Search results for 'tag:Pronunciation tag:Football' matching tags 'Pronunciation' and 'Football'

Re: Message from John Cleese

Anonymous — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 07:57:03 GMT

The response from the United States of America to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

Message from Her Majesty the Queen.

   â¢   Let us start with your header, the use of Majesty. Here is how it is derived: After the fall of Rome, Majesty was used to describe a Monarch of the very highest rank - indeed, it was generally applied to God. The title was then also assumed by Monarchs of great powers as an attempt at self-praise and despite a supposed lower royal style as a King or Queen, who would thus often be called "His or Her Royal Majesty." The first English king to be styled Majesty was Henry VIII.
   â¢   We can't stand people that think of themselves as Gods. And technically it would be Goddess in this case. "Goddess" have you even seen a picture of your queen.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

   â¢   Yes we sure do elect some bad presidents but that is what you get when you stop inbreeding the "Royal" blood line and end up with nit wits like your son. We like to see change occur every once in awhile. It is expected that we will elect a bad one every now and again but we will just elect another president. You on the other hand are stuck with your nit wits.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she
does not fancy).

   â¢   "Monarchial duties", What is that? What does she do, exactly? Oh, I forgot. "Nothing" So we will gladly let her do her duties. We just won't pay her unless she does something useful. And it figures that she would not want Kansas, that is where a lot of strong pioneering women come from in our history. Pioneering implies that she must do something.

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.

   â¢   Wow, you are a deluded country. If you have not noticed, "The People" rule here, Congress and the Senate just try to keep us happy so they can keep their jobs. And as for the questionnaire if we are happy, we will not notice. If we are not happy, and we do not have the congress or senate to blame, You Will Notice.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

   â¢   So, you think that our authority was conferred to us by you. You gave us the rite to be the United States of America.
   â¢   You should pick up a history book, WE TOOK IT. We will let you know when we want to GIVE it back. Unless you think you can take it back. LOL. Like that would be possible, You can't defend yourselves let alone attack anybody. It might behoove you to remember. The only freedoms you have are the freedoms you can defend. We're Good. How about you?

1.Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

   â¢   noun, adjective Chiefly British - "We are Not British"

2.The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour",
"labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut"
without skipping half the letters,? and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced
by the suffix '-ise'.? Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels.? (look up "vocabulary").

OK, You are starting to sound like the French. Do you really want to be associated with the French?

3.Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let ***
know on your behalf. The *** spell-checker will be adjusted to take
into account the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of -ize.

   â¢   You still using Microsoft, we moved on to Apple, Linux, etc... And using "like" and "you know" is extremely efficient to educated people. For example; The British are becoming "like" the French. And that implies, "You know".
   â¢   See rather than write paragraphs the thought was expressed in a simple statement.

4.July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

   â¢   What, is it to embarrassing for you. I think we will keep it, unless you can take it. LOL

5.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used
for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

   â¢   Nice try, but we can still kick your butts without the guns. They call our lawyers, sharks, for a reason. They eat their prey, go ahead take them on. Our therapists make them feel better after kicking your butts. And as far as only shooting grouse. If you didn't already kill every other animal in the forests that you no longer have, you might actually be able to go hunting. When is the last time you saw a deer in the woods in your country?

6.Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

   â¢   A vegetable peeler will be just fine. By the way do you grow potatoes, carrots, or anything that requires a vegetable peeler. Didn't think so, you have to "farm" for that. And that is just so beneath you. Just keep buying our food.

7.All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.

   â¢   Oh my God(Majesty), you are using that to better us. No wonder you lost your kingdom. Oh we have a "horse" if you want to sell your kingdom. We might even give you two horses.
   â¢   And we understand the British sense of humor. To laugh you must smile, to smile you must have nice "Teeth". "You Know"

8.The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

   â¢   Jealous? Remember that whole "No taxation without representation" thing. You should look into it.

9.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

   â¢   For someone who "used" to have India, you think that you might have learned something about spices. All you got out of that era was vinegar. Come on, go through the Chunnel to France and start learning how to cook. If we take any criticism about our food it will have to come from France.

10.The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for
pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for
them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that
all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

   â¢   Ok, Our beer sucks but if we are going to take criticism about it, Germany will have to do it.

11.Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four
Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.

   â¢   Stick to Documentaries, your country is incapable of producing entertainment movies. You don't laugh, you don't cry, you don't feel, and you think that you can entertain a populace. It would be "akin" to watching black and white, silent movies. Again, go to France, India, Germany, even Japan. But in the end, I think it would be best if you just make Documentaries.

12.You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby -
the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

   â¢   You just don't get entertainment. Yep, we Americans are going to go nuts over watching guys in shorts run around the field for 3 hours and maybe make a score. There might even be an upset match of 2-1. The excitement of it all has me watering at the mouth. And when we are done being thrilled by the game we can switch the channel to watch a bunch of guys piled on top of each other move around on the ground for another three hours. Look up sarcasm in the Oxford English dictionary.
   â¢   Don't worry though, an american can fix it. In soccer, you need to have more excitement. Switch the goalie to a girl and after each successful goal, that goalie must remove an article of clothing. No more of those 1-0 matches, from my figuring almost all matches will be, 10-9 or 10-8. Rugby is easy, just switch to girls, we will never turn the channel.

13.Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is under standable. You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.

   â¢   First get your facts straight, if you learned to do proper research, you would know that Toronto, as in the Toronto Blue Jays, is not with in our countries borders.
   â¢   Second, of course we know their is a world outside of our borders, we supply it with food, we keep it employed by buying its products, and we get a laugh at them when they try and criticize us.

14.You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

   â¢   Hell, we thought you did it. Come on you can tell us.

15.An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

   â¢   Ok, but you must pay all our Social Security benefits, Welfare Benefits, Wic Benefits, and government subsidies back dated to 1776. Want to call that one even? Else, you might owe us some money. We will send the lawyers over.

16.Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.

   â¢   Ok that confirms it. You are pansies.

God Save the Queen!

   â¢   If you weren't paying attention, according to you, God is the Queen. Let her save herself. But if she did that you would have to call her an American.

PS: Go ahead and share this with your friends in the USA (those with a good
sense of humour and NOT humor.)

   â¢   PS. Go ahead and share this with your friends in the UK (those with a good sense of humor. oops my mistake, there are none) I would go on but, "You Know"

Message from John Cleese

Anonymous — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 15:25:54 GMT

> *Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.!*

> A Message from John Cleese (British comedian)

> To: The citizens of the United States of America:

> In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President

> of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the

> revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties

> over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which

> she does not fancy).

> Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for

> America without the need for further elections.

> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

> A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of

> you noticed.

> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following

> rules are introduced with immediate effect:

> You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

> 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will

> be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and

> 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without

> skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the

> suffix -ise.

> Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable

> levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises

> such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form

> of

> communication.

> There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on

> your

> behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account

> of

> the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn

> your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

> 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

> 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

> lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and

> therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

> Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to

> sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then

> you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

> 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything

> more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if

> you

> wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

> 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for

> your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what

> we

> mean.

> 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will

> start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you

> will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of

> conversion tables.

> Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British

> sense of humour.

> 9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

> calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

> fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato

> chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in

> animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

> 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

> beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to

> as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be

> referred to as Lager.

> South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the

> greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.

> They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

> American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so

> that

> all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

> 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

> good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to

> play English characters.

> 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of

> proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in

> time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American

> football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds

> or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try

> Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they

> regularly thrash us.

> 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to

> host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played

> outside of America or Japan. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that

> there

> is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will

> learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to

> take

> the sting out of their deliveries.

> 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

> 16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all

> monies due (backdated to 1776).

> 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never

> mugs,

> with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

> God save the Queen.

> Only He can.

> John Cleese

(If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you. T.T.)

Re: non-native accents

Cool Breeze — Wed, 03 Jan 2007 11:00:25 GMT

Hello Marvin A.

It wasn't my intention to blame the British at all; I merely pointed out a cultural difference, for which there are a number of reasons. There is nothing new for me in what you write about prounouncing names in your post. The same difficulties that you mention exist for speakers of all the world's thousands of languages. There are similar problems, or hindrances or whatever you choose to call them, for speakers of all languages.

I just wanted to highlight a cultural difference: speakers of big languages act differently from speakers of small languages. No Finnish sports commentator knows all the languages but he will spend quite a lot of time trying to learn the correct pronunciation of foreign athletes' names. It is considered uncivilised and impolite not to even try to pronounce them correctly. I watch Italian and Spanish football on TV on a regular basis, and sometimes the commentator thanks the listeners for having told him how to pronounce a Spanish player's name, which he had mispronounced in a previous broadcast.

There is a difference in attitude, that's what I wanted to point out, but to delve deeper into the reasons I should really start a new thread.

No offence meant - even in my previous post. Cheers,
CB

Re: non-native accents

Marvin A. — Wed, 03 Jan 2007 03:40:21 GMT

This is really badly off topic but I couldn't resist the temptation to comment on your correct observation. I understand very well that native speakers of English mispronounce foreign words because foreign languages are not studied much in English-speaking countries.

Well, can you really blame us? In order to pronounce all of the foreign names we're faced with, we would have to know hundreds of different languages--which not many of us do. Also, we would have to know how certain names are Anglicized that were written in different scripts, such as Cyrillic or Greek. We'd also have to know the nationality of the name as well. Also some spellings are altered when written in English. We'd also have to adapt the name to fit English rules, anyway. For example, is a word ended with an [ E ] , in English, it would be pronounced as [ eI ] , because [ E ] is not acceptable at the end of a word. Also, some languages have diacritic marks that don't exist in English. This can change the pronunciation quite a bit. Let's suppose someone had the name Analaupe. In English, this would probably be read as [ Ã¦n@lAp ] or [ Ã¦n@loUp ]. Let's pretend that the name is Italian--then we would approximate it by pronouncing it as [ An@laUpeI ] . But maybe the name's Hawaiian, or Inuk, perhaps. Maybe it's Ethiopian or Greek. We don't know. What if it's French, and the "e" is supposed to have an accent mark on it? Also, there are some sounds that we just can't prononounce, and that we wouldn't use when speaking English. For example, many people pronounce "Bach" not as [ bax ] , but as [ bAk_} ] . We simply don't have the [ x ] sound in English. Beethoven pronounced in English (even by people who know how it ought to be pronounced) is not [ betof@n ] but rather [ betoUv@n ] --simply because it's spelt "Beethoven". People who have no idea how it's pronounced would say [ biToUv@n ] . But notice that even the people who know how it's pronounced in the original language don't even pronounce it correctly.

I suppose we should start criticizing the Japanese for pronouncing the name "Smith" as Sumisu-san, or "Ryan" as Laian-san?

It took me a few seconds in the 1980s to realise an Englishman and I were talking about the same Swedish tennis player, BjÃ¶rn Borg

Well, the average Anglophone does not know Swedish for one thing... let alone even being able to identify that that name is Swedish. I would say, that most would pronounce it as [ b@dZOr\n ] -- as that's how it looks in English. If they knew that in many languages, "j" is pronounced as [ j ] , rather than [ dZ ] , they might say [ bjOr\n ] . The closest approximation in English of the name would be [ bjr-n ] , but notice that both the vowel, and the "r" are still mispronounced. English lacks that vowel sound, as well as lacking that particular kind of "r".

Yes, the things you comment on are terrible, but they are the result of pure ignorance.

Yeah, they are. But let's be reasonable. Do you really expect English speakers to learn the orthography of every language on earth? Let alone to be able to guess which language a particular name is from? And to be able to guess how a particular name was altered to fit English orthography? Or to say unusual sounds that don't exist in English? Not to mention some people have altered the spelling and/or pronunciation of their name after immigrating.

Before the formula driver Michael Schumacher, whose name is always mispronounced, there was another German Schumacher, a football goalkeeper, and a Eurosports commentator pronounced his name shoemaker!

Some English-speaking people who have that particular German name, actually do pronounce it [ SumeIkr- ] . For them, [ SumAk@ ] (or especially [ Sumax@ ] ) would be an incorrect pronunciation of their name. Not all Anglophones know German... And remember, unlike in other languages, in English, one can pronounce ones name however one pleases, regardless of how it's spelt. Some Schumachers pronounce their name [ SumAk@ ] ; others [ Sumax@ ] ; others [ SumeIkr- ] ; other's [ bOb ] . Other Shumachers decide to become Schumakers, or Schoemakers or Shoemakers, or any number of spelling variants, and pronounce it totally differently.

What I find almost amusing is the tendency to pronounce even foreign proper nouns, say, people's names, as if they were English. An Englishman has actually asked me how I would pronounce my name in English!

Maybe he found your name very difficult to pronounce, and wanted to know if there was a shorter easier form of it in English... People with the name Aliahiakanamakumachumanakatachita, often have an "English name" of simply "Ali". Other people take on completely different names when visiting a foreign country. In lots of language classes, one picks for example, a traditional German name, or a French name, such as Xavier, and uses that name in class, and uses it when visiting the foreign country, instead of their actual name.

Re: non-native accents

Cool Breeze — Tue, 02 Jan 2007 10:35:51 GMT

J Lewis wrote:

As I said before, we English-speakers do equally bad things, and worse, in our pronunciation of foreign words. The tendency is to pick on a particular transformation and apply it everywhere, just to show that we know "things are not as they seem" at first sight, without taking the trouble to find out the real pronunciation.

Hello J Lewis

This is really badly off topic but I couldn't resist the temptation to comment on your correct observation. I understand very well that native speakers of English mispronounce foreign words because foreign languages are not studied much in English-speaking countries. What I find almost amusing is the tendency to pronounce even foreign proper nouns, say, people's names, as if they were English. An Englishman has actually asked me how I would pronounce my name in English!

It took me a few seconds in the 1980s to realise an Englishman and I were talking about the same Swedish tennis player, BjÃ¶rn Borg. I have got used to most of these pronunciations, but some of them are quite peculiar. Before the formula driver Michael Schumacher, whose name is always mispronounced, there was another German Schumacher, a football goalkeeper, and a Eurosports commentator pronounced his name shoemaker!

Cheers
CB

Re: preposition OF

CalifJim — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 08:03:33 GMT

of always has the 'v' sound at the end except in (typically faster) informal conversation, where the 'v' is sometimes dropped when the following word begins with a consonant, 'of' then being identical in sound to the word 'a'.

Help! Help! An alligator's got a hold of me! (a hold a me)
A friend of my sister's got a pony for Christmas. (a friend a my sister's)
That's the end of the story. (the end a the story)
A lot of the children already knew how to read. (a lot a the children)
He was the star of the show. (the star a the show)
Today's the start of football season. (start a football season)
She played the queen of spades. (queen a spades)

This form of of is sometimes written o' (but with the same pronunciation as the 'a's above) and has become a fixed part of a few words such as o'clock, jack-o'-lantern, will-o'-the-wisp, and man-o'-war.

This comment applies to American English.

CJ

Bottle

MrPedantic — Fri, 20 May 2005 13:47:49 GMT

I'd say 'to' fits quite well.

As for bottling...I've only heard 'bottle off' in this kind of connection:

1. The band played abysmally, and were bottled off the stage.

i.e. they were forced to retreat in a hail of beer bottles.

Related verbs are 'bottle out', 'to have lost one's bottle', 'bottle it', e.g.

2. We was all going to go down The Den on Saturday afternoon and sort out Millwall, but MrP bottled out.

(= We were planning to visit Millwall Football Club's ground on Saturday afternoon and indulge in fisticuffs with some of their supporters, but MrP suddenly remembered a previous engagement and decided not to accompany us.)

3. Sounds to me like MrP's lost his bottle.

(= I very much fear that MrP no longer has the stomach for a frank exchange of blows.)

4. Yeah, an' that ain't the first time he's bottled it, either.

(= I agree; especially in view of the fact that on previous occasions he has shown a similar reluctance.)

Here's some more info, from the Oxford Dictionary of New Words:

bottle noun
In British slang: courage, spirit, guts. Usually in phrases such as have (got) a lot of bottle, to be spirited or courageous; to have guts; lose one's bottle, to lose one's nerve (and so as a phrasal verb bottle out, to lose one's nerve; to pull out, especially at the last minute).

Etymology:
The phrase no bottle has been used in underworld slang to mean 'no use, worthless' since the middle of the nineteenth century; it is likely that this was reinterpreted this century to mean 'lacking substance or spirit', and that from there bottle started to be used on its own and eventually to be incorporated into new phrases.

The rhyming slang expression bottle and glass for 'arse' is often assumed to have something to do with these expressions (in which case bottle would be more strictly 'guts'), but this may be no more than popular speculation.

History and Usage:
These phrases, which are essentially part of the spoken language, started to appear in written sources in the sixties as representations of Cockney or underworld speech. Their use was reinforced by a milk marketing campaign in the early eighties, the caption for which read 'It's gotta lotta bottle', and by television series such as Minder, in which Cockney expressions were brought to a wide audience.

Bottle out did not appear in the written language at all until the very end of the seventies (at about the same time as this series was first shown).

Goodness, was I going to give her a bad time! Of course, when it got down to it, I bottled out completely.
Robert McLiam Wilson Ripley Bogle (1989), p. 162

You appear not to have the bottle, courtesy or wherewithal to actually approach her in person.
Just Seventeen Dec. 1989, p. 22

Some of the warders lost their bottle and just fled.
News of the World 8 Apr. 1990, p. 6

I'd add:

Pronunciation:
Almost invariably with a central glottal stop.

MrP

Essex English pronunciation

Mister Micawber — Mon, 09 May 2005 14:10:02 GMT

Here is a humorous compilation of expressions set in Essex pronunciation. ESL/EFL students-- the misspellings represent the native pronunciation; see if you can figure out the actual words meant:

A -Z of Essex English:

ASSA COMMONS - Our Parliament Building.
ART ATTACK - Extremely perturbed, as in "Don't tell Sharon, She'll have an
art attack."
ARST - Past tense of ask. "Jordan, I must've arst ya free fazzund times to
clear up yer room."
BANNSA - A person employed to deny access or eject troublemakers at a club.
"Dave's got izself a job as a bannsa."
BANTY - A chocolate and coconut snack bar.
BAVE - To wash oneself.
BOAF - The two. "Oi Dave, ooja fancy most, Sharon or Tracy?" "Boaf" is the
reply.
BRANSATCH - Motor racing circuit in Kent.
CANCEL - Administrative body of a town. "Darren, wive ad annuvva letter from
the cancel."
CANTAFIT - Fake, as in money.
CHOONA - An edible fish purchased in a tin and usually prepared with
mayonnaise.
CORT A PANDA - A big hamburger (smaller than an arf panda)
DAN TO URF - Sensible, practical.
DANNING STREET - Where the Prime Minister lives.
DANSTEZ - On the ground floor , where the biggest telly is.
DREKKUN - Do you consider? as in "Which dog drekkun'll win the next race?"
EFTY - Considerable. "Ere, Trace, this credit card bill's a bit efty."
EJOG - A small, spiky animal.
ERZ - Belonging to her.
EVVY - A big geezer who protects a smaller and more intelligent geezer,
usually for money. "My name's Frank and this is my evvy, Knuckles."
EYEBROW - Cultured, intellectual.
FANTIN - A jet of water for drinking or ornament.
FARVA - A posh way of saying Dad.
FATCHA - Margaret, British Prime Minister 1979 - 1990.
FINGY - A person or object whose name doesn't come to mind. "I ad it off wiv
fingy last night."
FONG - Skimpy undergarment.
FOR CRYIN AT LAAD - Mild expletive showing annoyance or surprise. E.G."For
cryin at lad, Britney, if I say yes will you give it a rest?"
GAWON - Go on. "Gawon Darren, eat ya granny's cabbage, it'll do yer good."
GIVE IT LARGE - To be thorough or enthusiastic.
GRAND - A football stadium. "It all wennoff atside the pub near the grand."
HAITCH - Letter of the alphabet between G and I.
IBEEFA - The Spanish holiday island.
IFFY - Dubious. "Ere, Trace, I fink this bread pudding you made last munf's
a bit iffy."
INT - Indirect suggestion. " I gave Darren a sort of int that it was time to
wash iz feet."
IPS - An unknown area of a woman's body to which chocolate travels. âThat
Mars Bar will go straight to me ips."
JA - Do you, did you. "Ja like me new airdo, Sharon."
JACKS - Five Pound note. "Lend us a jacks, wilya?"
JAFTA - Is it really necessary? "Oi mate, jafta keep doing that?"
KAF - Eating house open during the day.
KAFFY - A girl's name.
LAD - Noisy. "Jordan, turn that music dan, it's too lad."
LARJ - Enjoying oneself.
LEVVA - Material made from the skin of an animal.
LOTREE - Costs Â£1 for a ticket.
MA BLARCH - An arch near Hyde Park.
MAFFS - The study of numbers.
MANOR - Local area.
MINGER - An unattractive person (usually woman).
NARRA - Lacking breadth, with little margin. "Mum wannid to come rand but
changed er mind. That was a narra escape."
NARTAMEAN - Do you know what I mean? (sometimes used as janartamean).
NEEVA - Not one nor the other.
NES - National Elf Service.
OAF - A solemn declaration of truth or committment.
OLLADAY - Time taken away from home for rest and adventure.
ONNIST - Fair and just, without a lie. "I never did it, onnist."
OPPIT - Go away , as in "Oi you, oppit."
PADDA PUFF - Soft, lacking aggression. "They're alright up front but they
got a padda puff defence."
PACIFIC - Specific.
PAFFUL - Having much power or strength.
PAIPA - Sun, Mirror etc.
PANS AN ANNSIS - Imperial weight system.
PLAMMANS - A pub lunch usually made up of cheese and bread.
QUALIDEE - Good, as in "West 'Am's new striker's qualidee."
RAND - A number of drinks purchased for a group.
RANDEER - Locally. "There ain't much call for it randeer."
REBAND - Period of recovery after rejection by a lover. "I couldn't 'elp it.
I was on the reband from Craig."
ROOFLESS - Without compassion.
SAFF - A direction of the compass, opposite north.
SAFFEND - An Essex seaside town.
SAWTED - Done, arranged, resolved.
SEEVIN - Very angry. "I woz seevin when I urd wot 'e sed."
TALENT - Attractive members of the opposite sex. "Dave's gan dan tan to eye
up the talent."
TAN ASS - A modern terraced house.
TOP EVVY - A woman of plentiful bosom. "Ere look at that, Darren, she's well
top evvy."
UG - An unattractive person. "Sharon's new geezer's a bit of an ug."
UMP - Upset, as in Got the Ump.
VACHER - A document, which can be exchanged for goods or services. "I got a
vacher to get in cheap at Forp Park."
WANNED UP - Tense. "I'm all wanned up at the moment."
WAWAZUT? - I beg your pardon.
WENNOFF - A fight commenced as in "It all wennoff".
YAFTA - You must : "Even if yer guilty, yafta av mitigating circumstances."
YOOF OSTALL - A place where holidaymakers can stay the night.
ZAGGERATE - To suggest something is better or bigger than is true. "Craig, I
mustâve told ya a fazzund times already." "Don't zaggerate, mum."

Perhaps an Essex member of English Forums can give us an opinion on register, etc.

Re: Why American English??

Guest — Tue, 15 Mar 2005 08:40:12 GMT

To the citizens of the United States of America:
In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium."
Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'(pronounced 'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh
You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary."
Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show.
If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.
When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English."
We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.
English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon."
If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.
We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football."
There is only one kind of football.
What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.
It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2006.

You should stop playing baseball.
It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.
November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England.
It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned.
They are crap, and it is for your own good.
When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.
You will start driving on the left with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips.
Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips.
Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.
Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps."
Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager.
From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager."
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine."
This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the former USA.
The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults.
If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

Someone please read this and tell me if these stuff are true.

Guest — Fri, 11 Mar 2005 07:24:06 GMT

I READ THIS FROM OTHER WEBSITE AND PASTE IT HERE. I HAVE NO CONNECTION WITH THIS MESSAGES.
--------------------------
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium."
Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'(pronounced 'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh
You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary."
Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show.
If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.
When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English."
We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.
English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon."
If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.
We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football."
There is only one kind of football.
What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.
It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2006.

You should stop playing baseball.
It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.
November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England.
It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned.
They are crap, and it is for your own good.
When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.
You will start driving on the left with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips.
Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips.
Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.
Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps."
Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager.
From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager."
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine."
This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the former USA.
The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults.
If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.