girl who came to this city today. Valliammal was waiting with her daughter Pappathi in the corridor of the Government hospitalâs O.P department. Pappathi had a fever first day. Valliammal took her to Primary Health center; the doctor scared them and said âShe should be taken to City Hospital immediatelyâ. Valliammal took the first bus in the morning.

Need help for "Go down, Moses"

Cadzao — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 07:11:30 GMT

"The face was black, smooth, impenetrable; the eyes had seen too much. The negroid hair had been treated so that it cover the skull like a cap, in a single neat-ridged sweep, with the appearance of having been lacquered, the part trimmed out with a razor, so that the head resembled a bronze head, imperishable and enduring."

(William Faulkner, "Go Down, Moses")

Please do me a favor and rephrase the above paragraph.

Thank you so much in advance.

Cadzao

Re: one

Clive — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 13:47:58 GMT

Hi,
The way people talked in the twenties, thirties, and wasnât that much different from today. As a matter of fact youâll see a number of the same words used today. Of course speech patterns change from town to town, state to state and country to country. But one thatâs stayed the same all through the decades, although different, is fads and the use of slang.

What does "one" refer to? Is it gramatically correct? (I have some doubts because I looked for a singular noun the pronoun "one" may stand for but I couldn't find any). What do you think?
'One' here is a noun, not a pronoun. eg There are 6 balls. One is red.

In your paragraph, 'one' means 'a speech pattern'.
ie . . . speech patterns change . . . one that's stayed the same . . is . . .

Best wishes, Clive

real estate paragraph - kindly check for grammar

Creativeguru — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 05:05:44 GMT

A commercial complex designed for next generation. Marathon Future X offers state of the art infrastructure coupled with world class amenities for its occupants. This magnificent complex is the epitome of elegance and luxury. Marathon Future X is a world class office space catering the needs of IT and financial industries