You've gone back and forth between present tense and past tense.

Once upon a time in a faraway land, where all things are beautiful, all creatures big and small, there lies a young boy born to be one of the successful legends of world class entertainment of all time. (tense)

You went back and forth between past and present tense.

Try google "data commentary" and you'll find a few sites on how to tackle this.

I think the main problem is sample size, not "accuracy". Your sample size is too small. And I don't know if random sampling is the best method in such a case.

What do you mean by "exploit animals for the human purposes"? Meat eaters exploit animals; so do those who buy leather goods.

I'm not sure that having studied overseas will help your case. Doesn't the university give preference to those who never have a chance to study abroad?

I think you can develop your ideas a bit more if you do not jump from idea to idea. I usually cover the causes in the first half and the solutions in the second half of the essay, but that's just how I've always handled these essay

You need to be more consistent with your tenses.

I've highlighted a few things that you might want to correct/rephrase. Although Vincent sold only one painting out of all his works ; (punctuation) even after his death he carried on his artistic ability (rephrase. He's dead. )The