Re: Please help improve my paragraph

Mister Micawber — Mon, 10 Oct 2005 12:16:50 GMT

Learning Biology -- capitalize all the main words of a title.

Biology is considered one of the hardest subjects that students have to learn.-- Try to use more formal vocabulary for essays; here, hardest should be replaced with most difficult.

It is because biology exercises are impossible to solve if we don't have a strong basic knowledge.-- It does not refer clearly to anything here; when referring back to a complex statement, use this. Do not use contractions in essay-writing; change don't to do not.

Even if we have, there are a lot of difficulties in solving them without mastering exercise skills.-- a lot of is too informal; use considerable or another synonym (but not much in affirmative sentences).

For instance, a student who knows a lot about biology theory still can't reach 5/10 marks in his contest just because he hasn't ever solved the kind of exercises given in the test before.-- 5/10 marks is unclear, though it must be the way your school marks scores; be sure that you use words and phrases generally understood by your reader. An examination is not a contest.

Another reason explains why students feel sick of biology is lack of learning equipment.-- reason and explains and why are redundant: Another reason is...

This factor makes the students confused in what they've already learned.-- this sentence displays shaky logic: lack of equipment does not explain student confusion.

For example, we must learn about " DNA definition" but we still don't have an imagination on its sharp, its color, its structure... -- the definition of 'DNA'. We still cannot imagine. Do not use ellipses except to show omitted words of a quotation.

In conclusion, studying biology is not an easy work for most students all over the world -- delete all over the world as redundant. Work here is uncountable.

Overall, your essay has good basic structure, but it is not long enough; you must explain each point more thoroughly before you introduce your examples. Your conclusion also needs more than a simple repetition of the thesis.

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Re: Please help improve my paragraph