Search results for 'tag:Spelling tag:Jokes' matching tags 'Spelling' and 'Jokes'

Five year phase-in plan for "EuroEnglish"

ISU_152 — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 13:54:31 GMT

    The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which
was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's
government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and
has accepted a five year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".

     In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour
of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less
letter.

     There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20% shorter.

     In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of
the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

     By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".

     During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou"   and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a realy sensibl
riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it
ezi to understand each ozer

     ZE DREAM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

But all jokes have part of truth - this variant of english like me better

Re: MM's 10-letter word

Mister Micawber — Fri, 30 May 2008 23:34:26 GMT

.
pejoration -- No. What happened to pluperfect?
Is it ... an adjective? a noun? a verb? -- A noun

Would you say it's related to ... grammar? vocabulary? pronunciation?-- Pronunciation.

I'm not going to be very coy with this one, because I don't think it's in anyone's active vocabulary. I just happened to think of it because it's related to Spoonerisms... and I had to look it up to check the spelling. It is a phenomenon which produced this mouldy old joke:

A Latino named Jose went to America to see the Yankees vs. the Red Socks. When he got his ticket, it was in the nosebleed section. He did not care what section he was in. Anyway, it was game day. Everyone stood for the National Anthem. When Jose got home, he said, "Mama, they made a song in America just for me." -- "How does it go, hijo?" -- "It goes, 'Jose, can you see?'

Re: Regularising the irregular

Kooyeen — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 23:11:04 GMT

LOL, I see MrP had trouble understanding the new standard spelling
In fact, that was a joke... It is pretty difficult to read, because no one is used to that kind of spelling. This pretty much demonstrate that not even such a change would be possible in practice. You could teach children that way, but what would adults do? It wouldn't be possible in practice, if you wanted to try. So English will remain this way... and maybe in 1000 years it won't have anything to do with the way it's written!

@Jim: Well, I was referring to English verbs... Italian verbs? Yeah, you have to learn how to conjugate them all, so it's a pain in the neck. Thank God I learned it naturally, because it seems so complex to me that I don't think I would be able to learn how to speak Italian as a foreign language.

Re: Fun Learning Jokes :)

Lakshwadeep — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 05:23:12 GMT

You, mctastic, truly didn't understand the point of the quotation that precedes the word "Handey." If you would notice, then you would have realized that "Handey" is actually the American humorist Jack Handey. Why else would someone put the word "handy" in parentheses after a quotation? Perhaps you did not realize that you are the one who misspelled: you wrote "should" as "shoukd" and also wrote "seen" instead of "seeing."

Also, for my whole life I've never heard an American English speaker use "nut" as an predicate adjective. Remember that this forum is for people who are learning English as a second language. It is unproductive to blindly criticize a word when you don't even realize it is a person's name. Please be more aware of your own mistakes before you decide to judge those of others (of which Kooyeen had none). Finally to quote from you, with better spelling, "I just thought I should let you know as you were correcting the person above you when you needed correcting yourself!"

Re: Whomever vs. whoever

Clive — Sat, 21 Oct 2006 01:19:14 GMT

A couple of trivial and irrelevant things.

Hi anonymous person,

no , it didn't. in fact i think it's better to be more formal. Your remark seems ironic to me because of the complete lack of capitals. Was this deliberate? Did I just misread your joke?

Hi MrP,

someone must speak for patients and carers. I don't think I've heard this word before. For a moment, I thught it was a misspelling of 'careers'. I know a 'caregiver' gives care. Does a 'carer' simply . . . care? Is this some new form of politically correct speech?

Best wishes, Clive

Re: Same sound - different letters

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Oct 2006 05:15:14 GMT

the problem with English spelling is that we borrow and have borrowed an infinite amount of words over the years but have never been good about changhing the original orthography when we take these words into our writing system; thus, we have many words that don't seem to conform to any particular systematic way of representing sound in letters. If you look more closely, you can see patterns for certain sound representations. For example, 'ck' is only used to represent the sound at the end of a word in spelling. This can be seen in words like book, stack, flick, pick, etc. At least some of these spellings of words might be linked to this phenomena. The difference in spelling can also be seen as an advantage though. Despite being pronunced the same way, the words that you introduced are definately different words so the different method of spelling eliminates confusion in writing if the context in which the word appears would not provide enough detail to distinguish which word is being used. You might want to take up some etymological study and look at the root of words, especially those from Latin, Greek, and French that would not only greatly assist you in deducing the semantics behind new words but also to reason out the spelling.
It's late here, maybe I should have used some simpler sentence structures here, especially if the question was posted by a non-native speaker.

this also reminde me of a joke me and my friends have that we alway's use while driving.

"I wanna turn left, right?"

"Right, left."

Re: Very Important Questions!

Woodward — Sat, 19 Nov 2005 21:52:32 GMT

1) How long is a piece of string?

Exactly 27.82cm. Anything other this is either shorter or longer than it should be.

2) Who Said an Orange should be called an Orange , and not a Window?

First, windows weren't invented back then. Second, it was almost called a Green because long ago, at the time when there were no windows, they used to eat oranges before they were ripe, when they were green.

3) What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it?

It's called a floorroom.

4) Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Every knows that the sun will not last for ever and of course if there is no sun, there is no day, only night. So someone with a little foresight decided to start saving daylight for that tragic day. Where do they keep it? They keep it tightly compacted in little missiles that they will later send up into the air and explode, thus giving us daylight. That's why so much light comes out of an atomic bomb when is exploded.

5) Are there any Bi-polar bears?

Yes, it is quite a typical occurance in natural. That's why they have that 'I want to go up to you and cuddle you' appearance but one which will leave you with your intestines being chewed on if you go and try it. Yet they can just leave you alone too. You never know until you try with these characters.

6) Are Nobel Gases Knighted?

Well no they aren't. They are ignited to hide the smell since when you are sitting with fellow barons and other royalty, it's not really appreciated having it drifting over the dinner table. Not wise having all those candles about too.

7) Who Cares for the Care Bears?

No-one. That's why you don't see them around any more. Since nobody cared for them, they all died.

8) Is duck tape made out of ducks?

Well the original duck tape was made from a mixture of duck fat and paper. They used to use it in the lower mountain regions of China. The duck they used was from the same family as the Peking Duck.

9) Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?

This is out of consideration for the small island countries that are to the right of the international date line. They would feel left out and not a part of the rest of the world if they didn't have their day along with everyone else.

10) Why get even, when you can get odd?

This expression comes from years of playing poker. If you get evens or in other words pairs, it will win you a lot more money that having odds, or non-pairs. That's why they say 'get even' because you will win if you do.

11) Why does a grapefruit look nothing like a grape?

It is in fact a type of grape. About 500 years ago, there were a lot of grapes in the Southern region of Paraguay. But with Global warming, the normally rainy Amazonic region to the north has had a permenant change in redistribution of the rainfall. It is currently raining a lot more present day in the South of Paraguay than it did 500 years ago. So now the grapes that used to be grown there have been saturated so often by rainfall that they were continually swollen in size. With each generation of grape produced in the region, it retained a little of its swollen size. The problem with this is that the vines couldn't cope with the excess weight so they became tree like in form. And since the fruit grew higher from the ground than normal, over time it created a defense mechanism of a thick skin (the peel) so that it wouldn't explode on contact with the ground when it fell.

12) Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?

Well actually chilies are not hot despite common belief, they are in fact incredible cold. The burning sensation you have in your mouth is not from heat but from the cold. It's like when you hold some ice cubes in your hand, it kind of hurts because of the cold. That's the same sensation in your mouth. The association for the protection of the Chilies rights are currently pleading their case at the UN to get this common misconception rectified since it is causing irrepairable damage to their name.

13) Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

No, it is totally forbidden in that way that Humanitarians are not permitted to eat humans either.

14) Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

It is because of the original starting position of the rain and snow. The next time you are flying above the clouds (in a plane I mean) take a close look at them. You will see that the top of the cloud doesn't look wet at all. Why? Because the rain is being held inside the cloud (you just can't see it). So when something comes out of your hand by accident, it drops, just like the rain that is being held by the cloud. Now if you take another look at the cloud, very closely at the top of it, you will see that it is usually covered in a light fluffy substance. This is the snow sitting on top of the cloud. Now, sometimes when the cloud moves, the snow just falls off it. Like if you have a cup on the table, it falls off and doesn't drop. That's the origin of rain drop and snow fall.

15) Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

That is because no-one every finishes doctor school. People who want to be doctors are in fact slow learners and a practice is to cover that fact. They are constantly practising or experimenting on you. You will often hear them say... Let me see (because they have never seen it before and they are curious). That's why Tests are called tests. A blood test is a way of saying, I need to test (using your blood) whether I am right or wrong because I don't know in the first place.

16) Why is clear considered a color?

Because it is. If you look at a clear thing really really closely, and I mean get your nose right up to it, you will see the clear is in fact a very, very light white.

17) Who chose Dyslexic ( sp? ooh the ultimate irony) as a word for peeps who have spelliing difficulties?

Dr Dyslex's secretary. The truth is that he had no problem spelling, he was just alcoholic and got things a little mixed after the fifth bottle. It used to be a bit of a joke with all the ladies who worked with him. If anyone did anything a little wrong or made a mistake, they would say, "Aren't you a little dyslexic today". Funnily enough, when ever the doctor made cheques, the bank tellers would say the same thing referring to his writing.

18) Why isnt the word Palindrome, a Palindrome?

Well, Palidrome is actually an abbreviation for Palindromeemordnilap. Since it is too long to say (especially at 3 in the morning after a couple of bottles of red wine), it is almost always shorten.

19) Why does the alphabet go a,b,c ,d etc... and why does it have to have 26 letters?

The creators of the Alphabet thought they would write it according the most common words that were used by babies and young children. According to the internationally reknown Child psychologist of the time, Dr. Sdik Etahi, the first sounds are usually, a, a ,a, and then ba, ba, or caca then frequently they say dada, then the next vowel they use is the E which gives them babe, ace, dead and so on. So that is why the alphabet starts with A and ends with Z (since kids almost never use Z in their first words).

Originally there were more than 26 letters, in fact there were 47 and a half letters. Over time the Alphabet got smaller and smaller in much the same way as computers have done. They took up too much space. There are rumours that eventually the World Alphabet Association (WAA) would like to reduce the alphabet to include only 12 letters to make it easier to type words and so keyboards can be made smaller.

Re: Please all, read and comment.

adomi — Mon, 05 Sep 2005 06:02:33 GMT

Hi The Sweet Desert,

The Sweet Desert wrote:
I really like accurate people

so do I, but I really doubt I'm that much accurate

remember that even native speakers commit mistakes, don't they?.

I guess they are, but I'm not a native English Speaker

Your words were all marvelous and the advice you gave me about dealing with mom, how wonderful it is to have a sincere person like you.

Thanks,but don't put too much trust in me, I might disappoint you as well(though I don't want to). remember.....I'm what they call a "Human Being"!

JOKE...you have a spellling mistake in the word , business, you forgot the,i, got ya pal.

Yep! You got me... Thanks for noticing it for me, and prepare yourself to see many of this kind of mispelling from me..so, don't freak out.

Hey guess what? you wrote "spelling" with three "l" ....we really better stick to the RULE.

Butte of the joke

Anonymous — Fri, 01 Jul 2005 19:34:12 GMT

hi everyone

i have heard once this expression(she was the butte of the joke in college)

well, i am not sure about the spelling of butte ((it just sounds like but))

Re: Canadianisms. Eh?!

Guest — Fri, 01 Apr 2005 14:28:06 GMT

Canadianisms, eh?

Obviously, some of these things are uniquely Canadian, such as the coins and French words, however a lot of these seem like "normalisms", i.e. not u.s., just like a lot of things are the same the world over, except for the u.s., especially names of things. I assume the writing underneath each item is what the USians refer to it as, unless it's obviously just an explanation.

-----

Serviette here too.

Interesting that you call a bathroom a washroom, what would you call a room that had a sink (so you could wash), but no bath? Or would that still be a washroom, so there's no distinction for a room with a bath?

Shreddies here too (don't worry USians, for once, you're not missing out on much).

Smarties - I've always wondered why M&M's even existed, considering they are just a crappy version of Smarties, but not significantly cheaper (in fact, they might even cost more). I suppose I should have guessed they were a U.S. thing. Bit of a ripoff though, eh? Apparently, the chap who "invented" them, saw some Spaniards eating something similar during the Spanish Civil War, I wonder if they were Smarties?

Back bacon - Are the only pigs with backs in the entirety of the Americas, in Canada? Can't say I understand why USians refer to it as Canadian bacon. It's from the Canadian part of the pig?.

Bread - confusing. When you say "whole wheat", do you mean "wholemeal"? If so, and you call wholemeal/wheat bread simply "brown", what do you call brown bread that isn't wholemeal/wheat. Here we have white, brown and wholemeal... I think, you're starting to make me wonder now .

Homogenised milk I'm not too sure about at all. It seems to ring a bell, but I can't ever really remember talking about it and certainly not regularly, so I suppose that means one of three things; 1) All the milk here is homogenised, 2) None of the milk here is homogenised, or 3) It's so unpopular, I've never come across it.

Whipping cream here too. Strange the USians go for "heavy" considering it's designed for whipping, plus, once it is whipped, it's light and fluffy. Also, if they just use a light, medium and heavy grading, what do they call clotted cream?

Coriander here too. Cilantro sounds like a liqueur.

Onions - No idea, I don't cook and I don't really eat onions.

Icing sugar here too. Again, a different name in the u.s. Although the adjective isn't inappropriate, why not icing sugar? Is it used for many other things, too?

Table here too.

Robertson screwdrivers here too apparently, but I don't know how popular they are. I haven't heard of them before now, but I'm a layman. I think in Canada, everyone has heard of them, right?

Arse/bum, of course. Ass is the real name for which donkey is slang. However, the word has, of course, been subverted the world over, and if someone says "ass", you know they're an USian (unless it's a bible quote, of course).

The states/the u.s. - Yes, America is a continent (or apparently, two, depending on where you're taught, can anyone confirm this?), but I'm sure you still call them "Americans" (they are of course, it's just not their nationality). I've been pondering for a while what to refer to them as (something a little more official than "yanks"). As you can see, your mention of this has prompted me to refer to them as USians in this post. I can't quite bring myself to say it out loud though, I'm sure everyone would just look at me funny :p . Also, how would it be pronounced, yoo'ess'ee'ns or us'ee'ns? I'm leaning towards the latter for some reason.

"Chip trucks" - Slightly strange that you say "truck" rather than "van", but *very* strange that you say "chip". I thought your chips/fries/crisps naming conventions had been completely taken over by the u.s. version. For the record, here, chips are chunks of potato approximately an inch thick, by about 1/4 to 1/2 an inch thick, by the length of the potato long, deep fried. Fries (not French, because they're not) are very thin, dry, stiff, crunchy on the outside, powdery on the inside "potato" about 1/4 of an inch square by the length of the potato, that you get with Burger King, McDonalds and KFC (the ones at KFC can be less stiff and dry, more floppy, and less powdery inside unlike the ones at Burger King and McDonalds, although for all I know, that could just be the plebs at my local KFC not "cooking" them "properly"). Crisps are the thin, crisp, flavoured snacks that come in a small plastic bag, or more recently, a cardboard tube (Pringles). They are either made from very thin slices of potato, corn or moulded potato slop (they (Pringles) like to call it "dough").

Milk in bags? Sounds enormous fun, not too practical though, perhaps you could elaborate? Also, if you can buy it in jugs, how is it sealed, or is it not sealed because you just mean bought from the farmer down the road?

We have Esso (not Exxon, is that the same thing with just a different name?), all the others you mention sound very Canadian.

Never heard of Molson or Labatt (I'm sure they're local brands), but I'm glad to hear you don't partake of the gant's piss the USians like to call "beer". I thought that could easily be a habit that might cross the border. I presume lager is still the main type of beer you lot drink though.

Cuba - haha, I presume that's a reference to the u.s., are they still not allowed cigars or holidays to Cuba?

Health care - Yes, most non-third world countries have "free" healthcare, paid for by taxes and then allowed equally to everyone for no extra charge, don't they?

Weather conversations - of course! However, I've been lead to believe that lots of nationalities around the globe barely discuss the weather, let alone mention it regularly.

Drinking age - in most countries this is 16 - 18, I struggle to believe it truly is 21 in the u.s., I wonder if it's an in-joke they're playing on the rest of the world, but being so close, I suppose you'd know, unless you're in on it . For the record, here it's officially 18, but unofficially more like 16. E.g. if a copper "caught" some 16 and 17 year olds drinking and they weren't behaving like raucous yobs, then he'd probably just confiscate their alcohol and tell them not to do it again. Plus, most parents would allow their 16 year olds to drink.

I'm not sure I understand your "potato chips" entry, apart from the "all dressed", which sounds interesting, if a little vomit inducing.

"British spelling" - pfft, there's no such thing. There's only "normal" spelling (someone more critical might say "correct") and U.S. spelling.

Zed - I actually found this site whilst looking for an answer to why USians call the last letter of the alphabet "zee". Anyone have any ideas?

I didn't mention some of the things that were obviously different or irrelevant.

I tried not to go too much into the habit of the u.s. to come up with completely different (and sometimes obscure, strange and less appropriate) words, and especially, names for things, because that's entirely a different story, it's good to see that you haven't been completely taken over (although about 95%) by the USian vernacular.

P.S: I posted this when there were no replies, but it will take a while before it appears because I'm a "Guest". Just in case some people reply before this appears and it looks out of place or contradictory.

Trevor