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Re: Evaluative/Review Essay-Please help!

Castellano — Mon, 23 Oct 2006 00:46:23 GMT

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is a (truly is a hollow adjective here) superb reality show that first aired on December 3, 2003. Each 60 minute episode features a team of designers, contractors and several hundred workers who must race against time: (you could subsititute the colon with a semicolon or a hyphen if you want) they only have a week to rebuild a house, a task that would normally take 4 months to do. Each episode begins with host Ty Pennington's famous "Good morning!" wake-up call, when he, along with the other designers surprise the unsuspecting family that their home would be redesigned. The families then get to go on a seven day vacation until the renovation has completed. When the family returns from their vacation in a tinted limo, they see a bus blocking their view of their new home. Now, Ty and the family tell the bus driver to âmove that bus!" so the family can be amazed at the renovation. The show ends when Ty gives the keys to this lucky family.

(Start a new paragraph here because you are talking about something new.) Extreme Makeover: Home Edition a winner of two Emmy Awards as Best Reality Program (non-competitive), is entering its 4th season on ABC and is watched by millions. In its second season, it was one of the ten most popular shows on American television but it has become less popular now. The show is a by-product of Extreme Makeover; provides medical operations, weight loss programs and other beauty help to people who want to look better. Both programs are produced by Endemol USA, a division of Endemol Holding. (I am confused by the bold sentenecs. Are you trying to say that the Home Edition of Extreme Makeover also provides medical operations, weight loss programs, etc... ?)

The show has helped a rainbow of families, those who have financial problems, and those who have lost loved ones. (Could you possibly say from what these people have unfortunately died?) Evidently, families benefit enormously from this show. They have a new lease on life and are given that second chance that many of us are not fortunate enough to receive. (I don't think this is what you mean, perhaps you should write that their homes are now much more elegant, etc...) But are all problems solved after receiving such a gift? What would studies show post-Extreme Makeover: Home Edition? Are the creators of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition applying the golden rule or are they endorsing tax evasion?

Notes:

- Alert: you are introducing ideas and thoughts in your last paragraph. The last paragraph must merely restate your thesis and arguments, it must not introduce anything new, at all! You have some excellent arguments against the show, but you need to put the arguments in the beginning of your critical essay, not at the end. This I won't do for you, try it yourself!

- Your essay is quite informative; I wouldn't consider it technical. If you want your essay to flow more smoothly, proofread the sentences yourself and change accordingly. Make sure you write good sentences, which should reiterate information and should introduce new information to the reader. Further, don't introduce things too quickly or too abruptly, or you will wind up with choppy sentences.

Remember to come back if you need more proofreading and help! Very good start!

Re: proofreading#2

Castellano — Sun, 15 Oct 2006 22:39:22 GMT

Ever since its birth, this dog has been with Larry. Now, the dog was malodorous, old, crippled and blind, but Larry was always with it. (The adj. stinky is too colloquial to be employed in written English.) Larry's roommate, John, wanted to get rid of the dog because he was bothered by the smell. Even though the dog left the room, the smell would still remain in the room. One day, they sat opposite each other at the table, playing cards. John said that his friend's dog herded a lot of pups and that he wanted to get some of them; but Larry paid no attention about what he said.

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Couple of things:

- You need to connect your sentences. A good solid sentence will always remind the reader of something and introduce the reader TO something. Connect your sentences with commas, semicolons, hyphens, etc... Use adverbs too, like but, also, because, etc...

- Use spell check; it will pick up or flag spelling and grammatical errors.

Now, try to edit your second paragraph. If you still think you need help, write back!

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A bunk house stood somewhere in the plain. There was about eight beds in it. All labor men who worked in the barley farm lived there. The boss's daughter-in-law lived a miled away. People in the bunk house talked about her. She was a tramp who gave the eye to every one she saw.

Re: Proofreading & Grammar

rommie — Fri, 19 Mar 2004 17:42:46 GMT

Tee hee. Re Darth Vader. Yup, his waiting has ended, but he's still using the right tense. Of the alternatives, "I had been waiting for you" would have implied that the waiting had ended in the past, and "I am waiting for you" would have implied that Luke hadn't arrived yet.

Okay, here goes on the proofreading:
1. "would" should read "played".
2. You need a period after "me". And another one after "denied" (instead of a comma). Actually, there are other alternatives, like dashes and semicolons and things, but definitely not a comma, and definitely not nothing at all. As for the rest, you probably need something like "It's better to have fought for love and lost than never to have tried". In this context, "for" means in order to find this love.

Rommie

Another quotation mark question.

Guest — Tue, 17 Feb 2004 00:31:44 GMT

I am new and I came across this website as a result of a Google search for punctuation marks. I am actually doing a lot of editing and proofreading these days. The writer I am currently working on seems to detest introducing quoted material with anything so mundane as "He said, she said."

Typically, he writes in the following way:

=== Yaja smiled at the king. âYour wife desired a daughter." ===

My question is about that period. It doesn't seem right to me. I think the logical relationship between the two is clear here and a comma would be the correct punctuation to use.

On the other hand, what about this:

=== Again the heavenly voice was heard. âThis is Krishnaa, who has appeared to do the work of the gods and to bring about the destruction of countless evil princes.â ===

Is a period, comma, or colon more appropriate here?

In case you are interested, this is from a popularization of the Indian epic, Mahabharata.

I'll be registering under the username Jagat and will be back.

Thanks for your help.