http://www.englishforums.com/search/pro.htm?q=user%3aferpectedit&o=DateDescendingSearch results for 'user:ferpectedit'en-USXMOD (Build: 3616.28671)http://www.englishforums.com/English/PleaseReviewMotivationLetterBachelor-Exchange/hxdpc/post.htm#656623Wed, 28 Jan 2009 23:07:16 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:656623ferpecteditI work for an online editing and proofreading service where we see many, many letters of motivation. Please see my profile for more information. I won't revise your whole letter here, but I will show you the changes I would make to your first and second paragraphs (which I have combined into one). To The Selection Committee: I am writing to apply to the __ Exchange Programme. I am from the Netherlands. I was born in Nijmegen where I went to primary and secondary school. I moved to __ almost two years back to attend __ __ __. RSM was the perfect choice for me. I have completed all my first-year courses and all courses of the first trimester of the second year with a grade-point average of__. I now want to be part of your programme,...http://www.englishforums.com/English/PleaseMotivationLetter/hnhvc/post.htm#650855Thu, 22 Jan 2009 01:02:57 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:650855ferpecteditHello: I work for an online proofreading and editing service. Please see my profile for more info. I won't revise your whole essay here, but I will show you the changes I would make in your first two paragraphs (which I have combined into one). To The Selection Committee: I have lived my whole life in the same country, in the same city, so my dearest dream is to study abroad after I graduate high school. I love my hometown but feel a strong need to discover new cultures and gain new experience. Studying at the English-taught bachelor's programme in Economics and Business, at the University of Amsterdam will provide me with the knowledge and change of scene that I crave. The beginning of your motivation letter is basically sound,...http://www.englishforums.com/English/CallingFriendsReviewEssayFranklin-MarshallCollege/hlxpp/post.htm#648818Tue, 20 Jan 2009 03:48:26 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:648818ferpecteditHello: I work for an online editing and proofreading service. Please see my profile for more info. I won't revise your whole essay here, but I will show you the changes I would make in the first paragraph. I am choosing Franklin & Marshall because I value close relationships with my professors. I am the type of student who wants to fully understand her teacher’s message, who visits teachers’ offices and who can attribute much of her achievement in school to the relationships she has cultivated with teachers. I want to sit with Professor Nicholas Montemarano in the Philadelphia Alumni Writers' House discussing some of his newly published short stories and getting his advice on my essay. Among the top 40 colleges in America,...http://www.englishforums.com/English/PleaseCorrectMyWording/hmrjd/post.htm#643855Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:14:27 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:643855ferpecteditHello: I work for an online editing and proofreading service. Please see my profile for more info. I won't revise your entire essay here but I will show you the changes I would make in the first paragraph. The film The Kite Runner takes place from 1980 to 1988. The main characters are a wealthy man from Iran and his son. They live in Afghanistan. The father complains about his son because when the son is in trouble, he does not fight back. The son has a friend named Hasan. Hasan and his father work in the wealthy family’s house. The Kite Runner is a title of a full-length movie, so it should also be italicized. And the movie does include "The" as a quick search on Google attests. The movie was just filmed recently:...http://www.englishforums.com/English/NeedCommentOnMySop/hjkpg/post.htm#632722Tue, 06 Jan 2009 17:51:30 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:632722ferpecteditHello, I work for an online editing and proofreading site which handles a fair number of personal statements and motivation letters for postgraduate students. Please see my profile for more info. I won't do your whole letter here, but I will show you how I would revise your first two paragraphs which I have combined into one. I am a student in the physics department of (my univ). During the course of my graduate study, I have developed a keen interest in photonics and wish to pursue a Ph.D.in that field. I studied electronics and telecommunication engineering as an undergraduate at (Undergraduate univ) where the phenomena of light-matter interaction first caught my attention. My introduction to optoelectronic devices and optical...http://www.englishforums.com/English/FourParagraphsChecked/hzbjn/post.htm#610407Fri, 12 Dec 2008 19:23:16 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:610407ferpecteditWhoops, I notice now that I didn't get rid of the "your" in front of skin. The sentence should read "Smoking damages and dries skin and stains fingers and nails yellow." Sorry about that.http://www.englishforums.com/English/FourParagraphsChecked/hzbjn/post.htm#610397Fri, 12 Dec 2008 19:05:28 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:610397ferpecteditI work for an online editing and proofreading service. Please see my profile for more information. I won't revise all the paragraphs here, but I will show you the changes I would make in the first paragraph, followed by an explanation. Most smokers become short of breath when they exercise or when they run to catch the bus. Their blood cells, which carry oxygen from the lungs to the body, also carry carbon monoxide, so smokers have less oxygen in their blood than nonsmokers. Nicotine stimulates nerve cells, changing the smoker's mood from anxious to relaxed. Smokers also have breath, clothes and hair that smell of tobacco. Their teeth often look yellow or gray. Smoking damages and dries your skin and stains fingers and nails...http://www.englishforums.com/English/GiveAdviseFluent/hvnmq/post.htm#609260Tue, 09 Dec 2008 20:42:22 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:609260ferpecteditI work for an online editing and proofreading service. Please see my profile for more info. Here's how I would revise your paragraph Attending the University of *** is not my only goal, but the first in many goals I have. At the university, I plan on performing well in my classes and participating fully in school life. After graduation I want to work on Wall Street, though I realize this goal is a difficult one to achieve. After working three to five years I want to enroll in business school. With my experience and advanced degree I plan on improving my status by starting my own business. Then I will return to my country, China, and try to make it a better place. Here are my explanatory notes 1) Avoid beginning sentences with words...http://www.englishforums.com/English/HelpRevisingArgumentative-Essay/hdprg/post.htm#604225Thu, 04 Dec 2008 05:25:19 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:604225ferpecteditWhoops, That first sentence should be "When humans battle one another they are at their worst." Sorry about that.http://www.englishforums.com/English/HelpRevisingArgumentative-Essay/hdprg/post.htm#604223Thu, 04 Dec 2008 05:21:51 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:604223ferpecteditI work for an online editing and proofreading service. Please see my profile for more info. I won't revise your whole essay here, but I will show you the changes I would make in the first paragraph. When humans battle one another they are at their worse. We have made guns and other implements capable of doing great damage, but our deadliest invention are the weapons of mass destruction: nuclear, biological and chemical. These weapons kill, contaminate or infect whatever they touch. Dictators and countries hostile to one another use these weapons to jockey for power. No one should develop these weapons that sustain dictatorships and bring war, sickness and death into this world. Be careful of cliches like "hell on earth":...http://www.englishforums.com/English/HelpCorrectEssay/hbrkr/post.htm#590108Fri, 21 Nov 2008 01:16:11 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:590108ferpecteditI work for an online editing and proofreading service. Please see my profile for more info. I won't go through the whole letter here, but I will show you how I would revise the first paragraph. Dear __ __: Although I am grateful for the information and DVD you have sent me about the military I have decided not to join. I want you to remove my name and address from your list. Please let your recruiters know about my decision, so they stop following me around campus. Also please stop calling me on the phone. I don’t want to join the military. Please respect my decision. The salutation should be the supervisor's rank and last name followed by a colon. If you don't know his name or rank, call up the office and ask. Your...http://www.englishforums.com/English/ShortStory/hrwcx/post.htm#587701Sat, 15 Nov 2008 02:22:37 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:587701ferpecteditI work for an online editing and proofreading service. See my profile for more info. I won't do your whole story here, but I will show you how I would revise the first paragraph. The dead, the deceased, the defunct, the departed: I have never been good with death. I don't like when people move away, seeming to not like me or want to be my friend. I don't like when they get into fights with me. I don't like watching poverty on TV or seeing very elderly people. I always try to avoid what I don't like. I don't go to funerals. I close my eyes when commercials for charities that help poverty-stricken children come on. Like a person who is allergic to dogs I avoid the cause of the problem. I like your first line a lot...http://www.englishforums.com/English/EssayAttendingCollegeUniversity/hrjbr/post.htm#587332Thu, 13 Nov 2008 18:03:57 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:587332ferpecteditI work for an online editing and proofreading service. Please see my profile for more information. I won't do the whole essay here, but I will show you how I would revise your first paragraph. Study is the most important activity in which we can engage. We learn throughout our whole lives. Everyone wants to have more knowledge. University is where one goes to gain the highest level of education. In university, students can prepare for a career, increase knowledge, and be exposed to new experiences. I tried to clarify, sometimes guessing at your meaning. I removed awkward, ungrammatical or overly informal phrases like "thing in our life" and "want to study more than what they get in the present." Also avoid vague...http://www.englishforums.com/English/PleaseReadEvaluateMe/hrdjv/post.htm#586175Mon, 10 Nov 2008 20:13:27 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:586175ferpecteditI work for an online editing and proofreading service. See my profile for more info. Your essay is too long for me to edit here, but I will show you how I would revise the first paragraph. When I was younger I was always an outsider among other children. Looking back, I can see many reasons for this gulf between the other children and me. I was aggressive and arrogant, mostly because I did not want to be hurt by others. Having no friends is devastating for a child. I hated going to school and harbored a fear of meeting new people, especially other children my age. I was afraid they might reject me as others had done. Fear made me assume the worst of everyone. I could have become caught in a vicious cycle in which my fear and my...http://www.englishforums.com/English/PleaseCheckLetterMotivation/gqxmk/post.htm#585766Mon, 10 Nov 2008 00:10:16 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:585766ferpecteditI almost forgot: get rid of "Dear Sir or Madam"! The salutation should be "To The Selection Committee:" or to one person (check the program's website or call their office to find out whose name you should use).http://www.englishforums.com/English/PleaseCheckLetterMotivation/gqxmk/post.htm#585765Mon, 10 Nov 2008 00:06:09 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:585765ferpecteditI am part of an online editing and proofreading service. For more info on this service, please see my profile. Here is my revision of your first two paragraphs (which I would combine into one) I am a 4th Semester business administration student at *** in Germany. I am writing to apply for the Study Abroad program at the ***. *** is my favourite of Australia’s universities because of its excellent reputation within Australia and beyond. The *** was recommended to me by my professors and by fellow students who had studied there. The courses at the *** will round out my first major (finances) and *** will offer me the opportunity to broaden my studies with units not offered in my home university. I cut out some excess words...http://www.englishforums.com/English/AnEssayWroteProofreading-Appreciated/gpckh/post.htm#576369Tue, 14 Oct 2008 18:39:57 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:576369ferpecteditI am an editor and proofreader who works (for reasonable rates!) with students and professionals. I won't do the whole essay here, but I will review your first paragraph. I would change It was an emotional yet distant memory. Tears began to drip down my grandpa’s weary face as he firmly held my hands. He looked into my confused eyes and said something, but his voice was clouded by the hustling noises of the airport. My aunts comforted him as he reluctantly let go of me, and I followed Warren toward the gate. With every couple of steps, I would glance back at grandpa’s gloomy and wrinkled face as his image faded into the hectic crowd. To In a distant memory, tears drip down my grandpa’s face as he grasps my hands. He looks into my...http://www.englishforums.com/English/CorrectonMotivatonLetter/gpvbd/post.htm#576074Mon, 13 Oct 2008 23:36:52 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:576074ferpecteditI'll review the first few lines for you. Dear Mme. …….: I am responding to the job posting for a coordinator of the fashion department in ……School of Art. Since January 2008 I have worked as a professor and as co-coordinator at …school’s name…, a gratifying experience and an environment in which I've thrived. I want to continue being part of this creative, diverse team and would like to help expand the school. I see the future …school’s name…, as a pilot institution and a potential leader for European and international schools. First, make sure the person you are addressing uses "Mme" and not another title. You might find the info on the woman's website or that of the School of Art. If you can't find the info...http://www.englishforums.com/English/PleaseMotivationLetter/gprbb/post.htm#575641Sun, 12 Oct 2008 07:08:19 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:575641ferpecteditI won't do the whole letter, but I will do an edit of the first paragraph (including the salutation). Here's my edit. To The Selection Committee: I recently graduated from the Universidad Autonoma de Yucatan with a ___degree in __ __. The past few years I have been working on different projects related to nanoscience in a collaboration of my university with the applied physics department of the CIVESTAV-IPN. I had the opportunity to present some of my results in different international conferences, giving me the opportunity to see how fast the fields of nanoscience and nanotechnology are growing. Never assume that everyone on the committee is a man--and always put a colon after a salutation on a business letter. If the degree...http://www.englishforums.com/English/ProofreadingNeeded/gprpv/post.htm#575148Fri, 10 Oct 2008 13:28:01 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:575148ferpecteditHello: Nothing is technically wrong with your sentences, but your passage would read better as: "How are celebrity moms able to look so good just a few months after childbirth? Flipping through the tabloids, mothers who aren't famous groan, 'Some women have all the luck!'" I dropped the "there is something really incredible" which should be avoided in writing, even for the most lightweight articles: if you can get rid of a string of words in a sentence and not lose any meaning, you should always cut, cut, cut. I eliminated the juxtaposition of "luck" and "unlucky" and replaced "looking" with "flipping" for some variety in the last sentence (because "look"...http://www.englishforums.com/English/PleaseReviewCoveringLetter/gmnqx/post.htm#565460Sat, 13 Sep 2008 02:10:40 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:565460ferpecteditHello: The letter is too long to revise word-by-word here. You make a lot of small errors, most of which you can correct by going over an English grammar and usage book. To get you started I'll give you specific suggestions on the second paragraph. I don't understand the first part. Are you addressing someone? If so, you should put that name in the salutation and nowhere else in the letter. Here's my revision. Forgive me if I have changed your meaning, but as I said I have trouble understanding the paragraph as you have written it. I would like an internship through the “Erasmus Placement” program for three to six months at your company. I could start as early as February 2009. Attached is a copy of my Curriculum Vitae...http://www.englishforums.com/English/MotivationLetter/gmphz/post.htm#565036Thu, 11 Sep 2008 17:39:24 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:565036ferpecteditAlthough this letter (which is too long to review in full) is grammatically correct (with some awkward wording) I would change the tone. In the opening sentence I would use a much stronger word than "considering": it makes you sound like you're not serious about your career. "Planning" would be a better choice. My revision would be I am planning a career in neuropharmacology and want to enter your PhD program to build on the work I have done here at ** University. The exclamation points in the letter should all be eliminated. Although you should include your interest in study abroad and your reassurance to the program that you will be able to learn French, you should cut those two points to a bare minimum and not...http://www.englishforums.com/English/PleaseReviewLetterMotivation/gmpwr/post.htm#564741Thu, 11 Sep 2008 01:30:31 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:564741ferpecteditYour letter is basically a good one and though I won't go through it sentence by sentence I will give you some basic suggestions to improve it. 1) Use spell check so you can avoid misspelling "treasurer" and other words 2) Check and make consistent your capitalization. If the program is called "International Tourism Management" make sure to capitalize accordingly. Also I don't see a reason that "develop" (note the spelling) and "senior(?) high school" should be capitalized. 3) Cut out as many unnecessary words and phrases as you can. Not only will your letter read better, but you will also more easily avoid errors. For example, in the second paragraph I would change the second sentence to...http://www.englishforums.com/English/PleaseCorrectThis/gmmdr/post.htm#564286Tue, 09 Sep 2008 22:39:48 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:564286ferpecteditIt's a long essay for this sort of question, but I'll edit the first sentence for you. I am in my senior year of college, about to graduate in a few months. You don't need to include "currently attending college", since being in your senior year (and about to graduate) already tells the reader that you are a student. I'll let someone else take it from there. Maybe we can get a sentence-by-sentence answers for you.http://www.englishforums.com/English/WritingWithAComma/gmncp/post.htm#563902Mon, 08 Sep 2008 20:49:59 GMT946f00bb-57d3-4b7b-a9a2-059b5341af52:563902ferpecteditIt's two different sentences. The stranger smiled. His eyes traveled down her dress and then back to her face. The "and" is a preference in sentences structured like this one. The comma is unnecessary in the sentence that includes "and".